The Waiter Doesn’t Care What My Name Is

One thing I find extremely irritating is when someone decides to share my private information with a total stranger.  You might think I’m being a bit prickly when I say this, but, truth to tell, I value my privacy, and if I want to introduce myself to a total stranger, I’d like to make that choice for myself.

What am I talking about?

Restaurants.  Waiters.  That’s what.

I do not like to be led through a menu by an eating companion.  I do not like to be asked what I’m having.  I do not like anyone to show me the things on the fucking menu, because I am perfectly able to read for my fucking self.

But most of all, when the waiter arrives, I do not like my eating companion to share my name with him.

Say you’re Tarquin, in a restaurant with Attilla, Drusilla and Cassius.

Cassius is one irritating fuck who needs to be in charge of everything.  After you’ve ordered and all the food arrives, he’ll continue to ask everyone questions about their dinner.  He’ll remind you that you haven’t tried the fucking cous-cous yet and you really should, but worst of all, when the waiter arrives, he’ll try to set up a spurious relationship by inviting you to order.

So, Tarquin.  What are you having?

The appropriate response to this is Fuck off and mind your own business.  Who the fuck do you think you are?

But you don’t say that, do you?

Why not?

Well, it might be a family dinner and you don’t want to break the mood, even though it’s not you but that idiot Cassius.  Or it might be a work thing, and nobody wants to be there anyway, but if they hang on they’ll get that steak that they could never afford to order unless the boss was paying for it with the company credit card, so they shut the fuck up even though they want to punch the bastard just like you do.

I’m getting better at this.  These days I tell that man to look after his own menu and not to worry about mine.  I don’t like when he acts like some kind of host, even though we’re all splitting the bill.

Behave yourself, I say.  Do not introduce me to the waiter by name.   I’m an anonymous customer, as I should be.

The guy is not only invading your space, but also inviting the waiter into a space he should not have to inhabit.  He’s here to work, not find out the names of everyone in the shop.

It really really annoys me that someone might take it on themselves to usurp my power to offer familiarity should I so choose.

It’s a kind of control thing, in my opinion and it pisses me off.  What do you think?


24 replies on “The Waiter Doesn’t Care What My Name Is”

Or you know when you are out with friends and you are asked “What were you thinking?” “Well Jonathan, I was considering the rack of lamb” “Hmmm” Says Jonathan, “I was opting for the medallions of pork” You uneducated tasteless young man, in brackets.

Next time ask the person you are eating with if your company isn’t enough.
By the way is it the same as the person you are with wanting to taste what is on your plate? That drives me insane!

Ah, Bock, you need to bowl a googly. Say you’re ready to order and let him call the waiter over then when the waiter arrives say you need more time to think and ask him to go ahead and order his own. He will become flustered at losing control of the situation and start arguing others should go first or, not wishing to show he is discomfited, will order while annoyed that he will be unable to provide a concluding flourish and a few bon mots to the waiter.

Are you an undercover CIA agent? lighten up. And I bet your name is Paddy or Jack or Tom and there are a million of them in Ireland; so what difference whether the waiter knows or not? Now if your name WAS Tarquin, well…..

I was trying to add to my last comment — You concede yourself in the title of the post ‘The Waiter Doesn’t Care What My Name Is’ so don’t get worked up about something which will only lead to indigestion!—- but the edit function did not work. Bon appétit ;-)

Cassius doesn’t get out much maybe?…likes to be the centre of attention…perhaps a narcissist? Perhaps a pain whether in a restaurant or anywhere else? He obviously gets to you Bock! Avoid in future!

Rob, RE: “By the way is it the same as the person you are with wanting to taste what is on your plate?”
Big family huh? Sharing is caring as they say. I’m not a big dessert eater, but remember one time I felt like a little of my friend’s creme brulee.. broke the top of it and took some when he wasn’t looking.
There were nearly tears. ha. The whole lot of it was shoved over to me. Stingy, dozy, yank.

