The iPad Mini is just right, according to Tim Cook, who took over from Steve Jobs as Chief Visionary at Apple. The Force is strong with this one, but perhaps the reality distortion field is less intense. Who knows? Anyway, Tim believes in the Goldilocks Principle and that’s why he wants us all to buy the iPad Mini, because the iPad is TOO BIG, and the iPhone is TOO SMALL, but the iPad Mini is, you got it, JUST RIGHT!!
It’s the Goldilocks Tablet and it came to you from Apple.
Steve Jobs wouldn’t be happy about this, but Tim Cook is made of stern stuff. He’s at the helm now and he doesn’t give a cordless rat’s ass what Steve might have thought about such matters, even though Mr Phone Phreak himself announced before he died (which is always a better option than trying to announce after you die) that he didn’t want the tablets getting any smaller, and that was for a very simple reason. You don’t need to be a visionary to hold out your hand in front of your face and take a look at those five fat fingers. Miniaturise all you like, but those five sausages know what they feel comfortable with, and if they happen to be the same digits signing the cheque, you’d better fit in with what they think.
Now, you know what I think, already, don’t you? Before I open my mouth, you know exactly what I think, but let’s confirm it, just for the record. I think all this iPad, iPhone, tablet stuff is bullshit. I think tiny smart phones are also bullshit. In my opinion, they haven’t cracked it yet but the manufacturers like Apple, Samsung and Google have somehow managed to scam the whole world into believing that smartphones are well-designed portals into the new digital reality.
No, they are not. Humans are a certain size. They have certain limitations on their eyesight. And they only have so much money.
Smartphones fail on all three tests. They’re too small for your fingers. You can’t see them. And they’re far too expensive to account for the slave labour that went into building them.
Smartphones, in other words, are bullshit, and exploitative bullshit at that. The sort of bullshit that keeps children in the Far East staring at a workbench so that children in the west can spend hours staring at Angry Birds.
This sort of bullshit drives me mad, but of all the bullshit in the world, Apple’s bullshit drives me maddest of all. They recently announced their new MacBook Air and everyone went crazy for it, even though it was riddled with problems. Yes, it’s as sleek and sexy as all-get-out. Yes, it’s clean, it’s light and it works as slick as shit off a hot shovel. Yes, it glides like Merlin’s quill and it weighs less than the wish of a dream of a cloud, but stop.
What happens if you break the screen? Simple: you have to buy a whole new cover.
And what if you want to upgrade the memory, as you would in a normal laptop? Sorry — you can’t. It’s bonded to the motherboard.
How about when the power source dies, as all Lithium Ion batteries do? Tough luck. That’s bonded to the machine as well and you have to send the whole thing back to the factory.
Three good reasons not to buy Apple, or six if you take into account the fact that you pay twice the price.
You know what? I’ll put up with having a slightly heavier device for the comfort of being able to fix it myself. Only yesterday, I decided that my laptop’s 4 GB memory isn’t up to editing video, my new hobby, so I sent away for 8 GB to upgrade the machine, and it cost me something like €30. It will arrive in the post tomorrow, with any luck. What would that cost me if I had an Apple? Nothing, that’s what, since I can’t do it at all. I’m stuck with what I bought, at twice the price of everything else, but with no option to upgrade anything if I need to do so.
It’s true that everything Apple makes is top quality, and it’s also true that the components are of the finest standard, but I think for now, I’ll just put up with something slightly less impressive, because I have slightly more control, for slightly smaller money. And I don’t have to listen to Apple gurus telling me what to think.
I don’t own an iAnything, but I’m getting by reasonably well without them.