Jesus and his half-brother Santa Claus didn’t get on. Santa resented the fact that Jesus had super powers, while Jesus simply didn’t like his older sibling. It didn’t seem right to Jesus that a child would be constantly saying Ho Ho Ho, or talking in a strange, fake accent. He didn’t like his brother’s habit of watching other children to see if they were asleep. Most of all, he hated Santa’s habit of drawing up lists: Naughty and Nice.
One day, after Santa Claus deliberately stood on a toy train that Jesus got from his godfather, Lucifer, Jesus jumped up, waved his arms and turned him into a fish and a pack of Hobnobs.
Take that, you prick, he said, as Santa the haddock flopped around the floor, his beard sticking to his scales.
The door burst open. It was God, both wrathful and vengeful.
What the fuck is going on here?
He stood on my train, said Jesus.
So you turned him into a haddock and a pack of biscuits? Jesus Christ, Jesus, how many times do I have to tell you? You can’t be turning people into fish and small high-carb snacks . This has to stop.
He clicked his fingers and in a flurry of breadcrumbs, Santa reappeared.
I’ll get you for that, Jesus. Mark my words. I’ll get you.
Sure you will, Monkey-boy, sneered Jesus.
Enough! barked God. I’m sick of this shit. You’re both going to be punished, but because I’m an infinitely just deity, there will be symmetry to my wrath. Each of you may choose the other’s punishment. Santa, because you were turned into a haddock, you may go first.
Santa’s little red eyes opened wide with delight. I want him crucified.
And why might that be, pray tell? inquired God.
So that he can’t wave his arms and turn people into fish.
That seems fair, agreed God. Now Jesus. It’s your turn.
Jesus thought for a moment. I want him to fly around the world on my birthday delivering toys to children and bringing happiness wherever he goes. I want him to be loved by everybody.
God raised his mighty eyebrows. That doesn’t seem like much of a punishment, if I may say so. Why do you choose this thing?
Well, Father, Jesus explained, in time to come, I will found a religion based on forgiveness and love. Therefore this punishment is appropriate.
My son, said God, You make me very proud of you.
Yes, Father, added Jesus, and also because I’ll only be crucified once but that fat bastard will have to squeeze down millions of chimneys for the rest of eternity.