I’m looking at a report that says TV3 are planning a series called At home with the Healy Raes, and no matter which way I read it, somehow I can’t quite get that collection of words to make sense.
At home. Yes. I get that bit.
With the Healy Raes. No. Sorry. How could you be at home with beings that suspend themselves upside-down from trees and pelt passing tourists with dried pellets of goat-shit?
What is home to a Healy Rae? Aren’t these the only species of hominid that David Attenborough gave up on? Forget it. Just shoot ’em, I believe were his exact words to the BBC film crew.
Orang-utans and gorillas fling themselves from cliffs at the thought of being related to the only Great Ape known to wear a flat cap as part of its mating display.
Diane Fossey tried to wipe them out.
Using a unique camouflage strategy, the thickest ape in the sub-species gobshitera vocalises in a manner that sounds very similar to human speech. As a result, g. healy-rae is often adopted by humans and frequently assumes tasks requiring human-like behaviour but little intelligence, such as membership of county councils and running pubs, tasks ideally suited to its grunting, shuffling demeanour.
With any luck, TV3 is moving away from its normal diet of programmes about second-rate Irish models and personality-free Irish businessmen. If they put some money into this, they might come up with an award-winning study of one of the world’s least-understood apes.
Take that, BBC! Take that David Attenborough!