We were chugging along in the old Bockmobile when I casually mentioned the sad loss of Whitney Houston.
What a great singer, I said to Bullet, apart from that plastic pop shite. I’m talking about a proper soul singer here, and what would you expect? Whitney was bred to it. Dionne Warwick? Aretha Franklin? Jesus!
Ramsey did it, Bullet muttered.
Not like the other awful clones. Mariah Carey and a million X-Factor wannabees.
Just the latest of Ramsey’s victims.
And another thing, I went on, Sorry. What did you say?
Aaron Ramsey. The Arsenal midfielder. Didn’t you know about his killing spree?
Excuse me? What are you talking about?
Ramsey scores against Manchester United. Next day, Osama bin Laden is killed. Ramsey scores against Spurs. Next day, Steve Jobs dies. Ramsey scores against Marseille. Next day, Gadaffy gets whacked.
And? Your point is?
My point is, what happened in the last Arsenal game?
No idea. You know I don’t follow soccer.
Ramsey scored against Sunderland, and the very next day, what happened?
You mean —
Precisely, said Bullet, folding his arms in the smug you’re-a-ridiculous-old-idiot way that young fellas have just before you punch them in the face.
This is very sinister.
What a strange killer Aaron Ramsey is. You can see why he might want to take out bin Laden with soccer voodoo, and I suppose he might have been working for Nato when netted the fatal ball that did for Gadaffy, but why would anyone want to kill Steve Jobs — oh, wait.
Something’s not right here. Bin Laden, yes. Gadaffy, yes. Jobs, yes. All candidates for some sort of contract. But Whitney Houston was just a tragic and gifted singer that everyone loved, so what exactly has happened?
I have a theory. I think Aaron Ramsey Mk I was just the first in a series of voodoo-football-terminators sent back from the future, and I think it was probably a Mk II unit that killed Whitney Houston. That killing was a tragic mistake. It was probably after Mariah Carey, Beyoncé and Céline Dion.
So, who’s next? All I’ll tell you is this: we might be in more danger than we realise, but I think not. I think there was no plan to take out Whitney, but maybe Bono, Sarkozy and Simon Cowell should start following the football results.