We’re delighted to welcome back Johnny Bottleneck. As you might know, the Rock God was deprived of communications for a number of months after an unfortunate and embarrassing misunderstanding which upset the authorities of a small and deeply traditional Asian country.
As well as being a God of Rock and a lad that the lads want to be and the lasses want to be with, I’ve also inspired quite a few songs, now considered to be classics. This is a little known fact but it is, nevertheless, a fact. Let me just elaborate and explain how I spawned one of the most iconic opening lines of one of the most popular songs of the sixties. It’s a song that is abused at just about every unnecessary piss-up, you’ve ever had the misfortune to be present at. I bloody hate the daft bugger of a song, but let me just explain how it came to be that I inspired it.
I’ll start by making one thing clear; I bloody hate private functions. Weddings, funerals, corporate monkey dinners and the like, make me want to spontaneously combust. It was, however, at one such event that I became the inspiration for the aforementioned opening line.
I were invited to play at a private function, held by MI6. Now, I would’ve very impolitely declined under normal circumstances but, since I were under investigation for supplying Castro with the odd shipment of Charlie, I thought it would do me freedom no harm to attend. So it was that me own band, The Bastards of Pussy Death, were put on the same bill as an up and coming young band.
I needed to get meself sorted before the gig, so I nipped into the bog to powder me beak. When I opened the door, I heard some goings on in one of the stalls. Turns out it’s four bloody blokes having it away with each other in the bog! It were the bloody sixties and this sort of thing were unheard of, particularly by some of her bloody majesty’s top bloody spies. ‘Well bugger me’, I exclaimed. ‘Come on in,’ came the reply. Not on your bloody nelly. I quickly informed them that I were made for pleasing lasses and being a God of Rock. So I quickly snorted a bloody great line and fucked off.
As it were an hour before kick off, I thought I’d give this young band the pleasure of me company and offer some of my experience to these lads and lasses. As I were about to sit down, another one of her fucking majesty’s finest said, ‘can I push in your stool, sir?’ Well, I bloody chinned him but proper, I did. ‘I’m in to the lasses’, I said as he scurried around looking for his fucking teeth.
These young lads, were right pleased to see me when I joined them. They told me they had a sure fire hit on their hands but were struggling for lyrics. Lyrics were never my bag so I wasn’t much help to them – or so I thought. Nice lads and lasses, they was, but a bit young for the name. Mamas and Papas. Must say, though, I fancied the knickers off the fat bird.
Well, when I were called to do the bloody soundcheck, the stage manager told me that I weren’t to use the amps with the white leads attached, I were to use only the ones with the brown leads plugged into them. Well, I got on stage and the place were so bloody full of dust that you couldn’t tell the colour of the fuckin leads. The young band were waiting to do their sound check and the bloody sound man is shouting at me, ‘Can we get started?’ Needless to say, if the fucker were beside me, he would’ve got a right chinning. ‘Which amp am I plugging into, you daft bugger?’, I shouted back.
‘Just don’t use the white leads’, he bloody shouted back. ‘If you can’t figure that out, I don’t know how you manage to get up in the morning’
Well, this fucker had a chinning coming to him. At this point another one of her fucking majesty’s secret bloody agents came up to me and said, ‘can I help you, luv?’
‘No, you bloody well can’t!’ I replied, giving him a solid chinning with each syllable. ‘Fuck this stage, fuck that soundman and fuck this party. I’m outta here!’
‘What’s your fucking problem?’ the soundman screamed.
‘All the leads are brown,” I told him, “and the spies are gay!”
And that was how I come to inspire yet another mega hit, even if it were fookin shite.
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