Stupid Jokes

I love stupid jokes. I just love them and yes, I am a child.  What do you want to do about it?  I’m childish, I’m silly and I love silly jokes.  I tell these jokes even when I know everyone has heard them already and then I fall down slapping my thigh and crying.  I am a child but there you go.  Sorry.

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A man walks into his doctor’s surgery with a strawberry growing out of his head.

The doctor says, I’ll give you some cream for that.

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A man walks into his doctor’s surgery with a carrot stuck in his ear and a parsnip up his nose.

The doctor says, You’re not eating properly.

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A man goes to his doctor and says, Sometimes, I think I’m a wigwam and sometimes I think I’m a marquee.

The doctor says, You’re two tents.

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A warhorse walks into a bar.

The bartender says Why the long film?

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I know.  I know.  I’m a child but what the hell.  We all love this shit, so let’s find out what your favourite is.  Silly jokes anyone?

 

 

50 thoughts on “Stupid Jokes

  1. Gotta luv the stoopid jokes .

    2 ducks flyin’ over Belfast…..

    One say’s Quack !

    Other one say’s, ‘Wha…shur am’nt I goin’ as Quack as I can’ !

    or

    An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. Barman say’s ..Is this some kinda joke !

  2. murphy told his buddy that his wife was driving him to drink,,,his buddy said he was lucky, his wife made him walk,,,

  3. paddy was walking through a graveyard,,when he spotted a headstone with the inscription “here lies a policitian and an honest man” paddy thought to himself, I wonder how they got two of them in a single grave ???

  4. My wife said that she’s going to leave me because of my poker addiction.

    I reckon she’s just bluffing.

  5. Late one night the ‘phone rings. The man listens and replies, “How the feck should I know”? “Ring Met Eireann”. “Who was that”? Says his Wife. “Ah just some eejit askin’ if the coast is clear”.

  6. The stoopider the better !

    Friday lunchtime…,’ Whoever answers the next question gets the afternoon off ‘.
    Johnny pulls two black pool balls out of his bag and rolls ’em up the centre of the class……’Right ‘say’s the teacher ‘ who’s the comedian with the two black ball’s ‘ ?

    ‘Sammy Davis Junior ‘ miss !…see ya monday ‘

  7. Murphy, to Mooney, in the Pub.I heard your wife is ill.Yeah, says Mooney, she has sinus problems, that are causing me trouble, with the bank….how come says Murphy..aah Jaysus, says Mooney, shes always at me, Sinus a Cheque for this, Sinus a cheque for that

  8. A group of blondes were willing to prove that not all blondes were dumb. They established a judges panel of people to ask the questions.

    On the day of the judging the people started off by asking, “What is 59 + 2?”
    The first blonde contestant responded by saying, “57?”

    The rest of the blondes said, “Give her another chance, give her another chance!”

    Then they asked, “What is 15 – 5?”
    The blonde responded, “20, right?”

    Once again the rest of the contestants screamed, “Give her another chance, give her another chance!”

    The judges decided to go easier on her and asked, “What is 1 + 2?”
    “3?” said the blonde.

    The rest of the blondes said, “Give her another chance, give her another chance

  9. John Travolta and Nicholas Cage walk into a bar. The Bartnder says ‘ Why the wrong face?’

  10. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

    and

    If a bricklayer can lay bricks, why can’t a plumber lay plums?

  11. Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?

    He was too far out, man!

    What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi

    I have sexdaily. Sorry, I meant dyslexia

    Had my son baptised today. The priest was dressed in a gorilla costume.

    Turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

  12. An apostrophe is the difference between a business that knows its shit and a business that knows it’s shit

  13. Ho would you know when there is an elephant inside a shop?

    His bicycle would be outside.

    How would you know if there were two elephants inside the shop?

    The bar would be bent!

  14. The dyslexic society organised a protest meeting outside the Dáil

    No one showed up ……………………………… Thay all went to Aldi.

  15. I just read an article on the dangers of drinking….
    Scared the shit out of me.
    So that’s it!
    After today, no more reading.

    The Pope was saying mass in Ballyfermot when he asked for people with “special needs” to come forward to be prayed for.
    Anto stepped forward and said, “Holy Father can you help me with my hearing?”
    The Pope replied, “Certainly my son” and placed his hands over Anto’s ears as everybody prayed.
    “Has that helped?” asked the Pope.
    “I dunno” replied Anto. “My hearing isn’t till next Tuesday!”

  16. What time does Pete Sampras go to bed at?
    Bout Tennish,

    The above been a favorite, This ones a bit smuttier do

    Whats the difference between jam and marmalade?
    You can’t marmalade your cock up someones arse.

  17. A woman takes her poodle to the vet and says ” Doctor i think Fido died in his sleep last night, can you check him out?
    “No problem” says the vet. He brings out a Siamese cat and a Labrador who both sniff at the dog and wander off.
    “Sadly you’re right” says the vet to the woman as he offers his sympathy and presents his bill.
    “One thousand, two hundred and twenty five euro ! That can’t be right” says the woman.” I thought an office visit was just twenty five.”
    “It is” says the vet,” but this includes a thousand for the catscan and two hundred for the lab work.”

