Presidential Campaign Hots Up as Norris Nominated

So, despite the best efforts of assorted political fantasists, craw-thumpers and straightforward homophobes, David Norris has managed to secure a place on the ballot sheet for the presidential election.

Good.  That’ll give the holy joes something to think about as they gnaw at the feet of their statues.

Imagine what Archbishop McQuaid would be saying if he could only see the state Ireland has got itself into, saints preserve us.  But wait.  Of course he can see.  Didn’t he pass into everlasting life when he cast off these mortal bonds and doesn’t he now sit beside the Mayor of Heaven at all important meetings and dinners?

Of course he does.   There’s only one JC who matters up there and it isn’t that hippie guy.

It’ll give Dana something to think about too as she wanders around Knock with Susan Boyle.  Did you see that?  The presidential candidate whose major achievement in life was to win a very dodgy song contest 41 years ago with a decidedly dodgy song, was photographed blundering around the heart of all Irish religious fakery with poor old Susan Boyle, the new face of Gillette.

What the hell could they have been talking about together as they stared at the sun and tried to make out the Virgin Mary in the clouds and the tree-stumps?

Isn’t that a grand wee wall over there Susan, right enough?

Why does the sun go on shining?

So we can stare at it Susan.  

Cry me a river. 

Look, Susan.   That’s where the visionaries saw the wee lamb and St John and Our Lady.  Right there on that wall.  There.

I dreamed a dream.

What’s that you say Susan?

It’s a perfect day.  Don’t say it’s the end of the world.

What on earth are we talking about here? What exactly is the list of people who think they should be president of Ireland?

Dana, an ultra-right evangelical whose main fan-base is in the American bible belt.  Dana hopes to be President in order to be a President before her close friend Sarah Palin.

Sean Gallagher, a mythical fire-breathing TV lizard.   Sean’s main purpose in the election is to promote his deeply-held belief in Sean.

Mary whose name I can never remember, the Quango Queen.  Fianna Fáil’s professional chairwoman.

Michael D, the man with no surname, who recites Poetry as long as it has a capital P.

Gay Mitchell, the Willie O Dea of West Dublin, but with extra Miraculous Medals, whips and possibly some painful leg-chains. In a world of comb-overs, Mitchell created a new hair look: the Mitchell swipe-aside.

Martin McGuinness, a man who never, ever headed the IRA, but who still refuses to discuss what he didn’t do.

And finally, of course, the dreaded arse-bandit Norris, whose campaign threatens to destroy civilisation as we know it.  A man who once wrote a letter.






14 thoughts on “Presidential Campaign Hots Up as Norris Nominated

  1. genius – love it.
    arse bandit to ruin civilization :)

    I must admit as an openly gay man I admire Dana’s self belief in the face of modern social thinking. I don’t agree with her but I do admire her.

    David Norris will bring a shining light of excitement onto this country and he will engage and entertain and I really believe he is the most suitable candidate for the job. I’m not saying that as a gay man but merely as an open minded one. The three people who are most honest are David Norris, Dana and Sean Gallagher and I guess that is how I intend to vote

  2. “There’s only one JC who matters up there and it isn’t that hippie guy.”

    Poor aul’ god, having to put up with that meddling bastard. He’ll want a hand in drafting the new ten commandments recognising the special place held by absolute bastards in heaven.

  3. Your forgot to mention Norris’s obsession with all things Joyce

    Repeat the following from Jamey Joyce. In your minds eye use that wonderful Norris accent to accentuate the following quote from Jamey.

    ‘ And then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will yes’

    Lovely isn’t it?

    Give me Michael D Higgins reciting poetry any day.

    The big D for Pres!

  4. But sur you can’t vote for any of them!!! McGuinness is a terrorist, Dana is a religious nut, Norris is a gay, Mitchell is a Jackeen with no regard for the rest of the country, Michael D is old, Sean Gallagher is a capitalist and Mary Davis is a woman!! Sur you couldn’t put any one of them in the Aras, they’d be a disgrace to us all internationally, like

  5. Having only one mind, I`m in two minds who to vote for, David Norris, to give all the holy joes as you call them Bock, a kick in the bollocks. Or. Michael D. Higgins, if i vote for him the pain in the bollocks won`t be the same.

    As for the rest, also rans I think, not worthy of any kind of comment. Except to say i have a pain in my bollocks from them.

  6. The flawed constitutional selection process, churns up the bland to the ridiculous. Couldn’t in all concsience vote for any of them. Would love to have voted for Norris, but I think he came out of the letter gate affair as a bit naieve, if he thinks the ear hair voting public will welcome him with open arms. As for the rest…… Yawn And McGuinness is a pit bull waiting to snarl, with all his PR schooling he still can’t control his inner thug.

  7. They were all on the News at One today, and all bar Ml D were just awful. None of them, except Ml D, have a bulls notion what the office of President entails and what are its constitutional limitations. Dana was waffling about her fighting background, McGuinness was waffling about his peacemaking. I never heard such disingenuous bullshit. Mitchell and Davis seem to think it’s an executive office where they will ‘do’ things like gombeen county councillors at a parish hall meeting. Norris has his head so far up his own donkey he has no sense of perspective on his candidature or how he might be perceived as President. Ml D wasn’t my choice until today – now I’ll be voting for him.

  8. One of those political fanatics trying to destroy David Norris actually believes the CIA ‘groomed’ Barack Obama for the US presidency, and ‘took care’ of some of his political opponents for him! He also believes Bill Clinton was involved in the drugs trade and had people killed to cover it up, and thinks aids is a conspiracy. Why has nobody in the media mentioned this about the young lad who started this!

  9. Because he’s a sad, irrelevant, lonely little creature with no real life of his own, sitting in a dingy bedroom in north London.

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