A reader writes: The Lynx effect doesn’t work for me. Any suggestions?
Doctor Bock replies: Even cheap skanky scents like Lynx depend on the wearer actually washing himself.
The chances are you’ve been sleeping in your tracksuit for the last month you big smelly knacker, and the last time you saw water was when you fell in the canal after too much Linden Village.
Anyway you’re more than likely covered in suppurating pimples, so why the fuck would any woman look at you?
Stick to your horse, your ferrets and your pit-bull. They don’t care how you smell.
A reader writes: Bock, next week I have to take a 14 hour flight what is the minimum number of wanks expected?
Doctor Bock replies: If you’ve been using Nurofen, you won’t survive the trip. You will either die from frantic fiddling, or else you’ll be shot by an air marshal.
Get a grip on yourself. Have a stiff drink instead. Think of Mary Harney and you’ll be all right.
A reader writes: Hi Bock, I’m a former… erm… businessman and I’m about to open my very first bank account. Although I have a house and a car and a driver and a job and a pension and expenses and access to a private jet, I have never had a bank account. Which is the best one to choose? Should I choose a current account? A deposit account? A cashsave account? I’m so confused. Please help.
Doctor Bock replies: I recommend the Vatican Bank. Very discreet and always willing to help a true friend of the church with those embarrassing little irregularities.
No deposit too large. No donation too small. Much like yourself.
A reader writes:
Dear Dr Bock,
My cat has turned vegan and I think it’s a matter of principle.
Any advice or assistance would be greatly appreciated.
Doctor Bock replies: It could be worse. Your cat could have become a cannibal: a vagetarian.
A reader writes:
Dear Doctor Bock. I am an alien stranded on your planet after the warp-drive of my spacecraft failed. I see no hope of obtaining a replacement, and I am in despair. Can anyone help me?
Doctor Bock replies: I’ll give you a number for the Samartians.
A reader writes: Hi Dr Bock. I’m a dwarf with an extremely high sex drive. I recently went to a nightclub and a stunning, tall, blonde girl asked me back to her place. Imagine my embarrassment when I tried to kiss her and couldn’t reach. Her flatmate picked me up and spun me around. Oh how they laughed. I’m now so traumatised by the humiliation of it, I don’t know what to do. Can you help me?
Doctor Bock replies: Oh for God’s sake, grow up.
A reader writes : I’ve been going out with a girl. Her name is Julie.
Doctor Bock replies: I’d say you’re jilted.