Postman Brings Pluggy-Inny Things, Gets Savaged By Dog

BANGBANGBANGBANG!!

What the fuck is that?

Kill, growls the Hound of Satan.   Fucking Kill!

BANGBANGBANGBANG!!

All right, all right, all right.  Jesus Christ, give me a minute.

I get to the door and whoever it was is gone, but the Hound of Satan is on the trail and streaks past me in a flying ball  of spit and brimstone, trailing a Doppler-shifted snarl as he makes straight for the postman’s moving van and sinks his fangs into the rear wheel.  Rotating Hound of Satan.

Jesus, howya John.  Sorry I didn’t hear you knocking sooner.

No bother Bock, says cheery smiling John Postman.

Snarl!! threatens the Hound, but John the Postman only laughs.

He might bite you, John, I warn.

Not a bit of it, laughs John the Postman.  I have a few of these fellas meself at home. And he waves a bunch of letters the Hound.  Haven’t I?  Yes I have.

The Hound snatches the bunch of letters out of his hand and runs away with them, spitting out bits of chewed paper into the pissing rain while snarling threats over his shoulder.  You have nothing like me, Motherfucker!

John is the coolest postman I have ever known.  Here Bock, he says.  It’s a box of something from somewhere.

I know what it is, I tell him.  It’s that clever pair of plug-in things that I got from the internet at a quarter the Price Currys were asking in their half-price sale, the thieving bastards with bad after-sales service.  And other shit.  Bastards.

netgear powerline

No way!! John celebrates.  Does this mean you’l be able to surf the web in your north-tower eyrie from now on?

Sure does, John, but what about your letters?

Oh, yeah.  Right, he agrees.  My letters.

So we pick up the sodden, saliva-riddled pieces of former documents, bills, billets-doux, summonses and poison-pen threats.

John is very gracious about it.   Not to worry, he says.

I awkwardly proffer the bottle of wine I’ve been holding.  Happy Christmas, John.  You’re a good postman.

He seems taken aback.  Jesus, Bock.  Eh, thanks.

Enjoy it, I tell him.

Damn fucking right I will, he says.

Grrrrrr, says the Hound.

Grrrrr, says John, and the Hound slinks away, defeated.

22 thoughts on “Postman Brings Pluggy-Inny Things, Gets Savaged By Dog

  1. I hope those letters weren’t for me, I have been waiting for some since the 18th December that have vanished in the snail mail world.

    In another note, my cat chase the postman and fetches the post, but he is a very strange cat.

  2. I don’t let the cat out, he puts his paws up at the window at the front door first meowing at the postman, then runs to the two windows in the sitting room watching with interest until the postman leaves. He likes crisps and strawberries, and being hoovered.. he is a very odd cat.

  3. Away from satanic canines and feline eccentricity, tell me about these boxes John was delivering. Do you have an Eircom connection that can be transformed by these gadgets?

  4. It won’t help the connection. It’s a way of bringing internet to parts of your house where wireless can’t reach, for whatever reason.

  5. I once had a dog on ” probation ” as he bit the wife of a Garda, which apparently was far more serious than biting the Garda, he’s dead now RIP the dog not the Garda.

    On another note, I found an ingenious little device called a TP-LINK which brings the Internet to unreachable places in the house and outside buildings through the sockets, just plug in socket and connect to computer. Hope that helps ?

  6. The sockets have to be in the same ring/fuse! otherwise they can’t see each other.

    great device and fast if it works, if it doesn’t ………..

  7. I have a cat that chews plastic and will have a go at any dog that ventures into the garden.Mad as a march hare.I bought a couple of Netgear powerline adapters a couple of years ago.Best purchase ever,and have since added two more to other rooms.Fairhill it doesn’t matter if there connected to the same ring main or not,because they are all connected at the incoming main.What does matter is that you do not use extension leads,otherwise you will lose speed.

  8. @ Sheskin

    Spent 5 months trying to get the one behind the telly working, gave up and ran a cable.

    They do seem to prefer the same circuit. a techie friend of mine was telling me of a job he used them on where they stopped working after a time. probably some dodgy electrician came and changed the circuit.

  9. @ Fairhill I have two different brands working together on different circuits with no problems.They don’t depend on just the live,they use the neutral and earth as well.Nowhere does it mention circuits or fuses in the instructions that comes with them.They will only “talk” to one another when the “pairing” button is pressed on both together or within a couple of minutes.They are easily the best bit of tech that I have ever bought,and as they say they do what it says on the box.

  10. That’s marvelous

    5 months, 2 or maybe 3 experts, helpline calls, and a brand new cable round the house later.

    What you find when you have a problem like this, and your talking to people who deal with them everyday, your own problem with their flakey ness, is more common than you knew.

    It’s only when you run the cable you find the people who don’t or have never had the same problem.

    The people I gave the flakey kit away to have no problems, currently.

  11. Your postman sounds brave Bock.
    Mine – not so much.
    He left a note in the letterbox recently saying if the dog wasn’t locked away, he couldn’t (literally?) deliver the mail anymore, as she “almost took his finger off”.
    What a wuss.

    She’s only having a bit of craic like or was getting a bit peckish.

  12. I used to deliver papers as a kid and there was one hound who used to wait until I got all the way to the end of the cul de sac before terrorising me. Bastard. I didn’t even look waahish or anything. Some hounds are just pure cunts.

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