The sexual life of the panda

The world’s most boring animal

I called this The sexual life of the panda, but that was probably a mistake, since pandas have no sex life at all.  As a matter of fact, pandas seem to have no life of any sort, spending half their day looking for bamboos to eat, and lying down the rest of the time.  They’re not even cute and cuddly like we all thought.  If you stray into their territory, they’ll go for you and bite your leg off.

I came across this fascinating BBC article that opened my eyes to the drab futility that is the life of an average panda.

Female pandas are interested in a little rockin’ and rollin’ for three days a year, and during that time, there’s only 24 hours when they can become pregnant.  This lack of enthusiasm might perhaps be explained by the male panda’s disproportionately short penis, and the fact that he isn’t much interested in sex either.

As far as I can see, neither of them are interested in anything at all — not even food.  Even though they are true bears, and classified as carnivores, they eat bamboo almost exclusively and can spend 10 hours a day searching for just the right plants.  Bamboo contains almost no nutrition, and so the panda has very little energy.  Furthermore, because he can’t store fat, he has to keep eating the miserable sticks he just manages to draw sustenance from.  It never occurs to the panda that he’s a huge bear with claws and teeth and that he could easily go out and fucking kill something!

So there you have it.  Because the panda is too stupid to eat properly, he has no energy for sex to propagate the species and no interest in life.

But it gets worse.   Because they can’t store fat to produce enough milk, they can only look after one cub at a time.  And pregnancies can last between 11 weeks and 11 months.  And sometimes they don’t know they’re pregnant at all.

If an entire species could win a Darwin Award, I think the panda is looking like a good candidate.

I don’t know when bears began to diversify, but let’s say it was fifty thousand years ago.

Did they have a meeting?

I’m sick of this shit.  I’m heading off to Alaska, and I’m going to catch salmon in the rivers.  Live the outdoor life.

Me too.  I’m off to Russia.  Plenty salmon there, and I hear they’re looking for a national animal.

I’m going to dye my hair white and live in the North Pole, eating seals and Eskimos.  Lots of swimming.

Anyone know what the sleepy guy is doing?

Yeah.  He said he’s going to give up sex and spend his life eating grass.

But he’s a bear.

Yup.  Good luck with that.

I wonder what happens when the bears meet up every year for the Ursine Games.

Any sign of Panda?

Nah.  He’s at home watching TV and eating bags of Cheesy Bamboo-Snax.

Lazy bastard.

The BBC article explains that pandas are an endangered species.  I wonder why?

23 thoughts on “The sexual life of the panda

  1. That BBC clip in the link was funny. “seem to have lost the knowledge of how to get in the right position. And position is crucial because of the males disproportionately short penis”. haha.
    I’d have to say this behaviour is not confined to pandas.

    Only on heat for 3 days a year.. that seems to go against all evolutionary biological instincts to propagate the species.

  2. They’re a bit like koalas apart from their size,colouring,diet,viciousness and address.Lazy cunts the lot of them.Next panda I see gets a black eye.

  3. Actually, they are a shining example of anti-consumerism, anti-rat-racing, anti-globalization and anti-sexualization, they don’t see the point of procreation or preservation of pandahood as such, just want to be left in peace – eat, sleep and die.

    There are moments I truly understand and envy them…

  4. They did assist in getting a lot of Kit-Kat chocolate biscuit bars eaten. And the slogan; it’s a biscuit, it’s a bar was brilliant too. Not bad for a mere panda.

  5. As well as being the stoners of the bear world. Eating eucalyptus leaves has the same effect on them as eating spacecakes.

  6. They’d be the stoners of the bear world if they were bears, but they’re not. The nasty little fuckers are marsupials.

  7. So that’s why pandas are safe for children and adults to cuddle. You’ve stated that they spend a proportionate amount of their tedious lives eating bamboo and sleeping; but any data on what proportion of their lives is spent in excretion? That might make them not so cuddly.

  8. Bock @ 6…in fairness to the Koalas the old Mutts in most cases will have asked for it in that their original intention would have been to disembowel the Koala.

  9. Two vaginas would require double the protection,no wonder koalas have almost wiped themselves out with STDs

  10. Bock, better watch out before FME gets someone to appoint an Inquiry Panel.

    How can they be classified as carnivores if they’re totally bambootarian? Maybe they’re BT’s by choice – environmentalists in bear’s clothing.

    I agree with Carrig (do I, FME?)

    Pandas can’t die out – they are the namesakes of a popular pro-science, anti-creationist site called Panda’s Thumb:

  11. “FME, FME.” Yes some1.. I’m here.
    Can you read what I actually wrote on the Fruit-Bat Sex Lecturer Wins Case Against Punishment. I said Niall said he wasn’t sure if you meant to agree with him. There’s no dispute that you did agree with him. An inquiry Panel? What’s that about? I was just wondering about a deleted comment, that’s all.

  12. Too good to pass up. From:


    Despite its taxonomic classification as a carnivoran, the Giant Panda has a diet that is primarily herbivorous, which consists almost exclusively of bamboo.[21] However, the Giant Panda still has the digestive system of a carnivore, as well as carnivore-specific genes,[27] and thus derives little energy and little protein from consumption of bamboo. Its ability to digest cellulose is ascribed to the microbes in its gut.[28] The average Giant Panda eats as much as 9 to 14 kg (20 to 30 pounds) of bamboo shoots a day. Because the Giant Panda consumes a diet low in nutrition, it is important for it to keep its digestive tract full.[21] The limited energy input imposed on it by its diet has affected the panda’s behavior. The Giant Panda tends to limit its social interactions and avoids steeply sloping terrain in order to limit its energy expenditures.[29]

    Two of the panda’s most distinctive features, its large size and its round face, are adaptations to its bamboo diet. Panda researcher Russell Ciochon observed that: “[much] like the vegetarian gorilla, the low body surface area to body volume [of the giant panda] is indicative of a lower metabolic rate. This lower metabolic rate and a more sedentary lifestyle allow the giant panda to subsist on nutrient poor resources such as bamboo.”[29] Similarly, the Giant Panda’s round face is the result of powerful jaw muscles, which attach from the top of the head to the jaw.[29] Large molars crush and grind fibrous plant material.

    Pandas eat any of twenty-five bamboo species in the wild, such as Fargesia dracocephala[30] and Fargesia rufa.[31] Only a few bamboo species are widespread at the high altitudes pandas now inhabit. Bamboo leaves contain the highest protein levels; stems have less.[32] Given this large diet, the Giant Panda can defecate up to 40 times a day. [33]


    An evolutionary oddity!

    There once was a bear called a Panda
    Who didn’t buy meat propaganda
    Instead what they do
    Is just eat bamboo
    Their life sounds to me pretty blanda

  13. “He said he’s going to give up sex and spend his life eating grass.”
    By Jesus that sounds like a great life to me. Eating it. Smoking it. Listening to the sound of the wind in the leaves of it. Nobody bitin yer ear off just because you hopped on them once or twice with yer forked willy rightly and properly forked now cos they feel they own you (and yer wallet) for evermore. No tax returns. No commutes. No mortgages. No kids and their school fees or maybe just one you wouldn’t even know was there. No Fianna Fail. No Fine Gael. Just some oul communists who’ve brought in the death penalty for anyone who fucks with yer shit. Sounds wonderful. Know where I’m goin for me next 10 lives. Eats shoots and leaves. ZZZZZzzzzzzzzz. Where do I sign up?

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