Christopher Hitchens is Dead

Why would you write RIP for a confirmed atheist?  He’s not resting.  He’s not in peace.  He’s dead.

Christopher would not appreciate the idea of resting in peace.

This is an ex-Hitchens.

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Mr. Praline: ‘Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner does not respond.)

Mr. Praline: ‘Ello, Miss?

Owner: What do you mean “miss”?

Mr. Praline: I’m sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

Owner: We’re closin’ for lunch.

Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Hitchens what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue…What’s,uh…What’s wrong with it?

Mr. Praline: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. ‘E’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!

Owner: No, no, ‘e’s uh,…he’s resting.

Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead Hitchens when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.

Owner: No no he’s not dead, he’s, he’s restin’! Remarkable Hitchens, the Norwegian Blue, idn’it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

Mr. Praline: The plumage don’t enter into it. It’s stone dead.

Owner: Nononono, no, no! ‘E’s resting!

Mr. Praline: All right then, if he’s restin’, I’ll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) ‘Ello, Mister Christopher Hitchens! I’ve got a lovely bottle of Johnnie Walker Black Label for you if you  show…

(owner hits the cage)

Owner: There, he moved!

Mr. Praline: No, he didn’t, that was you hitting the cage!

Owner: I never!!

Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!

Owner: I never, never did anything…

Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) ‘ELLO CHRISTOPHER!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o’clock alarm call!

(Takes essayist out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

Mr. Praline: Now that’s what I call a dead Hitchens.

Owner: No, no…..No, ‘e’s stunned!

Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?

Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin’ up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.

Mr. Praline: Um…now look…now look, mate, I’ve definitely ‘ad enough of this. That Hitchens is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not ‘alf an hour     ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein’ tired and shagged out following a prolonged piss-up.

Owner: Well, he’s…he’s, ah…probably pining for the fjords.

Mr. Praline: PININ’ for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got ‘im home?

Owner: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin’ on its back! Remarkable Hitchens, id’nit, squire? Lovely plumage!

Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that Hitchens when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

Owner: Well, o’course it was nailed there! If I hadn’t nailed that Hitchens down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent ’em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Mr. Praline: “VOOM”?!? Mate, this Hitchens wouldn’t “voom” if you put four million volts through it! ‘E’s bleedin’ demised!

Owner: No no! ‘E’s pining!

Mr. Praline: ‘E’s not pinin’! ‘E’s passed on! This Hitchens is no more! He has ceased to be! ‘E’s expired and gone to meet ‘is maker! ‘E’s a stiff! Bereft of life, ‘e rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed ‘im to the perch ‘e’d be pushing up the daisies! ‘Is metabolic processes are now ‘istory! ‘E’s off the twig! ‘E’s kicked the bucket, ‘e’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-HITCHENS!!

(pause)

Owner: Well, I’d better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I’ve had a look ’round the back of the shop, and uh, we’re right out of Hitchenses.

Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.

Owner: I got a slug.

(pause)

Mr. Praline: Pray, does it talk?

Owner: Nnnnot really.

Mr. Praline: WELL IT’S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)

Mr. Praline: Well.

(pause)

Owner: (quietly) D’you…. d’you want to come back to my place?

Mr. Praline: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.

 

27 thoughts on “Christopher Hitchens is Dead

  1. Some alternatives, perhaps:
    Happy Death!
    Dead but not forgotten.
    Good life, good death!
    Recycling time, in a strict molecular sense.

  2. Heard a good interview with him , done not long after his diagnosis, where he discussed his own mortality etc etc…guess all the questions are answered for him now.

  3. Fair enough, in this particular interview (ABC Radio national Aus ) done Nov. 2010 and replayed the other night , he had a few relevant questions on the subject and mentioned that they may well be answered, one way or the other soon . Enjoyed that Hell’s Angel piece .

  4. Saw a piece on another blog where the heading said that he had PASSED away. Was he doing and educational course that he PASSED away?. They then proceeded to say RIP. Fucking hell, if he had not Died he would have verbaly assasinated them all. Did they not understand that he did not believe in all that shite?

    Auld christopher Hitchins is Dead. Goodbye Chris.

  5. Why did the atheist cross the road?

    He thought there might be another side, but he wouldn’t believe it until he tested his hypothesis.

  6. “The Missionary Position” was the first novel I read by Chris Hitchens. A great read and an indepth look into the “workings” of Mthr T. The youtube clip above is also a must watch, Hitch had a great way with words! I automatically said RIP when he died, must be my built in, now defunct, catholic mentoring of old :)

  7. I think rest in peace is fine.To me it’s just a relative term with a bit of poetic license.Rest as opposed to activity,and peace as the opposite of turmoil. Or something.

  8. When the story of Jesus has descended into mythology, Christopher Hitchens will still be read. He had no soul but his spirit will live on forever.