  18. Bloke decides to opt for a todger enlargement, pick’s one that looks like a baby elephant’s trunk. During the course of a dinner date later that evening the new appendage suddenly shoots out, grab’s an apple off the table and disappears back into his pant’s.
    “Wow”, sez the chick’ ” can u do that again ! ”
    “Luv to ” sez he ” but I don’t think me arse could take another apple ! ”

    (To save on confusion that’s a different ‘B’ @post 24 . Would the real ‘B’ please stand up, eh! )

  19. This one depends on regional/rural pronunciation.

    What do you call a sheep that goes up and down, up and down?

    A ewe ewe

    *** *** ***

    Ian Paisley, the Ayotallah Khomeni and and Martin McGuinness were on a rowing boat together in the middle of Lough Neagh – but I’m going to be vague to avoid being called sectarian. Somebody thumped the Koran; somebody thumped a Bible and somebody thumped the other two into the water saying they could choose between meeting 72 virgins or St. Peter at the pearly gates wearing a papal tiara; or something like that.

  20. Doctor to the patient – I’ve good and bad news
    Patient – Gimme the bad news first.
    Doctor – You have 3 minutes to live.
    Patient – 3 FUCKEN MINUTES TO LIVE!! WHAT’S THE GOOD NEWS?
    Doctor – I could boil you an egg.

  21. 2 goldfish in a tank ,one says to the other
    , “you know how to drive this thing?”

  22. Teacher: ‘Johnny, your essay entitled “My Dog” is identical to your twin brother’s essay. Explain yourself!’
    Johhny: ‘Same Dog’.

  23. Mooney, is passing Murphy,s house one morning, knocks on the door, and Murphys beautiful wife, says, that he is at work, but would he like a cup of tea.Mooney is sipping the tea, he offers her 500 euro, for a quickie.Eh..reluctantly, she agrees, the job is done, he gives her the 500, and leaves.Murphy comes, that evening, after a hard days work, and says to his wife..eh Darling, was Mooney here today.Eh..why do you ask Darling.Well, says he, he told me, he would drop in the 500 Euro, he owes me.

  24. Two cannibals, father and son, walk down the beach of their island to discover a beautiful blond girl had been shipwrecked and washed ashore. The both run to her and help her to get some fresh water. The son turns to the father and says:

    ‘Dad, Dad, can we eat her??????’

    The father says:

    ‘No Son, We will take her home and eat your mother!’

  25. Doctor,Doctor!! I feel like a pair of curtains,
    Sit down and pull yourself together man.
    or
    Doctor,Doctor! I feel like a spoon!
    Sit there and don’t stir!
    or
    Have you heard the new “Knock Knock” joke??
    You say “Knock Knock” ????

  26. To bald guy;
    “Have someone draw rabbits on your head”.
    Asks;
    “Why?”
    Answers;
    “From a distance they’ll look like hares”.

  27. René Descartes walks into a bar.
    Barman looks up and asks: “The usual, sir?”
    Descartes replies: “I think not,” and disappears.

  28. The Archbishop of Canterbury claims that all homosexuals are just confused about a strong friendship they have.

    He then shut his eyes and stopped the interview, so he could talk to his bearded friend sitting on a cloud in the sky.

  29. What do you call a man with 500 rabbits up his bum?

    Warren

    What do you call a man with no arms or legs floating in the sea?

    Bob

    What do you call a man with a one inch penis?

    Justin

  30. Two wild geese Irishmen were walking in the French countryside a few centuries ago. They saw René Descartes the philosopher trying to help a peasant by tugging the nag’s mane while the peasant pushed its backside. “Why won’t the horse move, Paddy?” asked one of the strollers. “Because he’s put Descartes before the horse,” was the prompt reply.

  31. What’s brown and runny?
    Usain Bolt

    Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?
    He lay awake all night wondering if there really was a dog

  32. Doctor: I’m afraid, Mr McGeehan, theat I have some good news and some bad news.
    McGeehan: Give me the bad news.
    Doctor: You’ve got cancer and have only four weeks to live.
    McGeehan: Jaysus God! What’s the good news?
    Doctor: You’ve also got Alzheimer’s, so off you go home and forget all about it.

  33. My computer told me I had to set a new password and that it had to have at least eight characters. I chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

  34. What’s a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?
    A black coat, white collar and you’ve got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

  35. An English priest, an Irish priest and a Scots scientific atheist were standing looking at a prize cow in a field. The pious Englishman says “Look at that fine English cow.” The pious Irishman disagreed, saying “No, it’s an Irish cow.” The freethinking Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. “No, it’s a Scottish cow – it’s got bagpipes underneath.” The moral: they should introduce sex education into seminaries.

  36. Son bull to father bull; Hey dad , lets run down to the bottom of the field and fuck one of those cows. Father bull; No son, lets walk down and fuck the lot of them.

  37. A gorrilla, went into a pub, produced 20 Euro, and asked the barman, for a pint of Guiness.The barman, took the twenty Euro, ran down to the manager, told him, what had happened, and asked for instructions.The manager, said..give him the pint, while I phone the Zoo.What about the money he gave me, asked the barman.Oh..give him 50 cents change, he wont know the difference.
    The barman, served, the gorilla, his pint, and gave him 50 cents.Trying to placate him, he said..we dont get many gorilla,s in here.I,m not surprised, said The Gorilla, at 19.50 a pint.

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