In Germany after the war, they had a process of deNazification.
After the invasion of Iraq, they had deBaathification.
What will we have in Ireland — deFFecation?
There’s no doubt we need some sort of cleansing to rid ourselves of the putrid smell clinging to us from the final days of the Waffle FF.
Cowen gets quietly Bifflicated in his bunker, treating his closest aides to demented impersonations of golfers from the Fifties, and singing about the greyhound his father sold to a creamery manager.
Meanwhile, his second-in-command has taken charge of the fanatical FF remnants, rallying them for one last stand in defence of brave little Donegal.
He urges his followers to do their patriotic duty in his fluent French. L’etat, c’est moi! he shouts and as one man, the Donegal FF beetle their brows and frown at each other.
What the fuck is that mucker sayin’ sir?
Dunno. I think it’s in Irish. Anyway, up the Republic. My father died every Saturday night for the Republic and we’ll not see it thrown away by some Commie blueshirt from Mayo. Give us back the forty-two counties!!
But only one man is talking about a united Ireland, these days: Ian Paisley, who addressed the House of Lords in his maiden speech yesterday. Paisley would like us to rejoin the wee North under the Crown, in a return to the United Kingdom. He thinks we could do well together.
I thought about this for a while, pondering the things our fathers died for every Saturday night.
I pondered the wonderful things we have created for ourselves, and how different our fine land is from the world Paisley inhabits.
I thought about …
- Our independence from outside interference.
- Our world-renowned efficiency of public decision-making.
- Our support for the weak and the elderly.
- Michael Fingleton.
- Our inclusive social structures.
- Our respect for every member of society.
- Youth Defence.
- The openness of our government.
- Our highly-educated government ministers.
- John Charles McQuaid.
- Our wonderful free healthcare system.
- The accountability of those in power to the people.
- The absolute separation of our politicians from corruption.
- Our free education system.
- Bertie Ahern.
- The enlightened system of industrial schools that cherished our poor children for so long.
- Our professional police force.
- Our independence from clerical interference in government.
- Our State-funded schools.
- Charlie Haughey.
- The fairness of our taxation system.
- Our unmatched network of public transport.
- Our world-class telecommunications infrastructure.
- The exemplary nature of our urban and rural planning.
- Anglo-Irish Bank.
- Our gas and oil reserves.
And as I thought about these things, one question began to repeat itself in my mind.
How soon can the deFFecation begin?
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