The King of the Spongers

 Posted by on June 10, 2011  Add comments
Jun 102011
 

I bumped into the King of the Spongers this morning, running down the street.  His face was bright red and he was heavily out of breath.

He was carrying a bag of beer bottles.

Jesus, Your Majesty, I said.  Why do you exert yourself thus? I haven’t seen you so flushed since the Free Spliff Festival in Killinabong.

That was the World Pint-Robbing Championships, he said.

Oh, you’re right, I conceded. But why the rush?

Grave matters, he gasped. I’m late for a bus.

A bus?  Why not wait for the next one?

Impossible, he replied.  I’m late for the Free Drink Festival in Ballinadyuck.

Oh, that’s bad, I told him.

It certainly is, he agreed. I’m just back from the Cologne International Gallery-Opening Wine-Snaffling Competition.

How did you get on?

Fine.  I won it, but didn’t manage to get any bottles home with me, so that would rank as a fail.

Yeah, I agreed. By your standards, it’s pretty poor.

Still, he went on, I did ok at the Free Grub Festival in Sandwich.  Managed to steal everyone’s beer and grass without being noticed, but I have to get to Ballinadyuck.  I’m defending my crown as King of the Spongers, and there’s one or two young bucks who’d be only too happy to usurp the  title.

Is that the certificate you stole from the ambassador’s wine reception?

How dare you.  I worked hard for my crown.

Ah now, your Highness, please.  You never worked a day in your life.

I’m an artist, he protested.

You found a few sticks on a beach and called them art.  You thought it might get you laid.

I’m a poet, he replied, looking over his shoulder and tightening his grip on the bottles. I’m entitled to rob my friends.  It’s the law.  Anyway,  I have to run.

Where did you get the energy so early?

I have a new app for my iPhone.  It alerts me whenever someone is opening an art show or having a party.

Ah!  So you were up all night drinking free wine and eating free grub?

I certainly was.  We royalty never carry money.  I thought everyone knew that.

There’s your bus.

Good, he said. I will arise and go now, and go to Guinness free.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  23 Responses to “The King of the Spongers”

Comments (23)
  1.  

    Sounds like a regular in tthe White House.

  2.  

    Sounds like all the regulars in the White House!

  3.  

    Ahem, pray tell me, ahem. Where is this White House you speak of?, is it the one with the puppet who thinks he is a president? You mean the usa has a king and he is a sponger! wow!

  4.  

    Sounds more like a scoundrel then a sponger Bock.
    I would always stand a scoundrel or a rogue a pint. You always get good value for your few pence.
    The conversation/entertainment is always worth it. Knowing full well in advance of purchasing the porter, that you’re hardly likely to get one back.
    Better then being stuck in a pay as you go round with a gobshite any day.

  5.  

    Is this about Phil yhe greek ?

  6.  

    I agree with Long John Silver, a pint for a rogue can be entertaining. Was very concerned in a hostelry recently when the barman presented me with a pint with the compliments of yon King of Spongers. The barman eyed me up, nodded sagely and muttered something to the effect that that one pint would be the most expensive free pint I would ever consume. Shaken, I nodded to the King and drank it down with relish.

  7.  

    Although I am not a drinking man myself I always joined a group of lads in a pub on sunday mornings simply because the conversation and craic was mighty. A rogue would always pop in on his rounds and the lads would would stand him a pint, a yarn would be told and he would then down the pint in one go and off he would go. On one occasion the lads decided to play a trick on him. In collusion with the barmaid a pint of water topped up with the black stuff was served up to the rogue. The same routine was followed, he told his yarn and proceeded to down the water but there was a scatter when back up came the whole fucking lot, the rogue ran around the bar holding his throat and screaming ; Im fucking poisined its fucking water

  8.  

    ” Im fucking poisined its fucking water”.. haha.. That’s gas.

    I hate stingy bastards too. Which reminds me of one that I lent a tenner to recently and haven’t gotten it back. Said it to him the other day.. “hey stingy, where’s my tenner”.. and he said I never gave it to him. I don’t think so. Oh well, he won’t be gettin nuttin again.

  9.  

