Gallia est omnis divisa in partes tres, quarum unam incolunt Belgae, aliam Aquitani, tertiam qui ipsorum lingua Celtae, nostra Galli appellantur. Hi omnes lingua, institutis, legibus inter se differunt. Gallos ab Aquitanis Garumna flumen, a Belgis Matrona et Sequana dividit. Horum omnium fortissimi sunt Belgae, propterea quod a cultu atque humanitate provinciae longissime absunt, minimeque ad eos mercatores saepe commeant atque ea quae ad effeminandos animos pertinent important, proximique sunt Germanis, qui trans Rhenum incolunt, quibuscum continenter bellum gerunt. Qua de causa Helvetii quoque reliquos Gallos virtute praecedunt, quod fere cotidianis proeliis cum Germanis contendunt, cum aut suis finibus eos prohibent aut ipsi in eorum finibus bellum gerunt. Eorum una, pars, quam Gallos obtinere dictum est, initium capit a flumine Rhodano, continetur Garumna flumine, Oceano, finibus Belgarum, attingit etiam ab Sequanis et Helvetiis flumen Rhenum, vergit ad septentriones. Belgae ab extremis Galliae finibus oriuntur, pertinent ad inferiorem partem fluminis Rheni, spectant in septentrionem et orientem solem. Aquitania a Garumna flumine ad Pyrenaeos montes et eam partem Oceani quae est ad Hispaniam pertinet; spectat inter occasum solis et septentriones.
In fairness to old Caesar, he might have had his faults and they might have been many, but he could certainly write. He knew his Belgae from his Aquitani and his Vercingetorix from his Obelix. He didn’t give a rat’s arse about the Helvetii up there on their mountain counting their money, but he kept a close eye on those Germanii, as well he might, considering the fact that the Visigoths duly went on to sack Rome and bring the western empire crashing down only 500 years later — an eyeblink in the life of an empire. Caesar was always a man for the long game, even if it didn’t work out all that well for him personally. He knew what sort of mischief those Germanii could get up to and he was right.
I was listening to Legatus Germaniae this morning on TodayPK as he lectured us on our wayward and spendthrift ways. You have the domestic problem, created here in Ireland and you must solve it here in Ireland, or words to that effect, give or take the occasional Dr Strangelove tic.
Not entirely correct, Legate, if I may say so. You have a lack of prudent lending to people who will repay the loan, and that happened in Germania under the watch of the Divine Empress Angela. If we must police our delinquent argentariae and take the consequences when we fail, then so must you, but it seems that Europa est omnis divisa in partes tres. And partes tres consist of Germania / Gallia calling the shots in the Eurozone to protect their own argentariae, Britannia standing aloof and ready to fight off the next wave of invading barbarians, and finally a rag-tag bunch of mendicants — the Hiberniae, the Iberiae, the once-proud cives Romanum reduced in circumstances and of course, let’s not forget those swarthy denizens of Achaia.
What’s to become of it all? Will Legatus Germaniae climb aboard his prancing charger and become Proconsul Germaniae in Hiberniae?
To hear him talking on the radio this morning, anyone would think that Dr. Eckhard Lübkemeier was already being fitted for his helmet and breastplate as he explained to us how Germany had rescued us by giving us a loan. What Proconsul-elect Lübkemeier neglected to mention was that every penny was handed over to Anglo-Irish Bank, Irish Nationwide, AIB and BoI and then all handed back to the German banks it was designed to rescue in the first place, with the Irish citizens picking up the cost.
Cives Hiberniae must have been shaking their heads as they blew on their thin gruel and contemplated another day of austerity offered up to the household gods of European banking stability while the Herr Doktor clicked his heels and summoned his Praetorian Guard.
Have my chariot prepared. I am going to survey my territory.
Me? I’m off to the vomitorium.