My little dog, Satan, was looking none too happy.
Here, I said. Eat this bowl of nutritionally-balanced, crunchy wholesome kibbles, packed with all the vitamins a healthy dog needs.
Grrrrr, said the dog.
Very well, I said. Have nothing then. And I folded my arms.
Wait a minute. What’s that searing, agonising pain shooting through my leg and burning new pathways in my brain? Why, that will be the dog gnawing at my ankle with sharpened fangs. Grrrrr.
Alright, Satan, I soothed as I pepper-sprayed him into a calm, quivering little mass. Point taken. Literally.
It was time for new thinking. Blue-sky puppy-shooting, going forward. Oh, did I mention to you that I’d recently made a fortune from an innovative range of dog foods?
Well, I did. Since launching my new brand, Real Food For Real Dogs, I can’t keep up with demand. It’s hard to know which line is most popular, but my researchers in the vast cavern complex below the Bockschloss tell me that Meaty Postman Chunks is trending worldwide on Twitter. For myself, I like Minced Burglar With Intruder Sauce but others have suggested that Free Newspaper Delivery Treats should be at number one. I don’t know. That sort of thing is for my minions to work out. The Meter Reader range is going well and so, surprisingly, is the speciality product, Garda Síochána in Guinness, with Chips and Doughnuts.
We’re hiring. If you’re a young, motivated dog-food designer, put your CV through the letter-box. All survivors will be interviewed.