Conkering Heroes

 Posted by on September 30, 2011  Add comments
Sep 302011
 

One judge draws a circle on the floor, and then he draws a pentagram inside it.

‘Tis a dual-purpose mark, he confides. We can’t have people playin’ like a man possessed..

His fellow judges indicate assent by banging their glasses on the counter.

I suppose it’s time we made up some rules, says another judge, considering the fact that the place is full of people and we’re about to start.

I suppose, agree his colleagues, and so, they hastily scribble down as many arbitrary instructions as their drink-addled brains will permit.

 

  • You may grasp your opponent’s conker to steady it.
  • You may stamp on your opponent’s conker if it falls on the floor.
  • You may NOT stamp on his hand if he tries to pick it up.
  • The judges’ decision is always final.
  • You may appeal an unfair decision, but it must be filled out in triplicate and submitted to the appeals committee.
  • The appeals committee will consist of the three judges.
  • Foul language is encouraged.
  • Abusing the judges will result in a red card.
  • 3 points will be deducted for deliberately targeting knuckles.
  • 1 point will be deducted for tomfoolery.
  • 1 point will be deducted for acting the maggot.
  • 2 points will be deducted for jiggery-pokery.
  • 1 in 10 decisions will be grossly unfair to encourage a spirit of competitiveness.
  • A qualified conkerologist will conduct random drug tests on conkers during competition.

The judges carefully work out the rules

 

Conkers are supplied on the night to avoid skulduggery

 

A judge draws the circle on the floor

A judge practises with one of the athletes

Sorting the dobbers

The athletes get down to business

A large and enthusiastic crowd show their appreciation

 

Athletes and spectators mingle

 

Competition grows intense

Tomfoolery

Jiggery-pokery

Direct hit!

Athlete fails random drug test

Conkerologist carrying out random drug test on conker

Drunkenness in athletes encouraged

Runner-up congratulates winner

 

[book id=’2′ /]

 

  6 Responses to “Conkering Heroes”

Comments (6)
  1.  

    Looks like great craic,sorry I missed it,When’s round two?

  2.  

    Bring on the inter-county championships i say, Cork conkers rock! BTW what happened to using old shoelaces?

  3.  

    They couldn’t afford old shoelaces. It’s a recession.

  4.  

    whens this years championship going ahead

  5.  

    Not sure. It’s all a bit vague.

  6.  

    i need to redeem myself, i was cheeted last year by being provided with a croocked knot in my rope

Leave a Reply