Cassius sounds like an annoying bollix. Even if he was the type to take charge, it’s only courteous to ask others if they’re ready to order, rather than inviting them to go ahead.
It is rude too to start telling strangers who you are.
Not sure why anyone would do that, other than them being impressed with you Bock.

Of course what “Cassius” probably doesn’t realise, is that by asking “what are you having” he is implicitly offering to pay for it as well; the correct response is “oh, thanks very much, I’ll have the 64oz fillet and a lobster on the side”.
When the waiter departs, make a point of thanking him again for buying your dinner, of course he will get flustered at which point you can tell him to stop asking you. Works best if there are several other people present.

That sounds pretty flippin patronising.

The following scenario annoys me greatly:

Waiter: would you like some pepper?

Me(out loud): yes please.

Me(in my head): yes, but I don’t need your fucking help to put pepper on my food. I don’t want to sit here like a 2-year-old watching you put pepper on my dinner from an oversized comedy dispenser. Last time I checked, pepper wasn’t such a valuable commodity that it was unreasonable to leave some on the fucking table, so people could do it themselves. I’m not going to steal or molest the pepper, just trust me. Having someone else do it for me doesn’t enhance the dining experience, because I have your arms and the stupid fucking pepper thing in my face, and can’t conduct a normal conversation that way.

Obviously, it’s not the waiter’s fault, but god it’s stupid.

Or someone asking “how’s your food?” when you’re right in the middle of chewing and they can see that you’re chewing but still get annoyed that you haven’t replied immediately. I’d enjoy it better if you stop asking. Asshole.

I’ve decided I’m growing balls from now on when I’m asked how is the food. Fuck it, if there’s something wrong they’re hearing and fixing the problem.

Davey I agree with your point, I hate when waiters bring a beer/water/soft drink to the table and pour into your glass. I’m well capable cheers.

Aah, so close to perfect.
Now that the waiter has been put in his place, finally can we agree on how to deal with the chef who comes out for a slap on the back and a hand job as you’re sitting there drinking your port and sucking on your last Havana…

Jeez, people still going out for din din’s to restaurants! Well Holy god! Where do ye get the ready’s
Anyway its much more fun to have a few Friends around for the din din’s. You can eat, drink and smoke as much as you like.
Eat it out of a fucken jam jar, if you prefer. Just as long as the company and crack is good.
Never really liked eating in restaurants anyway. Unless its a late night indian or chinese and ye’ve all had a few in. Table etiquette out the window then folks,eh? Its every man and woman for themselves. Usually great fun though.

Make your home a ‘Langer free zone’
Or else if he wangles his way into an invite give him your neighbours address for the din din party. You know the neighbour to send him to. The guy who hasn’t returned the drill you leant to him 2 years ago!
Two birdies with the one stone. Jesus I love it when a plan comes together.

Bock. Welcome to the grumpy ‘auld’ man club. :-)

but yeah these fuckers are very annoying and deserve severe beatin…, I mean a sever talking to. Best stick to telling them to mind their own fuckin’ business and quit with the ‘loding it over the lot of us you snide bastard etc’

i.e ‘lording over’ not ‘loding over..etc’

(soething wrong with the edit comment (at least on my computer)

and thanks for a good laugh ….nice post

Things like the comment editing are going to be a bit flaky for a while until we iron out all the little bugs associated with changing theme and layout. All I can do is ask readers to be patient.

That’s not so bad, Bock. After all, you can choose to never again dine with a companion like that.

It’s the things that waiters say or do that get my goat. Like someone said above, I can sprinkle pepper myself!

And waiters, please don’t command me to “enjoy!” Or at least use proper grammer – ‘to enjoy’ is a transitive verb. So finish the stupid sentence! Better still, don’t say it at all. I don’t need your fucking approval.

Nor should you ask “Is everything ok?” When is ‘everything’ ever ok? If you mean, is your poxy food ok, then be man/woman enough to ask that, and I can reply that it certainly is fucking not ok, you miserable, lying, poisoner.

God, I love dining out! And then writing balanced reviews on menupages.

(Heh, Manuel won’t like this!)

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