Ryanair has sacked one of its longest-serving stewardesses for exposing the scandal of sub-standard in-flight coffee served on its planes.
In a statement, the airline stated that it was suing Ms Frieda Gottblinder, who has been with the airline since 1987, for gross defamation. This is an outrageous slur on our in-flight service, said Michael O’Leary, the diminutive head of propaganda in Ryanair. We’ve immediately withdrawn all free toilet roll privileges from our staff until they admit that our coffee is the best in the world. Anywhere. Ever.
Our coffee is delivered by over 500,000 dedicated coffee professionals, many of whom gave their lives to ensure that our customers have the right to access our top-quality coffee, our scratch-cards and our unequalled customer service and courtesy. Get that bastard back in line!
Announcing that proceedings had been issued against Ms Gottblinder and Channel 4, the station that criticised its coffee-brewing policies, Ryanair made the following statement.
Our coffee making is in line with the best international paper-cup-filling standards. It’s an appalling slur on our integrity to suggest that we would serve shite coffee to our customers, and since we have a shit-load of money, we’re going to crush this penniless trolley dolly right here and now, so I am. We. I mean we.
Do that again, all right? I meant we. Not me. And fuckin bend down when you talk to Us. I mean Me.
Do you realise I’m a fucking billionaire? We. We’re fucking billionaires. Ryanair, I meant. Not me.
Where are you going with that toilet paper?