Conkering Heroes

One judge draws a circle on the floor, and then he draws a pentagram inside it.

‘Tis a dual-purpose mark, he confides. We can’t have people playin’ like a man possessed..

His fellow judges indicate assent by banging their glasses on the counter.

I suppose it’s time we made up some rules, says another judge, considering the fact that the place is full of people and we’re about to start.

I suppose, agree his colleagues, and so, they hastily scribble down as many arbitrary instructions as their drink-addled brains will permit.


  • You may grasp your opponent’s conker to steady it.
  • You may stamp on your opponent’s conker if it falls on the floor.
  • You may NOT stamp on his hand if he tries to pick it up.
  • The judges’ decision is always final.
  • You may appeal an unfair decision, but it must be filled out in triplicate and submitted to the appeals committee.
  • The appeals committee will consist of the three judges.
  • Foul language is encouraged.
  • Abusing the judges will result in a red card.
  • 3 points will be deducted for deliberately targeting knuckles.
  • 1 point will be deducted for tomfoolery.
  • 1 point will be deducted for acting the maggot.
  • 2 points will be deducted for jiggery-pokery.
  • 1 in 10 decisions will be grossly unfair to encourage a spirit of competitiveness.
  • A qualified conkerologist will conduct random drug tests on conkers during competition.
The judges carefully work out the rules


Conkers are supplied on the night to avoid skulduggery


A judge draws the circle on the floor
A judge practises with one of the athletes
Sorting the dobbers
The athletes get down to business
A large and enthusiastic crowd show their appreciation


Athletes and spectators mingle


Competition grows intense
Direct hit!
Athlete fails random drug test
Conkerologist carrying out random drug test on conker
Drunkenness in athletes encouraged
Runner-up congratulates winner


[book id=’2′ /]


6 thoughts on “Conkering Heroes

  1. Bring on the inter-county championships i say, Cork conkers rock! BTW what happened to using old shoelaces?

  2. i need to redeem myself, i was cheeted last year by being provided with a croocked knot in my rope

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