One of t’great things bout being God of Rock is that people pay you to exploit your talents. Now, I’ve done me fair share of beer and toe nail clipper commercials, which is all well and good but, if you really want to make some serious change without leaving t’bloody comfort of your own home, film soundtracks are the way to go.
I’d always wanted to put me own music in films. I remember watching The Mission, turning the sound down and lashing out a few bloody power chords. It turned it into t’action movie. It was, while talking to the famous director, Wes Broomstein, bout this very topic that I got me first job as a soundtrack composer.
T’movie were an action vehicle for Danish bodybuilder, Dirk Hagstrom, called Kill Me. He were a bloody lumpy lad, wereDirk. He worshipped me. The daft apeth would leave buckets of chicken and beer for me, when I visited the set. I’d watch some action sequences and I’d just play along to them. I brought along me band, Franz Monkfish on bass, Heidi Queef on keyboard and Zane Rothschild on drums. We’d been rehearsing for a new band called The Pit of Death at the time but we took a break to do the movie.
The first movie made $280m on its opening weekend and, as happens, a formula was born. When it come time for Kill Me 2 – Won’t Get Killed Again, we were front and bloody centre. That bloody movie did better than the first one, despite the fact that there was no plot and we were in talks to do the third in the series, two days after the premier. Bloody brilliant! I were poking Dirk’s co-star, Vivienne Broadbox at the time and I got the feeling Dirk weren’t all that chuffed about it.
So there we were, all ready to begin shooting Kill Me 3 – The Final Straw and Dirk’s getting a bit big for his boots. He wanted to do less violent movies and had agreed to do the Christmas film, Jingle My Bells. I were really put out about this and, after some gentle persuasion and a good honest chinning, he changed his mind. The bloody third movie were massive. Dirk were acting with a real bee in his bonnet.
He came to me after we finished the film and told me that, if I didn’t finish it with Vivienne, there would be no more Kill Me movies to milk. Fair enough. I bloody dropped her like a hot snot over the phone and she made it clear that we were to kill her character off. Wes were none too pleased with this news, as she were a box office smash. He reckoned her tits were worth $80m per movie. As normally happens throughout me illustrious career, things were beginning to fall apart.
Wes’s lawyers advised Miss Broadbox that she were under contract for five Kill Me movies but that Wes would be happy to kill her off in the fourth one. When we came to shoot what would be the final instalment, Kill Me 4 – Kill Me Again and I’ll Kill You, no one were really talking to each other on set. Turns out Wes had been sleeping with Dirk, Dirk were in love with Vivienne, Vivienne were in love with me and Heidi were sleeping with everyone except her husband Franz and her secret lover, Zane. It all bloody came out in the course of the fourth movie. The tabloids had t’bloody field day with it. Heidi was the only one who came out of the ensuing scandal unscathed and later pursued a successful career in porn under the name, Fanny McHooters.
Hollywood said to itself, Bugger this for a lark, and wouldn’t bloody touch me with a fifty-foot barge pole as, somehow, I got blamed for causing all the friction. Yeah, I did soundtracks to a couple of Heidi’s movies but, all in all, a bloody handy little earner went down the pan.
My advice for any of you thinking of getting into movie soundtracks is this. Do it from bloody home.