Within days of curing a nun’s Parkinson’s disease, the ghost of Pope John Paul II has moved decisively to claim a place in the annals of greatness.
Using a body donated by Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Pope led a crack team of action heroes, including John McClane, Casey Ryback, John Connor, Mother Teresa, Superman, Maximus, Bilbo Baggins, William Munny, Rambo, James Bond, Captain Kirk, Neo and Indiana Jones into the heart of Pakistan to take down the World’s Most Wanted Man.
Using Blackhawks, Apaches, Harley-Davidsons, A-10 Warthogs, a herd of wild mustangs, stolen Russian fighter-bombers, a Tiger tank, a nuclear submarine, a spaceship and a Zeppelin, the highly-trained squad of killers silently infiltrated themselves into Bin Laden’s top-secret subterranean, mountain-top, undersea headquarters, where Mother Teresa distracted the evil terrorist genius by performing a lewd dance while wearing only a ring of bananas around her waist.
In a remarkably bloodless operation, the criminal mastermind barely had time to reach for his diamond-encrusted ceremonial Kalashnikov before being shot, stabbed, choked, poisoned, cursed, trampled, drowned, burnt and crushed.
You’re goin’ down, Muthafukka, the Pope spat as he fired his Holy Bazooka at the Most Evil Man Who Ever Lived.
There were no other deaths in the ruthlessly efficient action, apart from 572 henchmen.
Speaking through Schwarzenegger, the former Pope shrugged off any suggestions of heroism. We must do what we must do, he waved.
Later, the Special Action-Hero Force showed their deep respect for Muslim funeral traditions by kicking the body out of a helicopter into the sea.
That’s what Muhammad would have done, explained Indiana Jones. Trust me. I’m an archaeologist.
Vatican sources indicate that the way is now open for an immediate upgrade of the Pope from Blessed to Saint, and Holy See engineers are already working on the software.
Meanwhile, on BBC, former prime minister Tony Blair welcomed the news, warning that those responsible for the deaths of large numbers of civilians can expect retribution.
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