Kerry Drink-Driving Certificates

 Posted by on January 22, 2013  Add comments
Jan 222013

You’ll have a drink there, Denzel, I said to the pilot as we took off for Kerry airport.

No thanks, he said.  I have to drive when we get down.

Ah wouldn’t you have the one anyway, I said, waving my phone at him.  Look.  Here’s Danny Healy-Rae’s number if you have any bother from the guards.

Fair enough, he agreed.  These 737s fly themselves anyway.  I’ll just set it on auto-landing.

So I sloshed a good stiff shot of Black Bush into a coffee mug and handed it to him.  Plenty more where that came from, I winked, and he grinned back at me.

My man!, he chuckled.

God, he’s a terror for the snuff, that lad, but he was great crack as we hurtled through the sky at six hundred miles an hour.  And he knows how to put a hole in a bottle of Bush, I can tell you that.  He’s a fair man to put it away.

Are you sure we won’t get into trouble for this? he laughed, as we lay on the cockpit floor trying to remember the words of All My Exes Live in Texas, when the plane gave a lurch to the right and all the passengers screamed.

Excuse me one moment, said Captain Denzel before jumping into his seat and flipping the aircraft upside down.

Old Navajo trick, he laughed as the aircraft steadied and we began our descent to Farranfore.  Go out there and tell ’em it’s gonna be ok, he told me, so I did.  I opened the cockpit door and shouted at the passengers.  It’s ok.  Your captain has a special perm fm Danny Healy-Rae to ply the flane compeely fuggen langered.  Anyway jus relax an enjoy the ffflight, we’ll be on the ground in a minute thankyouverymuch now shut up an go back to sleep.

There was a small bit of a bump, I suppose I’d have to agree, as the plane hit the runway, but nothing a day in the panel beaters wouldn’t fix, although I’m tellin you now, those lads know how to charge, by Jesus they sure do.  The passengers were screaming again but that’s nothing new.

Ignore ’em, Denzel, I said, draining the last of the Black Bush into his mug.

As we stood on the steps looking out, we could see a line of identically-dressed men on the tarmac, wearing checquered caps.

Jackie Healy cap


We’re screwed, said Denzel.  It’s the cops.

Tis nothing of the sort, I assured him.  That’s the elite comb-over battalion of the 2nd Healy-Rae Kerry mounted gendarmerie.  They’re here to escort you to your car.

A slight tear came to the pilot’s eye as we clasped hands.  Comrades in danger.

I love your great country, he said.  And then he was gone.

  25 Responses to “Kerry Drink-Driving Certificates”

Comments (25)

    but if people cant drive to the pub, have a few drinks, play a game of cards and drive home, whats the point.

    otherwise they are just at home relaxing all the time or paying a taxi driver

    im sure this guy would even buy a mini bus to drive his customers home as long as he was able to hand over the vouchers

    oh wait, maybe he could buy the bus, not drink and collect his customers or they could get a fucking taxi or a lift from one of their neighbours


    Drink Driving Kerry Style..

    Can you imagine at closing time of the pubs in his village that 100 people are released into the street from the pubs, semi-drunk & getting into their cars..
    It would be like a mad version of Bumper Cars in the street..
    It would be no different that have a few pints & jumping into a bumper car at the local carnival…
    Could you imagine the carnage…
    But saying all that, doesn’t a member of the Dial “Mr Ming Flanagan” want to introduce the legalisation of Cannibis..
    Me thinks there is no difference between him & Mr Rae


    This is a very well thought out plan, obviously no ” town dweller ” will have the capacity to see it’s brilliance.
    There surely is a plan afoot to create an ” Amnesty Hour “….or so, for all the drunk and semi drunk drivers to make their way up boreens and hills, monitored with the eagle eyed Publicans / Councillors at the helm of a Mothership, any sober citizen who ventures out during amnesty hour and falls foul of said amnesty permit holders will be castigated from the pulpit and fined accordingly, any wandering Kerry sheep who meet an untimely end will be swiftly replaced by EU subsidies at 10 times their value. This is truly inspired.


    Never heard Ming encouraging “drink smoking”


    Permits for drunk drivers wouldn’t be legal under current legislation. Publically horsewhipping public representatives who suggest such drivel would not be legal either, although it might be less harmful than drunk driving….It would be a good source of entertainment for those who are feeling a bit low after Christmas and a good educational intervention for assorted Gombeenmen! Are horsewhips tax deductable?


    This Gobshite proposal of dispensations for boggers is totally fucking ridiculous.
    It has however opened the debate.
    Has it ever been clarified what proportion of accidents are caused by people between 50-100mgs…………Would effective enforcement of the previous limits have avoided this issue?
    We are trying to change the culture of drinking in Ireland, by encouraging a respect for alcohol. will this come about by simply reducing the limit???

