Readers’ Problems

Sound advice

A reader writes: The Lynx effect doesn’t work for me.   Any suggestions?

Doctor Bock replies: Even cheap skanky scents like Lynx depend on the wearer actually washing himself.

The chances are you’ve been sleeping in your tracksuit for the last month you big smelly knacker, and the last time you saw water was when you fell in the canal after too much Linden Village.

Anyway you’re more than likely covered in suppurating pimples, so  why the fuck would any woman look at you?

Stick to your horse, your ferrets and your pit-bull.  They don’t care how you smell.

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A reader writes: Bock, next week I have to take a 14 hour flight what is the minimum number of wanks expected?

Doctor Bock replies: If you’ve been using Nurofen, you won’t survive the trip.  You will either die from frantic fiddling, or else you’ll be shot by an air marshal.

Get a grip on yourself.  Have a stiff drink instead.  Think of Mary Harney and you’ll be all right.

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A reader writes: Hi Bock, I’m a former… erm… businessman and I’m about to open my very first bank account. Although I have a house and a car and a driver and a job and a pension and expenses and access to a private jet, I have never had a bank account. Which is the best one to choose? Should I choose a current account? A deposit account? A cashsave account? I’m so confused. Please help.

Doctor Bock replies: I recommend the Vatican Bank.  Very discreet and always willing to help a true friend of the church with those embarrassing little irregularities.

No deposit too large.  No donation too small.  Much like yourself.

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A reader writes:

Dear Dr Bock,

My cat has turned vegan and I think it’s a matter of principle.

Any advice or assistance would be greatly appreciated.

Doctor Bock replies:  It could be worse.  Your cat could have become a cannibal: a vagetarian.

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A reader writes:

Dear Doctor Bock.  I am an alien stranded on your planet after the warp-drive of my spacecraft failed.  I see no hope of obtaining a replacement, and I am in despair.  Can anyone help me?

Doctor Bock replies: I’ll give you a number for the Samartians.

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A reader writes: Hi Dr Bock. I’m a dwarf with an extremely high sex drive. I recently went to a nightclub and a stunning, tall, blonde girl asked me back to her place. Imagine my embarrassment when I tried to kiss her and couldn’t reach.  Her flatmate picked me up and spun me around.   Oh how they laughed. I’m now so traumatised by the humiliation of it, I don’t know what to do. Can you help me?

Doctor Bock replies:  Oh for God’s sake, grow up.

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A reader writes : I’ve been going out with a girl.  Her name is Julie.

Doctor Bock replies: I’d say you’re jilted.

9 thoughts on “Readers’ Problems

  1. Now in fairness, the horse and the ferret and the pit-bull do care about the smell, they just don’t dare show it. They depend on the smelly knacker for food and shelter.

  2. Dear Dr Bock , Ever since i have lost my job I have being having these awful stomach pains , in fact the whole family is suffering from the same condition. I know we have been on Twist rations and times are hard but I am at a loss as to what is causing it , I am at my wits end , please help . Dont prescribe any tablets ,I cannot afford them .

  3. Seriously, I am getting extremely violent tendencies when I watch the fucking slop being dished up by TV3 and RTE. Especially the dating shows on TV3 and RTE. One is hosted by a smug prick, the other by a smug tit. I swear, I never came so close to kicking in a television when I saw those programmes.
    But fucking Fade street topped it off tonight. I knew it was going to be shit. I knew what to expect. But I watched a bit of it anyway. Who are these fucking people. Why do I feel angry. Right. Now.
    What can I do. Have some nurofen, a drink, and a fiddle? Or kick in the telly…

  4. Dear Dr. Bock. I can’t seem to get out of the bed today. Too cold, too dark, too damp out.
    I’ve lost my mojo.. where’s my mojo baby? Will I find it in Nancy’s maybe? We’ll see.

  5. I can only help you to get your mojo working. I’m afraid until you find your mojo, there’s little I can offer in the way of advice.

  6. Dr. B Dig the Jilted John reference..”And this is what she said to me..” I have the vinyl lp “The Crap Stops Here”..-Chicago BTR reader.

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