I see Limerick is getting a new bishop, which is not a simple matter, let me tell you. Not an easy thing at all. Did you know that bishops aren’t simply appointed or elected?
Did you know that? They’re installed, and you know what that means. Tech support. IT guys. Pizza. Slayer t-shirts. Reboots.
The nightmare begins when the delivery truck pulls up outside the bishop’s palace and two cartoon grunts jump out, the guys from the Money for Nothin video.
Ok. Let’s see. We got a fridge-freezer, a 42-inch TV and a bishop. Who’s gonna sign for these?
Right. Put the freezer in the kitchen. Leave the TV there in the hall and put the bishop under the stairs for now. Lie it down there beside the folding gazebo. Mind the beer. When is the technician coming to install it?
I dunno. I’m just the delivery guy. Are you gonna sign for this stuff? Thanks.
Oh, it’s like everything else. You want to open up your new unit and see what it does, but if you mess with the installation, you might invalidate the warranty, so you just strip off the packaging and examine your new bishop under the stairs. There’s a bundle of DVDs in a box, even though you know the software is pre-installed and in the event of a malfunction, the whole unit will be removed. Why did they send you these disks at all?
You flick through them. There’s Misogynistic Bigot 3.1, and Mental Reservation 5, Professional. There’s Obfuscation Manager and the standard clerical games package: Celibate: Tissue of Lies!
But of course, you can’t just wait until the tech guys turn up tomorrow, can you? No. You have to poke at your new Bishop until eventually you find the On switch and the unit lurches to its feet randomly cycling through the Altarboy subroutine and Conditional Apology 7.
The last you see of your new Bishop unit, a special police unit is tasering it in the street while it repeats over and over If anything I said or did offended anyone I humbly apologise.