May 022011
 

Within days of curing a nun’s Parkinson’s disease, the ghost of Pope John Paul II has moved decisively to claim a place in the annals of greatness.

Using a body donated by Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Pope led a crack team of action heroes, including John McClane, Casey Ryback, John Connor, Mother Teresa, Superman, Maximus, Bilbo Baggins, William Munny, Rambo, James Bond, Captain Kirk, Neo and Indiana Jones into the heart of Pakistan to take down the World’s Most Wanted Man.

Using Blackhawks, Apaches, Harley-Davidsons, A-10 Warthogs, a herd of wild mustangs, stolen Russian fighter-bombers, a Tiger tank, a nuclear submarine, a spaceship and a Zeppelin, the highly-trained squad of killers silently infiltrated themselves into Bin Laden’s top-secret subterranean, mountain-top, undersea headquarters, where Mother Teresa distracted the evil terrorist genius by performing a lewd dance while wearing only a ring of bananas around her waist.

In a remarkably bloodless operation, the criminal mastermind barely had time to reach for his diamond-encrusted ceremonial Kalashnikov before being shot, stabbed, choked, poisoned, cursed, trampled, drowned, burnt and crushed.

You’re goin’ down, Muthafukka, the Pope spat as he fired his Holy Bazooka at the Most Evil Man Who Ever Lived.

There were no other deaths in the ruthlessly efficient action, apart from 572 henchmen.

Speaking through Schwarzenegger, the former Pope shrugged off any suggestions of heroism. We must do what we must do, he waved.

Later, the Special Action-Hero Force showed their deep respect for Muslim funeral traditions by kicking the body out of a helicopter into the sea.

That’s what Muhammad would have done, explained Indiana Jones.  Trust me.   I’m an archaeologist.

Vatican sources indicate that the way is now open for an immediate upgrade of the Pope from Blessed to Saint, and Holy See engineers are already working on the software.

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Meanwhile, on BBC, former prime minister Tony Blair welcomed the news, warning that those  responsible for the deaths of large numbers of civilians can expect retribution.

 

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Also on Bock:

Imagine being a dead Muslim

 

  19 Responses to “Second Miracle Confirmed. Pope John Paul II Kills Osama bin Laden”

Comments (19)
  1.  

    i always know where to come for the real deal news, sugar! ;~D xxo

  2.  

    Good weekend all round, Bin Laden – on of the great 45 players, you’d never catch him leading with a five and taking the trump right out of his partners hand – en route to the great Islamic bordello in the sky, D’arse beating the Evil Empire. Celtic won, more parcels bombs on the way to Lennon – imagine all the Old Firm living life in peace – and will overtake the Hun if they beat someone with a Thistle in their name Wednesday. Old Bev beat Cork Contracted Cons. They even showed that on telly – fancyshowing Irish club rugby on TV? Dublin beat the Cats at hurling, their first title since the Panzers rolled into Poland. Alas, the final bell rang for Enry Cooper. Enry dropped Ali, then called Clay, back in the 60s. Ali claimed that his ancestors back in Africa felt that left hook. Angelo Dundee bought Clay some time until the tweety birds stopped circling his head by encouraging a tear in his glove, demanding a new one etc. One of the great Seconds was/is Dundee. Clay came back out of the twilight zone and won the non-title duel. RIP to Sir Enry.

  3.  

    I nearly choked from laughing so much.
    Bock you’re one bad ass Muthafukka.

    Great news for the yanks. A baddie was taken out.
    Even the stock market is due to rise over it.
    http://money.cnn.com/2011/05/02/markets/premarkets/?section=money_latest

  4.  

    Ah lads.

    lads

    lads………..

    What about Limerick ?

    Division II league champions .

    8 x consecutive competitive matches on the trot

    Sake !

  5.  

    winning matches too

  6.  

    If only they’d stop drinking Mr Sniffle, they’d win an All Ireland – PS Chelski are on yer tail…..

  7.  

    Excellent. Laugh out loud funny. Keep it up!

  8.  

    by kicking the body into the sea, maybe they were trying to prevent the sale of relics? now his foreskin must be around somewhere, could be worth a few bob.

  9.  

    A few questions about your otherwise fascinating, and I’m sure (mostly) true account:

    1. How could he rise to Sainthood using stolen Russian fighter bombers? (Or is that alright since they are mostly godless heathens over there?)

    2. Or after spitting out that MF curse word?

    3. Death of what civilians?

    4. And most important of all, why did he wait so long to do it? Must have known from Up There where the MEM WEL* was.

    *Most Evil Man Who Ever Lived.

    BeaMaria: 1st time I’ve ever seen someone actually write out LOL in words! ; )

  10.  

    1. There’s a passage in Deuteronomy specifically stating that it’s acceptable to steal Russian aircraft.

    2. The Pope was speaking in the vernacular used by the donor body. He also said Ah’ll be back.

    3. Civilians in Iraq, a country that had nothing to do with Bin Laden or the 9/11 attacks.

    4. He timed the assault to coincide with the Royal Wedding, for maximum impact.

  11.  

    1. Hmmm – missed that one, but I’ll take your word for it (this time).

    2. I thought of that – just wanted to be sure.

    3. Oh – that makes sense.

    4. Ah – of course – why didn’t I think of that?

  12.  

    who gets the reward money?

  13.  

    Seems like no one, since there was no civilian tipper. And the lead seems to have been from a guest at Guantanamo Bay Resorts. Don’t think that he will get it – unless he can eventually prove that he’s there unjustly.

  14.  

    The reward is in Heaven

  15.  

    Even for the tipper? Not fair!

    BTW, how many virgins does a MEM WEL get there?

  16.  

    so obama can now justify the non closure of the resort?

  17.  

    Yes he can!!

  18.  

    Between Bussh and Osama who is the true Evil?. Search your mind thoroughly.

  19.  

    Stop deceiving yourslves, we all know 9/11 was a Zionist conspiracy.

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