You probably remember all my wonderful money-making ideas over the years.
There was Whack-a-Mary, which is going to be just HUGE this Christmas. Then there was the New-York-Tourist idea that made me so fabulously wealthy. And of course, who could forget the Consecrator, on which I built the fortune that allowed me to create a vast undersea cavern with henchmen on golf-karts.
But my latest idea is the biggest winner ever.
I’ve come up with the only business plan anyone ever heard of where you can’t lose your money.
What do you think of that?
No matter how much you screw up, and no matter what maniac you give your money to, it’s a winner every time. In the entire history of bidness, you have never heard of such a cast-iron plunger, until now!!
What the jumpin’ jiminy, Bock? I hear you saying. Can it really be true?
Sure can, my boy. Step right up, and enter Doctor Bock’s Magic Snake-Oil Tent.
And what, you might ask, with good reason, is this astounding discovery? Should we not all take up this line of work?
Of course we should, neighbour, and I’m going to tell you right now what to become, instead of a hobo on the street panhandling for dimes. Roll up. Roll up.
What, Bock? What can it be?
Don’t you know, small person? Don’t you know?
Sure don’t, Bock. Is it a locomotive driver?
Nope. All you’ll ever become is a tired old man on that footplate.
Well, is it a lawyer, Bock?
Nope. Not a lawyer. Even lawyers can lose.
A doctor. That’s it, Bock, ain’t it? A surge-eye-on.
Not a sawbones, boy. They can sue ya.
What then, Bock? What’s this great line of work that can’t lose a dime? Tell us, Bock. Please?
Oh all right then. Just as soon as I get me a suit with pockets, and shiny braces, I’m off to Frankfurt, Germany, and I’m a-gonna buy myself some bonds in them Irish banks. It doesn’t make a difference bigger than a pile of gopher-shit what I buy, because the Irish government is gonna make sure I don’t lose one red cent.
Landsakes and lawdamercy, Bock, you mean you gonna become a —
That’s right, Momma. I’m gonna be a Bondholder.