    Every driver in France now must carry a breatalyser with them….. if you’re over the limit, its your own fault and you get the book thrown at you. but at least this laws encourages more responsibility.


    The Irish have a problem socialising without alcohol. Healy Rae is saying that people on the hillsides are lonely–it’s true, they are. It’s a mistake to assume and accept that alcohol is a necessary part of socialization. There is nothing stopping people meeting and enjoying each other’s company with or without alcohol. They can get blind drunk–that is their prerogative–however it’s not their God given right to get in a car and drive home drunk, just because they live in the arse end of nowhere. Where is the famous welcoming Irish spirit?–are we saying that no kind soul would drive them home or give them a couch to sleep on?
    The problem isn’t the drink driving laws. The problem is that these backward c***s don’t want to change. Guess what, they will have to. Tough.


    Gombeenman, thanks for bringing up an unwillingness to change

    The fact of the matter is that a lot of rural publicans have not adapted to the current laws, even though everyone could see it coming

    Also money is an issue with prices too high for people to go to the pub, he could undercut this by adding a bus service

    Also i dont think any council should back a publicans motion when it comes to drink driving laws when he has an obvious agenda

    What a dispicable cunt, playing on the countrys suicide rate to help increase his profits, in my opinion


    Yes the irish have a problem socialising without alcohol, all i am suggesting is that perhaps some progressive moves to change attitudes would have a better long term effect than just imposing more rules…………
    There are still gobshites who get behind the wheel shit-faced…… is reducing the limit from 80 to 50 mg going to make them change their minds????

    Michael McDowell (not that i’m a fan) tried to do something in this regard but the publicans circled the wagons and fuck-all happened.

    Drink-Driving is now socially unacceptable. This was not the case 15-20 years ago.
    It has come about because of a combination of education and regulation, not by branding people as ‘backward cunts’.


    I agree with your sentiment. Drink driving is now socially unacceptable in general although there are still occasional hard cases who will be likely to flout all regulations. As to branding people as “backward c***s, you might consider the use of asterixes an indication that a profanity was implied; then again I may just have been referring to “backward chaps” — the need for plausible deniability must be hardwired into my soul; but then again I was reared in the time of “chaps” like CJ.
    NK, in your heart you know that anyone supportig this drunk driving permit scheme, having given it any measure of careful reflection and still considered the proposal wise, are by definition backward c***s.


    The Healy-Raes and their ilk want what they’ve always believed they’re entitled to: one law for them and another law for everyone else.


    i think its fairly obvious that the proposed scheme is complete nonsense and not even worthy of further discussion…………….

    i felt that the ‘backward cunts’ comment was harsh if being applied to anyone who might avail of the scheme. However if only being applied to those who champion it, then its bang-on.
    regarding asterixs……… what’s the point in implying profanity when you can just use profanity? lets call a spade a fucken spade!

    i just think the reduction of the alcohol limit is a big opportunity for all the gravy-trainers in Dáil Éireann to have a big press-conference where they can all lick each others arses and pretend they’re doing a great job, when in fact this will have no great impact on the problems with our attitude to alcohol.


    Asterisks are *fucking* great but I can’t understand why some *bastards* are so afraid of saying cunt. Do they think c*nt means something different?


    We all have our hangups


    We do indeed, but why are we afraid of magic sounds?


    I know a few dopey cunts, a couple of stupid cunts and one particularly thick cunt.
    But a backward cunt is a different animal altogether


    It must be my repressed Catholic upbringing, I’ve been trying to break free of the shackles but……I c***t help myself


    H**y shit. W**t t*e fuck d**s *t *ll m**n?


    I’ve never seen the C word used so much in one thread–maybe it’s inevitable when that Kerry shyster is the frame. C**t!


    I’m not sure why you’re calling him a cent.


    Never mind Kerry………..we know how to you use them words up this end of the country


    The UK Independent is speculating whether Ireland will have drinking and non-drinking roads. Maybe Danny will boost Kerry house prices as people flock there to go on the sauce. Very c*****g.


    CUNT. I’ve said it….confession and absolution this weekend…….


    What is conspicuously absent in all of this in the media lately is information on the rural publicans who do organise mini van taxis to get customers in and home from a five mile radius of small towns. They do exist, i know of some in Mayo that were in operation last year. One publican there drives regulars home occasionaly himself. Im sure there are many other unsung rural activists as well.


    Is this an issue in other European countries? Presumably, rural isolation isn’t unique to Ireland.

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