So the government has decided to ban people from smoking in their cars?
Good luck with that great idea. It’s bound to be a huge success, once they manage to stop the traffic cops smoking on duty.
I observed you smoking a cigarette while in control of a mechanically-propelled vehicle. What do you say to that?
Of course you did. I needed a puff. What the fuck are you talking about?
I’m charging you with committing an offence under the Consumption of Nicotine Products in Moving Vehicles (Amendment) Act 2011.
I’m having a smoke. So fucking what?
‘Tis very bad for you.
Bad for me? Look at the state of you, you big fat fucker. You should be charged under the Not Eating Doughnuts in a Squad-Car Act. Jesus Christ!
All right. I’m now charging you with blasphemous libel under the Defamation Act, 2009.
You’re fucking mad.
And also with a public order offence under the Things We Can Charge People With Act, 1998.
Wait. What if I was standing beside my car having a cigarette. Would that be bad for me too?
No. That would be perfectly healthy. ‘Tis the smokin’ in the car that does for ya.
What if I was chewing tobacco?
Same thing. Using nicotine.
How about if I was wearing a patch?
Misuse of drugs.
What if the car was stopped?
That would be fine. ‘Tis the speed that makes the stuff dangerous. High speed. Very very bad. Speed kills. And secondhand smoke is very bad too because it makes the kids sick.
I have no kids. There is no child in this fuckin car.
There might be.
You might be thinking of begetting children, and then I’d have to charge you under the Thinking Smutty Thoughts (Ecumenical Congress) Act of 1932.
What if I just wanted a cigarette?
If the car is moving, ’tis an offence to think about smoking. You should pull onto the hard shoulder until the urge to smoke passes.
Jesus Fucking Christ.
I’ll have to charge you with blasphemous libel again if you’re not careful.
What about fat fuckers?
Fat fuckers giving their kids fat-fucker-making food, with soft drinks and frozen shite full of salt and sugar? Making them obese.
In a car?
No. At home.
Careful now, or I’ll have to charge you under the Thinking Bad Things About Idiots Who Are Too Fucking Thick To Feed Their Kids Properly Act 2006.