The Roquefort Files — Launch of New Political Party

Hungry for power

That’s it. We’ve had enough.  I hereby announce the foundation of  the Big Cheese Poverty Party.

We tried to hold the launch in a garret but the rent was too high.

We also tried to find a crumbling cellar but couldn’t afford the deposit, so the event will take place in Bourke’s Bar, Limerick, on Friday, the 3rd December.

We hoped to hold the event on the 2nd December, the feast day of Saint Evasius, patron saint of lying, thieving politicians, but no room was available.

Everyone is invited but please wear sackcloth and ashes.  All attendees will receive a free slice of cheese and a pot to piss in.

Needy cases (subject to assessment by an official from the HSE) will be issued with a bowl of thin gruel at the door. Among the attractions will be struggling local band, Queasy Singles, and a display of pictures for sale by starving local artists: The Roquefort Files.

Later in the evening, there will be an auction of unwanted orphan waifs.  Patrons will also have the opportunity to sell their kidneys on the night and a specialist team of surgeons will be on stand-by to harvest other assorted organs.

Keynote speech by Olli Rennet.

Invitations have been issued to politicians along the following lines.  (Adjust according to the slant of the individual, useless party).

Dear Deputy O Dea, You are cordially invited to attend the launch of a new national political party. We hope you will be available to perform the official opening of a speed-bump in the basement. We also hope to arrange a funeral for the night.  Perhaps you would be available to commiserate with us on the death of our economy.  Sorry for your troubles.

More details to follow. Turn up on the night and you’re guaranteed to go home hungry for power.



This is the email  sent to Willie O Dea.

Dear Willie

The Big Cheese Poverty Party will have its official launch on the 3rd December in Bourke’s Bar, Catherine Street, Limerick.

We’ll have a selection of activities that might be suitable to a far-sighted Statesman such as yourself. At the front door, we have the Funeral Hand which you can shake repeatedly while repeating “Sorry for your troubles”.  In the basement, we have constructed a speed ramp, which you can officially unveil and claim credit for, and in the back room we have a small piece of road which you can arrange to have repaved with a quiet word in the Mayor’s ear.

Hoping you can make it on the night. Everyone will receive a free slice of cheese, so please tell both your friends and all your clients.

Best wishes.


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43 thoughts on “The Roquefort Files — Launch of New Political Party

  1. Please Bock, may I become a member of the Poverty Party and allso my twins?. They look like street urchins already and have that Oliver Twist look. We have our own wooden soup bowls and spoons. May we come?.

  2. I make a gruel that even the twins recoil at, but you have cheese and that could help the party off the ground.

  3. It has been said of me that I resemble Fagin in Oliver twist, come to think of it Bock why not use the name “Oliver Twist Party”. You could have a fancy dress party in one of your hovels and the sheer misery of that happening would be a releif from the ordinary misery of which Ireland has an abundance of.

  4. T’would be great if you could convince Willie (if he agrees to attend) to tell one of his fantastical tales… like the 700 Dell jobs he got in the USA last year….etc etc….& maybe he could run a master-class in speaking thru his arse

  5. I might try to make it there myself. The auction of the waifs is a bit dodgy don’t you think? There may very well be bidders. I like Charles idea of “the Oliver Twist Party” except that story had a happy ending, ours shall not for at least a few hundred years, thanks to a handful of evil little things that still live high off the hog among us. I agree we should be positive , but is a bit of a problem when you are up to your waste in shit and sinking!

  6. Just back from treasure Ireland and I can now report officially that there is fuck all left in the treasure chest.
    The poor Pirates pension plan has even disappeared.
    But I’m sure if we can manage to get Willy O’ Gee pissed on cheap wine on the night he might point us to a few back gardens for a bit of digging
    I am humbly begging you Mr Bock to consider me for party membership.. Have you any use for a rusty hook and a malnourished parrot? (Whisper) I could bring parrot soup if you like.

  7. Mr Silver, you’re more than welcome. Turn up on the night in your tattered rags, and we might even persuade you to sing a shanty.

  8. I suppose there will be no need for a finance minister in the new party?

    Is there a manifesto statement on smoking in pubs, or will we all be too broke to go to pubs? Will the Lisbon Treaty be re-re-visited? The blasphemy laws overturned? The lightbulb ban reversed?

    Oh, the possibilities!!

  9. Oh, yessssss……

    [sound of sinister maniacal laughter from deep within the cold damp cellar below]

  10. The posts are getting very cheesy I like the thinking behind comment No. 18 I suppose hanging them by the ankles from the lampposts would be out of the question?.

  11. Ah Cheesus Christ! enough with the cheesey wit. The countries going down the tubes for god sake. I think for the first meeting we shoul have the old depenable pickled onion and cheese stick. Very 70’s posh, don’t you think? Its very important that we get the middle class (fur coats and no nickers brigade) joining the party in droves. Or maybe in the new Ireland they will be referred to as the “have nots” while rest of us will be referred to has the “have fuck all nots” Of course we’ll still have the few very wealthy politicians and Banker boyo’s. We could just corral them, hose em down and send them out to Spike Island, with good quality tents now. I mean fair is fair like!

  12. Perhaps we could make Healy Rae the Fuhrer , he would be ideal . Shur isnt he great at giving the poor mouth.

  13. Hang on a while , have we got the right name for the party . Should it not be The Paupers Party, because thats what we will all be when this government finishes doling out all those billions to the banksters. If this causes a split please feel free to blame me. I have also changed my mind about Healy Ray as Fuhrer because he is far from being a pauper , I think I should be Fuhrer as I will be the biggest pauper of all, there are no ifs and buts about this its, either that or face expulsion . The annual membership fee shall be one easi single. If that is too much half of one will suffice.

  14. I fear I have a memory of reading of a writer of long ago who had the temerity to suggest we should eat the poor. Damn it to hell that was in the 1700s.
    Progress we will assume.

  15. Attention, I have just received an email from DAFT telling me they were offering an island for sale cheap and attached was a picture of Ireland. I answered by saying, sorry that Island has already been sold to the IMF.

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