No Vatican Jokes

Listen carefully.  Here’s my guarantee.

During the lead-up to the papal elections, there will be no cheap puns, no sly digs and no laughing at the absurdity of the Catholic hierarchy.

Vat I can promise you.

Cardinal Bean

There will be no snide insults at the only men who stand between us and the hordes of Satan, or the thin purple line as we call them.  We will not make jokes about 87-year-old Father Gabriele Amorth, the chief Vatican exorcist.  He’s a busy man, two years older than the outgoing pope, and in these times of failed banks, Fr Amorth is probably up to his neck with repossessions, so let’s cut him some slack.  We won’t laugh at the chief Vatican exorcist.

Nor will we laugh at the fact that, until his elevation to the Pontificate, Josef Ratzinger was head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, also known as the Holy Inquisition, despite its rebranding for a digital age.  There will be no Monty Python jokes, no Darth Vader jokes and no gratuitous jibes about kiddie-fiddling.

This is a proper moratorium and I intend to do it properly.

You see, even though the College of Cardinals nominally elects the new pope, it’s actually the Holy Spirit calling the shots, behind the scenes.  He has the remote control but of course, never forget that the old guys still have free will, as long as they do what the Holy Spirit wants, in much the same way as Irish cabinet ministers under Angela Merkel.

My people have been in touch with the Curia in Rome and we’ve reached an agreement.

For our part, we promise not to laugh at them.  In return, they promise not to claim that they can turn a biscuit into a man by waving their hands.  They promise not to pretend they know anything about sex between adults and they agree that bishops have no competence in healthcare or education.  Finally, they’ve agreed to sell everything they own and give it all to the poor.

Oops!  We were doing fine until that bit.  Oh well.

Monty Python Spanish inquisition

7 replies on “No Vatican Jokes”

My pre teen son was in the Vatican last Easter. He saw the splendor and the spectacle of urbi et orbi and the magnificent art and architecture. I gave him a week to digest it and then over dinner asked him one question:

Did you get a feeling of Love or Power when you visited The Vatican? He looked at me over his mound of fishfingers like I was a fool. Without hesitation he replied: “Power, Dad”
Out of the mouths of babes.

How could you tell a Gestapo officer from a priest?
The Gestapo officer is the one in the black uniform ordering people around.

Gombeenman, he saw exactly what he was supposed to see. Imagine seeing what it was like in the 15th century when it was just built with all those indulgences that Luther complained about with his theses nailed to the front door of Wurtemberg cathedral in 1517.

Still, even now it’s impressive but the last feeling I got from my visit was of a cathoilic church, maybe that was just me.

mind you, I missed going into the Sistine Chapel so had to make do with the online tour. Google it, my phone wont let me cut and paste, its worth a look but still is more about power and glory than anything else.

perhaps the best comment I saw came from my grown son who commented on FB when someone posted the news of his resignation…”dibs on his stereo”

d’orange men used to chant, soap the rope and lets hang the pope, i dont agree, cos hanging would be tooooooooooo good for old ratzy the natzy, whipping and flogging yes

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