Nov 202010

Slamming reports of a match between Ireland and the All Blacks, Taoiseach Brian Cowen has told the  Dáil that today’s meeting with the 15-man delegation from New Zealand is strictly exploratory.

What we’re involved in here is internalising a new paradigm with colleagues in respect of try-scoring problems and rugby issue problems that are affecting Ireland.  The main thing is to take a proactive approach turning the corner going forward.  All these people talking down Irish rugby with, quite frankly, fantasy stories about some sort of match today are quite frankly doing the country a disservice.

Watch my lips.

No match today, going forward.

Blasphemy Minister Dermot Ahern was even more direct.

There is no match today. In fact, the 15-man delegation from New Zealand isn’t even a delegation.  It isn’t even here.  In fact, it doesn’t exist.  New Zealand doesn’t exist and I confirmed this with the  Taoiseach this morning.  There is no such place as New Zealand.

Now, can I make it any clearer than that for you? New Zealand is a fiction.

In a hard-hitting statement to all TV presenters, Peter Power, junior minister for talking on the telly  said,

I want to make it clear to Vincent Browne and all the rest of them that they had their ten minutes and now I’m having my say.   I’m a solicitor and I know my rights.  I didn’t interrupt you.  Could I say something?   Could I?  Could I say something?  You had your say, and now I want to say something.   I’m a solicitor.  Be quiet.  This is my show.  I’ll call my Mammy.

A spokesman for the government set out the broad strategy to rescue Irish rugby:

This is not a time for looking backwards.   We are where we are.   This is a time for going forward, going forward.  We want the backs to move forward, and the forwards to hold back.  We want the outside centre moving in and the inside centre moving out, going forward.  We want quick ball out for the up-and-under, no going in from the side, no over the top.  Going forward, we want to touch, pause and engage, going forward, and we look forward to useful talks with the team of advisers from New Zealand who are only here to help.  Going forward.

  7 Responses to “Taoiseach Cowen Denies All Blacks Are in Ireland to Play Match”

Comments (7)

    said with those juicy lips


    Ah fuck it. So there’s no match on at all today. All them politicians said so, has to be true.
    Was looking forward to it and all..


    I think it may be due to Biffo having a phobia against Men in Black. His little dog’s breakfast doesn’t detect anything that looks like Men in Black. 100% denial.


    What about the “fronting up” bit?


    I can confirm that no rugby match was played on Saturday evening, I know, I wasn’t there.

    Reports of a four try to two win by New Zealand in today’s broadsheets are pure speculation. Other articles carried in the tabloids that a Haka was performed are entirely without foundation.

    If one looks at today’s copy of the Frankfurter Allgemeine as well as, might I add, the well respected Los Angeles Times, one can plainly see that no such match was played.

    The pictures that you might have seen between 5:30pm and 7:30pm carried on the national broadcaster were purely fictional and was staged by actors who have been out of work since the close of the production ‘Alone It Stands’.

    I can also confirm that both Ryle Nugent and Tony Ward had been seen drinking heavily in Dohony & Nesbitts prior to the eh, non-game. Gardaí are now investigating possible breaches of the Offences Against the State Act by Tom McGurk, Conor O’Shea, Brent Pope and the insufferable George Hook for deceiving the public by implying that such a game did happen, which indeed it did not.

    That is all. Now move along everyone – nothing to see here.


    Ha ha have you all gone fucking daft . Dont you know that the fiddling fuckers never speak the truth.


    Well, they are a ‘pack’ of cunts after all

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