  9. imagine some waiting room in a theoretical afterlife containing alice glenn , kim jong il and the hitch

  10. If infinity exists & mathematically it does, because you can always add 1 to the largest number you can come up with, CH within a standard view of time is waiting to be born again. As he is dead, time for him has no meaning, until he wakes up, born again.
    Within this particular universe it took 15 billion years for us to be born, this amount of time would mean nothing within infinity. There is enough time for everything that could ever happen to happen an infinite number of times, infinitely. So, everything that ever happened which led to you being born would eventually happen again, but maybe slightly differently. You would be as you are now but with slightly different circumstances that would lead you off on another trail. This theory is also backed up by the late quantam physicist Hugh Everett the father of the bandleader from the Eels.In his parallel worlds theory because atomic particles can be in more than one place at a time, it means we can too. It seems as though every time we make a decision we split into 2 parts.
    This all sounds crazy you might say, unlike talking snakes, virgin births etc & a heaven where if you are a goody goody you get to sit on a cloud through infinity grinning non stop, surrounded by other goody goodies, listening to Christian rock music, hymns & mass. It is supposed to be non stop ecstacy, I get if I behave, 2 lots of maybe 30 seconds of that a week, I don’t think I could stand an hour of it, never mind eternity, I would become insane, but it’s only insane people who grin all the time, so that figures. The fact is nobody knows what has happened to a very interesting & flawed sinner. I wish him well anyway.

    http://www.eelstheband.com/parallel_worlds.php

  11. If Einstein is correct and space-time is one and if the Big Bang is followed by the Big Crunch, then time will be reversed as space-time contracts and maybe Hitchens will live his life in reverse.

  12. Ian » I don’t think it quite works that way, although it would be interesting to observe. Did you ever read Time’s Arrow by Martin Amis?

  13. I was reading this yesterday. Stephen Hawkings – The Beginning of Time.
    http://www.hawking.org.uk/index.php/lectures/62

    “Originally, I thought that the collapse, would be the time reverse of the expansion. This would have meant that the arrow of time would have pointed the other way in the contracting phase. People would have gotten younger, as the universe got smaller. Eventually, they would have disappeared back into the womb.
    However, I now realise I was wrong, as these solutions show. The collapse is not the time reverse of the expansion….

    The conclusion of this lecture is that the universe has not existed forever. Rather, the universe, and time itself, had a beginning in the Big Bang, about 15 billion years ago. The beginning of real time, would have been a singularity, at which the laws of physics would have broken down. Nevertheless, the way the universe began would have been determined by the laws of physics, if the universe satisfied the no boundary condition. This says that in the imaginary time direction, space-time is finite in extent, but doesn’t have any boundary or edge. The predictions of the no boundary proposal seem to agree with observation. The no boundary hypothesis also predicts that the universe will eventually collapse again. However, the contracting phase, will not have the opposite arrow of time, to the expanding phase. So we will keep on getting older, and we won’t return to our youth. Because time is not going to go backwards, I think I better stop now. “

  14. FF1 » I think that’s a fair summary of the idea. It will all just collapse again, and then there will be have a whole new universe.

    Nothing will go backwards.

  15. Yeah. I find it a little confusing myself.
    This paragraph especially, where he gets to the crux of the lecture – about time having a beginning.

    “As we look out at the universe, we are looking back in time, because light had to leave distant objects a long time ago, to reach us at the present time. This means that the events we observe lie on what is called our past light cone. The point of the cone is at our position, at the present time. As one goes back in time on the diagram, the light cone spreads out to greater distances, and its area increases. However, if there is sufficient matter on our past light cone, it will bend the rays of light towards each other. This will mean that, as one goes back into the past, the area of our past light cone will reach a maximum, and then start to decrease. It is this focussing of our past light cone, by the gravitational effect of the matter in the universe, that is the signal that the universe is within its horizon, like the time reverse of a black hole. If one can determine that there is enough matter in the universe, to focus our past light cone, one can then apply the singularity theorems, to show that time must have a beginning.”

    That to me doesn’t mean that time has a beginning. It’s just images of events in time that is the ‘past light cone’. It’s not really the past, just an image of the past. i.e; far away galaxies that appear to be close together – that’s an image of them but not how they are in real time.
    We’re seeing the image of how they were in the past due to the time it takes their light to reach us. Then again he does say he’s applying theorems.

  16. I’m relieved to discover that Hawking once laboured under a similar misapprehension about time being reversed (he probably abandoned the notion when he was about nine years old)

  17. Yeah seems like he pulled a better theory out of his arse since then :)

    “one can then apply the singularity theorems, to show that time must have a beginning”

    One can apply a theorem- for singularity (regarding matter) to time.. hmm.
    One can pull whatever they want out of their backside and make it fit to whatever one wants to bullshit on about.

    There’s no beginning of time. I mean if what he’s saying is true, then with the big crunch, time will come to an end -you’re back to a singularity.
    But what about the time we’e in now -of the expansion. Is that not time that existed?
    He makes no sense at all.

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