    FME Lending money to stingers and the acquisition of free porter by rouges are two completely different things.

    Its the Pirate in me that takes my hat off to the scoundrel and rogue that can find free porter where there’s none to be had and provide great company as well.
    Its an art form that takes years and years to develop.
    ‘And what do you do for a living? said the wise man to the scoundrel.
    ‘I Sir said the scoundrel, have a first class honours degree in Skulduggery and Roguery recieved with distinction, I might add, from that wonderful university in Paris, run by the Sisters of the Poor Mouth. Ah Paris, golden days my wise friend, golden days indeed. Now run along to the bar my good fellow tis your round.

  10.  

    Had an experience with the said sponger myself over the week-end. Not the first time either. Out in company, my 3/4 full pint was taken right before my eye’s. 20 mins later while my friend was outside his 1/2 full pint was taken. Why I ask myself do we leave this individual away with this. I’m not sure. Do I find it so embarrassing that I can’t even confront the person. If we all carried on like that, we could go out 7 night’s of the week. It’s a disgrace. I for one will be watching this in future. I would hope that I won’t be so forgiving the next time it happens.

  11.  

    Kate — Are you saying that some sponger reached over and took your drink while you looked on?

  12.  

    Yes, silly me

  13.  

    Of course, it’s important to remember that this sponger may not be your sponger, but some other leech or parasite.

  14.  

    I think I know who this sponger is. Would this sponger be well known for abusing people’s hospitality?

  15.  

    All spongers abuse people. It’s in their nature.

  16.  

    Jesus, what started out (I thought) as a mildly humorous look at spongers, rogues, vagabonds, whatever you want to call them, has suddenly turned into the “out the sponger in your local” campaign. That’s a bit fucken weird. After all one mans sponger is another mans friend. From the undertones in some of the comments I’m starting to see names on real faces now. Maybe I’ve read this post all wrong, its not what I thought was a humorous look at roguery, but is in fact a back biting fest. Think I’ll leave this one alone.

  17.  

    Strangely, LJS, there isn’t a single description of anyone in the post, or a single identifying feature, apart from sponginess. Therefore, in theory, it should be impossible to see names or faces, unless you already associated this behaviour with some individual.

  18.  

    Certainly didn’t associate this behaviour with any individual. As stated earlier, I thought the thread was a humorous generalisation on the character of the typical Irish rogue.
    !Of course, it’s important to remember that this sponger may not be your sponger, but some other leech or parasite’
    The above response from yourself to Kate, made me realize that you were talking about a real individual from the outset, and not some imaginary sponger. And it would appear some contributors are trying to second guess what real life charter you have based the thread on. You wouldn’t need to be Einstein to figure that one out. I’m probably a bit naive in that I should have figured this out myself much earlier in the proceedings. That’s where I decided this isn’t a fun thread anymore. I just don’t like gossip.

  19.  

    The post definitely resonated with some people. Clearly there’s no way of knowing if Kate’s sponger is the same as yours or Einstein’s, but I think there’s a song in this somewhere. The Universal Sponger.

  20.  

    I suppose, really, it is how we Dont handle it when its happening in the moment that can also define the situation. The same thing happened to me over the last weekend But I didn’t confront it which left me pissed off with myself afterwards. The abuser/abused syndrome. I was in friendly company and did not want to make a scene. I am more the wiser because of it though.

  21.  

    Long John, RE: “FME Lending money to stingers and the acquisition of free porter by rouges are two completely different things. ..Its the Pirate in me that takes my hat off to the scoundrel and rogue that can find free porter where there’s none to be had and provide great company as well.”

    That’s nice of you and all Long John.. but I’m not a pirate and I’m not Rockefeller either.
    They need to be told, “buy your own drink you stingy bollix”. Rogue or no rogue.
    I’d have a generous disposition myself but I’m not too fond of chancers.

  22.  

    I hope you all have a T.V. licence! Ha Ha
    The Universal sponger yes he really is to blame.

  23.  

    No way of knowing who ye’d be talking about all right.. unless!.. you’d dedicate the song ‘The universal Sponger’ to someone/s in the pub. Name and shame I say!
    Now there’s some roguery for ya! ha ha.

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