Happy New Year

I don’t care if it rains or freezes, just as long as I got my plastic Jesus

As we face into another year of cutbacks, tax-hikes and unmitigated bullshit, I thought it might be a good time to wish you a happy new year, but then I decided the irony would be too much, so instead, I’ll wish you a relatively safe new year.

Who knows what it will bring?  After our recent experiences, I wouldn’t be surprised to see alien landings, plagues of frogs, radioactive volcanoes and evil cat-stroking geniuses taking over the planet.  They could hardly be worse than the boring, thieving ones who already took it over.

What are we going to do about the state of affairs?  On reflection, the answer is, probably nothing, because we’re Irish and we’ve had passivity bred into us for generations, so what we’ll do instead is sulk.  We’ll mutter at each other over a pint in a darkened pub and that will be that.

I managed a grim chuckle at yesterday’s headline: Banks could use massive losses to write off €4bn in tax.

Sweet, I thought.  They lost a load of money, we made up the difference, and now they’re stiffing us for the tax they don’t want to pay.

Who bends over yet again?  That’s right.  It’s you!

I think I’ll go back to Jesus.  It’s the only answer.  I received a sign the other day telling me it’s time to seek out the Lord.

My elder offspring happened to be in the vicinity of the Knock shrine, and thoughtfully brought me back a present.


Look.  It’s Plastic Jesus, in the scene from the Gospel of Mark, where Jesus selects a necktie for the Apostles’ New Year’s Eve party.  I’ve decided blind faith is the only answer.  From now on, instead of placing my trust in unprincipled, crooked politicians, I’ll stake my entire future on this little plastic, tie-selecting saviour.

Be honest now.  Could a plastic Jesus-toy be any worse than the spineless glove-puppets we call a government?  I guarantee you, my little Jesus will be just as effective at fighting our corner in Brussels.  He’ll show the same imagination, the same resolve and he’ll be a lot cheaper.

I don’t care what anyone thinks.  From now on, it’s me and my pocket-Jesus against the world.

8 thoughts on “Happy New Year

  1. Good point. I think I’ll make myself an inflatable jesus and fill it with farts. I’m quite confident that it can be used as a flotation device when Ireland eventually sinks into to Atlantic under the tax pressure and amount of bullshit produced by Dail Eireann.

  2. There’s a song to sing as you drive along!

    I don’t care if it rains or freezes
    ‘Long as I got my plastic Jesus
    Riding on the dashboard of my car
    Through my trials and tribulations
    And my travels through the nations
    With my plastic Jesus I’ll go far

    Plastic Jesus, plastic Jesus
    Riding on the dashboard of my car
    I’m afraid He’ll have to go
    His magnets ruin my radio
    And if I have a wreck He’ll leave a scar

    Riding down a thoroughfare
    With His nose up in the air
    A wreck may be ahead, but He don’t mind
    Trouble coming He don’t see
    He just keeps His eye on me
    And any other thing that lies behind

    Plastic Jesus, plastic Jesus
    Riding on the dashboard of my car
    Though the sunshine on His back
    Make Him peel, chip and crack
    A little patching keeps Him up to par

    When I’m in a traffic jam
    He don’t care if I say “damn”
    I can let all my curses roll
    Plastic Jesus doesn’t hear
    ‘Cause he has a plastic ear
    The man who invented plastic saved my soul

    Plastic Jesus, plastic Jesus
    Riding on the dashboard of my car
    Once His robe was snowy white
    Now it isn’t quite so bright
    Stained by the smoke of my cigar

    If I weave around at night
    And policemen think I’m tight
    They never find my bottle, though they ask
    Plastic Jesus shelters me
    For His head comes off, you see
    He’s hollow, and I use Him for a flask

    Plastic Jesus, plastic Jesus
    Riding on the dashboard of my car
    Ride with me and have a dram
    Of the blood of the Lamb
    Plastic Jesus is a holy bar

  3. Ian » I know it well. Why do you think I was given a plastic Jesus? Just can’t find a suitable version on Youtube. Paul Newman’s rendition has to many sad overtones.

  4. Some of these plastic artefacts may have RFID embedded and will automatically draw money from your bank account when walking past a church, monastery or brothel.

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