Jedward In Eurovision Joke Show

A pair of wankers

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.

Gimme a whiskey, he says.

Certainly Sir, says the barman.  Do you realise there’s a steering wheel protruding from your trousers?

I do, the man says. It’s driving me nuts.

That’s right.  It’s time for the Eurovision Joke Contest again, and it’s driving me nuts.

I can’t wait for the Jedwit clone-muppets to come up against the Slovakian duplicate bimbos in a prance to the death.

This is no laughing matter.  German Chancellor was not the joke making when she warned, If these doppel-wichsers win the Kontest, we the invading making will.

These Germans don’t mess around when it comes to joke contests, so let’s pray that the twin menaces, Jed and Ward, find themselves bound and gagged on the big night.

OMG!!! says Jed.  I can’t believe you said that.

O!! M!! G!!!! agrees Ward. It’s time for a pout-off.

As Groucho Marx one said, If you were born twins, you’d be two fools.

It’s time for another silly joke.

This guy turns up at his doctor’s surgery. He has a carrot up his nose and a parsnip in his ear.

The doctor says, You’re not eating properly.

 

 

42 thoughts on “Jedward In Eurovision Joke Show

  1. Tommy Cooper goes to the Doctor and tells him he’s broken his arm in two places.

    “You should stop going to those places”, says the Doc

    The wankers will win it out – I’m telling you.S/Finals on tonight. We’ll look at it in grim fascination, like the way you slow down to look at a car accident.

  2. Doctor says I have good news and bad news.
    Patient: Gimme the bad news first.
    Doctor: You’ve 3 minutes to live.
    Patient : Fuck, 3 minutes to live! Whats the good news?
    Doctor: I could boil you an egg?

    Jedward to win shit fest!

  3. A Priest, a Rabbi and a Mullah walk into a bar, the barman says “Is this a joke?”

    Leinster for the Cup, Jedward for the Sing Song

  4. This bird asked a barman for a double entendre

    So he gave her one.

    I like where Dessiegee is coming from.

  5. I see the gobshites Jedward are gonnae release a cover version of the song: “Anything you can do, I can do better.”
    In response to this alarming news, I’m away out to have a mild stroke.

  6. A man of your abilities and propensitites. Why don’t you go out and have a severe stroke at the fuckwit who attacked Neil Lennon?

  7. Joke of the week should not go unnoticed

    WodWard (aka William O Dea esq.) The third twin

    On TV last night talking about Cloud Computing as the way for Ireland to break out of recession

    This from a man who has an Oceanfree.net email address on his pamphlets, (circa 1995 free set up disk from the garage) Part of a government who did fuck all about when in office.

    Neck like a Jockeys

    Yeah right ! Whatever your having yourself

    A man who probably does not know what cloud computing is and probably couldn’t send a text or an email.

    Are Those presumptions very harsh

  8. Totally agree irrelevant, and a big joke of a small man.

    Could just see budding entrepreneurs saying ” WODWard says the Cloud is the future better invest in that so”

    How many votes would he get in the Eurovision, more than 6900 ? maybe he should switch track.

    A spoof of WOD siniging lipstick would be appropriate

  9. The bastards qualified – a triumph for the axis of banality. Two evil goblins, Louis Walsh, a deformed pygmy, and RTE march on.

  10. Off topic maybe but why not email oul Willie and ask him to explain how and why cloud is so important and why after 1,000 years of FF power our broadband service is over priced and slower than a carrier pigeon.

    willie.odea@oireachtas.ie

  11. Because Willie employs a carrier pigeon to read his email, just like a very senior public administrator closer to home gets his secretary to print out his.

  12. Still off the very important topic of Jedward qualifying for the European Cup final, or whatever they were playing for.

    Tried that with Willie 2 elections ago, no. 8, his carrier pigeons don”t answer that email address either. or any emails, unless it’s from some FF fawning toady saying Willie your great can you put the wheelie bin out when we go on holiday this summer.

    To which the answer is no problem consider those bins out and emptied.

    Complicated policy questions, cloud computing queries, routinely ignored.

    Funeral invitations gladly accepted, please include funeral home and timings, for scheduling accuracy.

  13. We’ve had loads of posts about Willie and we’ll have many more, but for now, let’s leave the ridiculous little toad where we found him. Ok? As I said, he’s not relevant to this thread.

  14. Mr Bock, I believe that a shovel and a bag of quicklime has been despatched in response to the incident earlier in the week and will be ongoing. I also understand that the vehicle containing John Wilson negotiated many speed bumps during the journey to and from the gaol. Even beneath the blue serge often to be found is the green and white of the faithful.

    To use the words of the Glasgow airport bomb hero, John Smeaton, ” This is Glasgow. You take on one of us, you take on all of us.”

  15. OK, another Tommy Cooper joke …

    “Went shopping yesterday for a pair of camouflage trousers …. couldn’t find any”

  16. The patient says, “Give me the bad news first!”
    Doctor replies, “You’ve got AIDS.”
    “Oh, no! What could be worse than that?” asks the patient.
    “You’ve also got Alzheimer’s Disease.”
    Looking relieved the patient says, “Oh…Well, that’s not so bad. At least I don’t have AIDS.”

    ——————————————————————————-

    A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice “13…….13…….13………13” the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned ’14………14………14…….14.’

