It’s such a brilliantly simple idea: things John Waters might tweet if he wasn’t so blinded by his hatred of all things internet. It was started last night by a guy called Donal O’Keeffe as a bit of a joke at the expense of the West’s Greatest Living Intellectual, but it grew legs as more and more people jumped on the bandwagon.
Here’s a few examples, and of course, naturally I couldn’t resist having a go myself.
- Twitter’s democratisation of opinion is unhealthy and undermines rightful respect for a man with a column in the paper.
- The professionally-aggrieved howling “misogyny” misconstrue willfully an examination of pre-misandrist societal norms.
- Man daily sacrifices the mark of manhood on the altar of female-centricity, literally putting a razor to their own throats
- Whereas a father’s love is in many ways more akin to God’s own love. Unsentimental but unwavering, calm and eternal.
- As meaning morphs into unmeaning we find ourselves propelled ineluctably towards the inevitable intermeaning thesis.
- What begins as mere disorder soon transmutes into a shared sense of is-ness, bounded only by Mayo-ness and certain doom.
- As emergent tropes become distorted via mechanised vectorality, the viewer remains bereft of a reified transrealim.
- There is a place, between pew and public square, which has yet to be heard or even acknowledged
- Trolling at the crossroads. Moohahaha!
- The plethora of #xfactor tweets conclusively establish the veracity of my thoughts on Twitter.
- What is crucial here and ignored is that we need to have a discussion, not involving the media hegemony, about the issue
- If left unchecked, the nourishing milk of motherhood can become a melanoma that devours a boy’s maleness from within.
- As Kierkegaard foresaw, Heidegger would unconceal concealment, unexplaining explanation and unthinking our very thoughts.
- The Rose of Tralee objectifies escorts
- It is a tragedy that man who once caught his food and provided it to his woman, is now emasculated by the “M&S Ready Meal”
- What makes a man? Our fathers understood it, that sacred bond, the unspoken, masculine respect which makes a man a man.
- I curse the day I went to Hot Press instead of becoming a creamery manager.
- Say what you like about Charlie Haughey, we were better as a village, as a community, when we revered our Fat Chieftan.
Oddly enough, the internet, while poking gentle fun at Waters, can’t make him as bumptious as he himself manages to do. Here he is setting up straw men in the Irish Times, attempting (and failing) to parody Twitter:
Personally, I would prefer if, instead of pursuing individual tweeters, the police arrested Jack Dorsey, the creator of Twitter, and closed his network down. Actually, i wish they wud burn the Twitter founder in oil & leave his carcass out for the buzzards. Seriously
Ironically, though he doesn’t seem to realise it, John Waters said that on the internet, thereby becoming one of the idiots he so detests. It reminds me of the old folks complaining about long-haired weirdos, without ever having actually spoken to a long-haired weirdo. But maybe that’s not an example I should have chosen. Sorry if I was insensitive, John. Your hair is lovely. So is your beard.
Lovely, lovely hair, so lovely in the shimmering Mayo moonlight, and you with a nice girl on the bar of your bike after the dance.
Now here’s a thought. If Twitter transmutes into John Waters, is it designed to carry the weight of that much self-importance or will it collapse under all the pomposity?
And if, as seems to be happening, John Waters is becoming Twitter, will he be able to work within the discipline of 140 characters?