Jesus Forgets the Safe Word

Ramus specialis: You want maybe we should break your legs? Is that what you want?  It can be arranged.

Scriptor Principalis: Look, I’m the editor.  The buck stops at my desk, but this guy, Jesus, right? No newspapyrus experience at all.  He came to me with an idea and I said ok.   I gave him a break.  What more do you want?  I’ll get you a juicy  S&M story, he said.

Ramus specialis: How about you tell the truth?

Scriptor Principalis: I’m tellin the truth!

Ramus specialis: You prefer to deal with Inquisitor Maximus, that’s fine by me.  Go right ahead.

Scriptor Principalis: No, no.  Come on.  That’s not what I’m sayin’.

Ramus specialis: What are you saying?  We’ve got a Praefectus going crazy.  He gets up this morning, has his bath, a slave peels him a grape, another slave  puts your papyrus in front of him and it looks like you’re calling him some kind of pervert.  Pilate don’t take kindly to that sort of talk.

Scriptor Principalis: Look, we sent this Jesus guy in.  I don’t know him from fuckin Adam but he talks a good game, ok?  We gave him a few shekels up front and an expense account.  It was a good story.   He said he’d infiltrate the Jerusalem S&M scene and that’s the last I saw of him until there he was, nailed to a fucking cross!  I mean, what the fuck?

Ramus specialis:  You have his notes?

Scriptor Principalis: Sure.  Here they are.

manuscript 001_2



Ramus specialis: Wait a minute.  This is a shopping list.  Forty bottles of wine.  Seventy-eight loaves of bread.

Scriptor Principalis: Yeah.  I know.  And we had to pay for it.  I signed off on that expenses chit.  Here’s some more notes.


manuscript 002_2



Ramus specialis:  Finally got accepted.  Lots of good guys here.  Really like Joseph of Arimathea.  Mary M  great fun.  Longinus takes self a bit seriously but he’s ok.  Simon not happy about gig.  Judas thinks can sell story to media.  Already talking to Damascus Inquirer.  This don’t look like no S&M club.

Scriptor Principalis: Yeah.  That’s what I thought too.  Turns out it’s not.  They’re just a bunch of actors, they do street theatre but they take it, you know, serious.

Ramus specialis: How serious?

Scriptor Principalis: They got this thing.  You live the part.  They have this actor, Daniel, spent a whole year living like a guy with no legs.  Another guy put on two heavy talents of fat to play some pugnator when he got old. And then he lost all the weight to play the guy when he was younger!

Ramus specialis: What’s this?  Trying hard to remember the safe word.

Scriptor Principalis:  What I hear, he wasn’t no actor.  Kept forgettin his lines.

Ramus specialis: The safe word?

Scriptor Principalis:  You know.  What they do in that S&M thing.  Beggin for mercy is part of the gig.  They’re not gonna stop just cos you ask ’em.  You gotta remember the special word.

Ramus specialis: Jesus!

Scriptor Principalis:  Exactly.  The kid had no memory for lines and things just got, y’know, out of hand.

Ramus specialis: He forgot the fuckin safe word?  That what you’re tellin me?

Scriptor Principalis:  Yep.  That’s the verbum I hear on the via.  The whole thing coulda been stopped if only he could remember the verbum tutum.  But he didn’t.  He got nailed and now, the masses are chanting his name.

Ramus specialis:  You know what this means.

Scriptor Principalis:  Equidem.  The poor bastard accidentally started a religion.

Ramus specialis:  Based on bondage rituals.

Scriptor Principalis:  That’s right.

Ramus specialis:  Ok.  You’re free to go.  By the way, did you ever find out the safe word?

Scriptor Principalis:  Yeah.  It was wafer.



Previously: Annual Good Friday blasphemous posts.

2 thoughts on “Jesus Forgets the Safe Word

  1. Yay! Blasphemy is alive and thriving in Hibernia Incognito.

    Although there’s just no fun in it if there’s no persecution and repression coming back at you. Ah well.

  2. Well it is on the books here in hibernia as an arrestable offence DaddyOwe! Honestly I wish someone would get arrested sometimes, so we could have a debate about what nonsense blasphemy legislation is in the first place.

    Without the notions of either ‘street theatre’ or ‘underground journalism’ in Bock’s post, I reckon the point about S&M still stands: I mean if you know ( ’cause your Da runs the universe and this is all his plan) that this, extemely painful, death that you are enduring is: A easily avoidable and B will be entirely without consequence for you,- then what is it if not a bit of S&M?

    The only thing that makes it not S&M is Jesus crying My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46) that doesn’t sound like anything was going to any plan to me: that sounds more like “Oh Shit,-I’m being crucified”, which is frankly an understandable sentiment under the circumstances.

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