  17. there’s.a few bitter sounding old men here. there young and slowly becoming very rich. jealousmuch anybody? anyway on with the jokes. foreman: “initially we didn’t want to lay anybody off”. worker interrupts: “you’re not in Italy now”. while we’re turning this into a limerbloggeresque thread and going off topic, does anybody here have any stroke in the big super markets? could you please make a no clubcard/laser card checkout for single men. why not like i mean you have a sweet free checkout for the tight bastards. i think that covers everything.

  18. These two women working at a checkout.

    “I can tell if a bloke is single or not by what he buys, watch this,” says one to the other.

    This guy comes along with one piece of meat, one milk, one bread, one thism that and the other etc etc.

    “Hey, I bet your single?” says the checkout woman.

    “I am says the customer. How can you tell?

    “Because your an ugly bastard.”
    ————————-

    LL, we are bitter and twisted in here, have you a problem with that?

  19. LL — It isn’t going off topic. But if we wanted it to be an LB-type thread, we’d need someone complaining about foreign immigrants and someone else reminiscing about their favourite batterburgers.

  20. not at all seconds, just when the kids are doin something harmless i like to cut em a bit of slack. maybe its because on GLEE at the moment.

    bock: Willie o is a favourite pet peev over at lb too and the banks. god its gone brutal over there.

  21. Jedward – Latest news.
    Jedward refused to eat battered burger from Donkeys- Fucking foreigners!

    Now we’re back on track

  22. These geeks make Dustin The Turkey’s Eurovision entry look Good. That’s how rubbish they are. Where is the vomit bag ? Poor Dana. What a ***king Joke. It should be renamed the no-brainer teenage texting Contest. Drunken teens ” let’s vote for them just for the craic “

  23. The Eu-revulsion Song Contest.

    Every year, more revulsion.

    Now if it was a Thong contest, it’d be more interesting. In an anthropological sort of way! Like the study of collapsing civilisations.

    A man walks into a bar, holding a Newt.

    “A Pint of Guinness for me, and a glass of water for my pet! Tiny.”

    The bartender frowns at the man, puzzled.

    “Of all things, why d’you call him Tiny?” he says..

    “Well,” says the man, “He is my newt!”

  24. A pompous Englishman arrives in Dublin and asks a local near O’Connell Street where’s the nearest public toilet. “I don’t know,” is the reply. “I think you are a damned ignorant paddy,” retorts the English visitor. The paddy reflects and replies: “I may be a damned ignorant paddy, but I’m not lost and dying for a piss like yourself.”

  25. A Rabbi was getting worried about dwindling congregations at Saturday services in the synagogue. Several families with strong anti-war views had recently deserted his synagogue and become Quakers. A faithful parishoner arrived one morning and asked for an explanation.

    The Rabbi explained sadly: “It seems some of my best Jews are Friends.”

  26. A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

    “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?” he yelled. No one answered. “Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!” Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

    He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?” The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

  27. “Because Willie employs a carrier pigeon to read his email, just like a very senior public administrator closer to home gets his secretary to print out his.”

    As someone who did the penance of IT support in the Oireachtas, this was not far from the truth, 10 odd years ago. Their secretaries read their email and replied for them. If it was in any way important they may have rang the TD \ Senator \ gobshite and asked them for their opinion for the response.

  28. Classic Sadowitz ditty should be shouted in a Glaswegian accent

    “What do you make of Jesus always giving people other names ?”

    Jesus : Simon I shall call you Peter

    Simon: Peter Lord, thats a fuckin shoe shop !

    (Don’t know, Are they a well known shoe shop Company in Ireland )?

  29. Anybody know why Israel is in the Eurovision…all the maps I have place Israel in western Asia.

  30. Israel has been a member of the European Broadcasting Union since the 1950s, as have Egypt, Lebanon, Morocco and Tunisia.

  31. Jedward have more neck,hair than talent.Louis Walsh should be charged with Media crimes.When I hear these sh**es abusing words such as “cool”, “fantastic” I invoke the Gods of vengeance to swamp the three fakes with torrents of the most loathsome multicoloured bile

  32. When you see an article on today’s Irish Times praising these repellent little goblins you know the country has gone to hell in a hand cart. Liam Gallagher (Oasis) was quoted as saying that his first reaction on seeing them was to give one of them a smack. Louis Walsh, who may or may not have had some plastic surgery recently, must be held responsible for any psychological damage these kids – and I have nothing against the two of them, just Jedward – suffer in later life as a result of their idiotic conduct on and off stage. For now, however, we’ll can take refuge in the fact that Walsh’s horrific creation has failed- but they’ll be back.

    Azerbaijan, who won it out with an instantly forgetable song, is a European country, right?

  33. Any truth to the rumour that John is strung out and heading towards donkey……..I mean Betty Fords clinic as we speak. And Eddie (as he is known in the biz) is playing drums on the new Keith Richards album?

  34. Eddie on drums with the O’Malley’s doing a cover of lipstick – now we’re talking.

    Off topic note to Kilmarnock, an alleged pro side. At which point did you decide to throw yesterday’s game versus the Hun, handing the title to Ibrox. Was it when you were 1-0 down after ONE minute, 2-0 down after four minutes. Naaaaah, it must have been when you allowed yourselves, despite defending as if your lives depended on it, to slip 3-0 in arrears after seven minutes, at home. Bastards.

  35. Informative as always Bock. As an Irish musician I find it appalling that those shower of tools were selected to represent this country in an international music contest, I find that this is going to become a trend I mean first Dustin and now these pair of mentally deficent arse wipes what next a troupe of perfoming monkeys? (well at the least I’d think we’d have more of a chance with the monkeys)

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