As we face into another year of cutbacks, tax-hikes and unmitigated bullshit, I thought it might be a good time to wish you a happy new year, but then I decided the irony would be too much, so instead, I’ll wish you a relatively safe new year.
Who knows what it will bring? After our recent experiences, I wouldn’t be surprised to see alien landings, plagues of frogs, radioactive volcanoes and evil cat-stroking geniuses taking over the planet. They could hardly be worse than the boring, thieving ones who already took it over.
What are we going to do about the state of affairs? On reflection, the answer is, probably nothing, because we’re Irish and we’ve had passivity bred into us for generations, so what we’ll do instead is sulk. We’ll mutter at each other over a pint in a darkened pub and that will be that.
I managed a grim chuckle at yesterday’s headline: Banks could use massive losses to write off €4bn in tax.
Sweet, I thought. They lost a load of money, we made up the difference, and now they’re stiffing us for the tax they don’t want to pay.
Who bends over yet again? That’s right. It’s you!
I think I’ll go back to Jesus. It’s the only answer. I received a sign the other day telling me it’s time to seek out the Lord.
My elder offspring happened to be in the vicinity of the Knock shrine, and thoughtfully brought me back a present.
Look. It’s Plastic Jesus, in the scene from the Gospel of Mark, where Jesus selects a necktie for the Apostles’ New Year’s Eve party. I’ve decided blind faith is the only answer. From now on, instead of placing my trust in unprincipled, crooked politicians, I’ll stake my entire future on this little plastic, tie-selecting saviour.
Be honest now. Could a plastic Jesus-toy be any worse than the spineless glove-puppets we call a government? I guarantee you, my little Jesus will be just as effective at fighting our corner in Brussels. He’ll show the same imagination, the same resolve and he’ll be a lot cheaper.
I don’t care what anyone thinks. From now on, it’s me and my pocket-Jesus against the world.