I’ve been reading about all this healing stuff using crystals and water that can remember what was dissolved in it, and waving your hands about, and I had a thought. If we can have complementary medicine, why not apply it to the really fundamental sciences – physics and chemistry? The ones that ask the really hard questions: what is stuff, and how does stuff work?
Of course, in the day-to-day life of most people, possibly the most tangible example of physics in action comes when the thermometer drops, as it did in the past week. I’m cold.
Indeed you are, and the reason for it is because you have lost too much heat, which is energy, but since we’re now in the complementary area, we wont say energy any more. We’ll say energies. That’s a lot more touchy-feely and it has a better ring of mysticism about it, even though it means nothing.
Never mind. Energies it is.
We will also assume, because we’re into complementarity, that energies prefer to flow in certain pathways. And we’ll assume that these pathways have nodes. Nexuses. Interconnections of energy flows. In other words, meaningless shit.
Obviously, since we’re in the area of complementary science, we won’t bother to come up with any evidence for our ideas, but that’s what’s so nice about this field. You can make up whatever nonsense you want as long as you say things like energies.
Where am I going with this? Ah, that’s the beauty of the whole thing. As you know, the Greens have announced that the economy can be saved by getting people to insulate attics, and Eamon Ryan, the Minister For Word-Slurring has mumbled as much on the national TV and radio.
I’m going to approach Eamon with an idea before his party finally self-destructs in a gigantic hissy-fit, some time in January. I’ll get in under the wire with this idea and I feel sure the Greens will back it to the hilt, because it will revolutionise everything.
Energy crystals, placed all around your house by an alternative physicist. Instead of measuring heat-loss, the alternative scientist will emote into the aura of your house and get a feeling for where the energies want to escape. Then he’ll place the crystals in just the right place to channel your house’s energies back inside, keeping you toasty warm for another while. He will establish the correct location for the crystals by chanting and astral projection.
This means that you won’t have to waste money insulating your house. It will save the country a fortune.
I’m not finished.
The alternative scientists working in the vast underground cavern of the Bockschloss have finally perfected the technique of ecopuncture.
By dressing in just the right kaftans and dancing naked under a carefully-guarded secret phase of the moon, it will be possible for our complementary scientists to insert needles in the bricks of your house in exactly the right locations to interrupt the energy-flows before they leave your home forever and redirect them back into your living room. This is achieved by a harmonious conjunction of complementarities, in a revolutionary technique we call spectralarity (c).
Anyone questioning this revolutionary technique will be sued for defamation.