The Love/Hate cat controversy took a startling new twist today, with the National Wildbirds Alliance accusing the feline actor, known as Mr Cuddles, of being a serial killer.
In an exclusive interview with Paul Williams, the world’s most fearless investigative journalist, a spokesperson for the group revealed the grim truth behind the media image of the top four-legged star. This Cuddles character has murdered thousands of our members. He’s a psycho! He needs to be stopped.
Denying that the claim was a flight of fancy, the contact, known only as Captain Sparrow, produced files, dossiers and sworn affidavits from birds, mice, field-voles, spiders, house-flies, rabbits, goldfish and a small dog, documenting the murderous rampage that is the secret other life of Cuddles.
It’s understood that Gardai are taking the claims seriously and that an investigation has been launched. We knew there was a serial killer out there, said Inspector Claude Ball of the Garda Press Office, but we never came within a whisker of catching him until now. This new information makes all the difference.
In a press statement, the NWA announced that it had formed a military wing in partnership with the Cartoon Coyote Federation. We realise the Roadrunner is a fellow bird, the statement said, but anvil-dropping is just not acceptable in a civilised society. We unreservedly condemn the actions of the Roadrunner. Violence against animals is never acceptable even when committed by a bird-brother. Well, almost never, unless it involves a cat.
When asked if the NWA would condemn the shooting of cats in TV dramas, the reply was unequivocal. Never. Cats are terrorists. They need to be taken out with whatever force is necessary. We welcome the actions of the young men who shot this murderer.
The Supreme Leader of the Animal Rights Action Network, John Carmody, pointed to the recent beheading of ducks in Edenderry as proof that the Love/Hate cat-shooting incident increased violence towards animals. Speaking to The Journal, John Carmody speculated that it might be a copycat crime:
We have been reporting to the media all week the increase in violent crimes towards animals, and that a popular programme such as Love/Hate’s scenes of animal abuse is doing damage to our already tough work of curbing cruelty to animals. Was this a copy cat of a previous scene in Love Hate where pigeons necks were snapped?This is not a game we’re playing and this is not public entertainment.
When asked if he thought it might be the work of Bear Grylls, Elmer Fudd or a coyote, or perhaps the Army Rangers who train in the locality, Mr Carmody dismissed the suggestion. This has all the hallmarks of the fascist, right-wing, psychotic Animal Murder Front. They have too much time on their hands and all they want to do is kill animals while laughing in a very nasty way.
Commenting on the statement by the angry birds, Mr Carmody expressed disappointment. We realise that the birds are angry, and it’s true that cats kill countless small creatures every year, but they’re just so oochie-coochie-cuddly, especially when they’re asleep in their lovely little baskets.