As the Constitutional Convention today voted for same-sex marriage, the National Bigot Helpline is reporting a huge spike in calls.
Fanatics nationwide are reporting palpitations, flutters, grinding teeth and That Feeling You Get When You Imagine What Queers Do.
Speaking from his ventriloquist’s lap, Senator Ronan Mullen condemned the decision, blaming the participants in the convention, the government, the people of Ireland, homosexuals, non-Catholics, people who aren’t from Galway, young people, old people, everyone who disagrees with him and liberal priests.
It’s a conspiracy, he said, in a brief statement. A coalition of unCatholic, unIrish conspirators. It’s a fix, just like the Voice of Ireland, so it is.
It certainly is, agreed David Quinn, director of the Iona Institute, which has promised to mobilise all six of its members to hand out holy-water rehydration kits live on air. Its director has temporarily suspended his symphisiotomy appreciation seminars to provide spiritual guidance to confused Irish people.
People are confused, he explained. But the six of us will put them straight, with the help of RTE. After all, between the six of us, we have a combined IQ of, oh, about a million, unlike you and all the other Irish gobshites. You didn’t record that bit, did you?
We put it to a keen observer of the Iona Institute that, by taking his eye off the ball, Quinn was increasing teenage pregnancies, and he agreed. It’s true, he said. While Dave isn’t watching them, they’ll be riding and smoking communion hosts. It’s a tough choice for Dave, he said, but life is all about choices. They have to stem the homo horde before they sort out the whores.
So what will this decision lead to? we wanted to know.
Senator Mullen was in no doubt. It will lead to non-Catholic babies being born from no biological parents at all. If the queers get their way, nobody will be shagging. Eh, I mean, everyone will be shagging. Eh, I mean, what was the question again?