Last night saw the official launch of the Big Cheese Poverty Party. A large crowd listened intently as Mr Sebastian Kloster-Käse from the ECB (European Cheese Bank) delivered the first tranche of cheese-aid and explained the terms of the euro-cheese-bailout.
The government has negotiated very favourable terms for the scheme which is jointly administered by the European Cheese Bank and the International Mozzarella Fondue. It has been described as a facility rather than a loan, but Mr Kloster-Käse was adamant the terms would have to be met as the cheese is drawn down.
Every citizen will receive a block of euro-cheese, and in return, will be expected to donate an organ of their choice. A team of surgeons stood by as Mr Kloster-Käse explained that the ECB does not interefere in the precise detail of government policy. The choice of which organ to remove is entirely up to us, thus preserving our sovereignty.
Elections will be temporarily suspended for the duration of the crisis and politicians will be replaced by a coin-operated mechanical hand, designed by scientists from the University of Limerick. A cheese board – An Bórd Cáis – will be set up to run the country with guidance and support from the ECB. It will be headed by our President, who will be retitled la Vache Qui Rit.
Proposing a toast, Mr Kloster-Käse explained that these measures are for the grater good.
Further events are planned and will be announced in due course.