Things Parents Say

Ridiculous, meaningless things people say to their kids.

Today, while I was at a checkout purchasing my meagre provisions, I noticed a harassed-looking father with a young child.  The kid was blubbering and moaning about some shit in a very irritating way.  I felt my strangling-hand twitch in the old worrying way that I thought was far in my past.

That’s it, he told the little boy.  I’ll never take you shopping again.

The kid looked back him like it’s Christmas.  No shit? his expression  said.  Promise?

I remember thinking way back when I was a little lad,  In what sense is this a threat?  I didn’t ask to be here in the first place.  I hate shopping.

I thought people stopped saying this kind of thing years ago but no — here it comes, straight out of the old days like a genetically hard-wired grunt.  Is that it?  Is it in our DNA?  Did cavemen say the same thing to their kids?  That’s the last time I’ll bring you hunting and gathering.

The other one that really got me as a kid was I won’t tell you again.

Jesus Christ, there’s a no-brainer for kids.  You won’t tell me again?  Excellent!  Result!

People are still saying the same things to their kids after all these years.  Isn’t it amazing?  I wonder if they’re still doing the guilt-laden mindfuck?

I’m surprised at you.  Very, very surprised.  Oh God, just kill me now.  Or even worse, when you’re being an insolent teenaged bad-mannered asshole: Thank you.  Thank you very much.

Sometimes, when I was very small and being dragged along by the hand to go shopping, two mothers might meet.  The other mother might be holding an identical Cartman spitting venom back at me, and then the mothers would launch into a high-speed exchange of meaningless commonplaces.  Imagine if they actually said what they meant instead of swapping empty platitudes.

Tis very close.

Tis.  You wouldn’t know what to put on you.

No.  Very dangerous weather.

Oh, very dangerous.  You’d catch your death of cold.

No you wouldn’t.  That’s fuckin stupid.  Is that your little fellla now?

Tis.  Did you think he fell out of the fuckin clouds and I just happened to catch the little bastard?

He’s the head off you. 

Do you think so?  Your little fucker looks like the milkman.  Look at the red eyes on him and the purple nose.

I’m killed from all the cleaning.

Jesus, so am I.  Where does all the dust come from?

How the fuck would I know?  Most of the time, I’m out of my face on cheap sherry.  Why do you think I talk this kind of shit the whole time?

Isn’t there a great stretch in the evening?

Oh shut up.

We won’t feel it now till Christmas when we can all get sozzled in public.

True.  I must order my drugs in plenty of time.  Last year was a bollocks.  Not a spliff in the house.

Jesus Christ.   Even now I’m traumatised.  I recently had to sit in on a conversation where people exchanged complete drivel for a full two hours, and all I could think about was Why?  Do they not realise they’re talking utter shite or is this what passes for conversation in their lives?

Is it any wonder that people threaten their children with stupid shit that they don’t mean?  I’ll never take you shopping again.

Why don’t they make empty threats with a bit of a terror factor?  If you don’t stop crying, I’ll cut your feet off.

I know they still wouldn’t mean it (or most of them anyway) but at least it might scare the little bastard into shutting up and save the rest of us a few minutes of his whingeing while we get on with our shopping.








10 thoughts on “Things Parents Say

  1. I’ll give you a reason to cry

    I’ll put that smile on the otherside of your face

    I’ll soften your cough

    I’ll kick you from falling

    Now are you happy? (usually after getting a clip around the ear)

    Don’t draw me out

  2. Bock, you obviously come from a privleged background. One didn’t feel loved if one wasn’t threatened.

  3. It’s like Nigel Owens and the refereeing’ ‘This is the last warning I’m giving you’, until the next last warning, that is.

  4. We’ll see, Which usually meant no you can’t.

    Suffers very badly from her nerves. Covered a multitude of ailments.

    Ask your Mother / Father. Side stepping the matter.

  5. The threat of having me ear’s boxed always brought a smile to my face strangely enough !

    ( think Barry Mcquigan in full boxing regalia using me ears like a speed-ball ! )

    or ‘Don’t make me come over there’ !…….I’m not so don’t !

  6. ah my favorite..never could get my head around it but it was my dads standard answer……Because I said so…..

  7. You have let your school down. You have let your parents down. You have let your family down. But most of all, you have let yourself down!

  8. Ah will you ever rise outta me..
    Go out and play with the traffic for a half hour..
    Wait till your father gets home from the pub..
    That’s a mortal sin that.. eat all your dinner, there’s starvin’ kids in Africa.
    Brazen as brass..
    Much wants more with ye..
    There’s no feeding ye..
    Ye’re eating me outta house and home..
    Oh please Saint Anthony where’s my keys.

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