Human Characteristics

Men’s Colours And Women’s Colours

We were chatting happily  over a glorious pint or two in our pub of choice when my colleague happened to mention the subject of colour.

I’m half colour-blind, I confided.

Jesus, So am I, he blurted.  It’s a pain in the arse.

It certainly is, I agreed.  My colour-blindness has prevented me from becoming a fighter pilot or a doctor.

Really? he said.  What do fighter pilots and doctors have in common?

When they kill people, nobody blames them.

True, he agreed.  I wanted to be an interior designer and colour consultant, like the ones on the telly, but I was shite at colours.

Not great if you want to be a colour consultant, I offered.

No, he agreed, it’s like wanting to play for Manchester United but being shite at football.  That’s very unfair.

It is, I concurred.  We need equality laws to force Manchester United not to discriminate against people who are shite at football.

True, he said.  And the government needs to redefine colours so that people like us

with disabilities, I interjected.

with colour deficiency, can lead a normal life.

Good idea, I said.  What are your plans?

All colours in future are red, green, blue, yellow, white or black.  That’s enough for anyone.

The women won’t like it, I warned.

They won’t?

No.  For every colour a man knows, women have twenty different names, and most of them are about food.

Such as?

Cherry.  Salmon.  Aubergine.  Strawberry.  Lemon.  Chocolate.  Cream.  Mint.  Raspberry.  Carrot.  Olive.  Do you want me to go on?

Stop, he shouted.  It’s driving me crazy.  Let me ask you this.  What the fuck is turquoise?

I don’t know.


No idea.

Look, he said. If men decided to use food colours, what would happen?


You’d come in here with a load of shopping bags, and you’d say, Look at these divine work-boots I got.  Steel toe-cap, nail-proof sole, and they’re in a lovely shade of Guinness black.

Now that you mention it, I said, did you see my new jacket?  It’s porridge-coloured.

Lovely, he said.  I got a really nice pair of fried-steak jeans and a lovely smoked bacon t-shirt.  But to get back to my point, what’s Teal?

Beats me.

They will beat you if you try to mess with their colours, I warned him.  Why don’t we just stick with being idiot colour-blind men?

Why not? he conceded after a minute’s thought.  By the way, I love your waistcoat.

Really?  I was thrilled.  It’s a very rare shade of haddock.




6 replies on “Men’s Colours And Women’s Colours”

This is toatly hilarious.. and also complete bullshit.
Me or any women I know never refer to colours with food.
Well come to think of it I did say milky for my skin colour yesterday..
ok. maybe. sometimes.
Eggplant though.. spring! Clover! Fern! Don’t think so.

We’re not that different really.
Alright, so we’re a bit more intelligent, can multi-tasky, are all round better more empathetic human beings, smell better too, but ye have yer uses.

No. But I definitely say Eggplant.

When I’m bloody cooking a dish with it! :)

(did I click something inadvertently.. All the comments look milky white! or is it just me? :)

As I’m worn out from reminding people, things will be looking a bit strange from time to time as we experiment with different options.

Anyway, I only mentioned aubergine because that’s what an eggplant is.

K. It’s not me.

“Anyway, I only mentioned aubergine because that’s what an eggplant is.”
I’m aware of this.
That’s why I replied with ‘I say eggplant’ when you mentioned aubergine.

Tis teal and big now! Or maybe grape. :)

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