There was some bonkers stuff in the news this week, but for sheer lunacy, it would be hard to beat the story of the Ash Wednesday forehead burnings.
What happened? Well, at a church in the North Cork village of Newtownshandrum, a priest called Eugene Baker was smudging crosses on the heads of thirty or so parishioners when they began to scream in agony and he had to stop the Mass. The ashes burned a flaming cross-shaped hole right through their skulls and they started projectile vomiting as their heads rotated violently.
No, I just made that part up, but the other bit is true. The ashes caused a severe irritation on the faces of the Faithful, leaving horrible red-raw cruciform weals on their noble brows and causing such pain that poor old Eugene had to cancel the service half-way through so that his parishioners could run into the sacristy and wash the searing poison off their faces.
Aaaarrrggghhh! they whispered as they genuflected before the altar on the way to salvation. Aarrrgghhh!!
Aaaaarrrggghh to you too, my children, said kindly Father Baker, making a mental note not to smear this corrosive shit on the local schoolchildren as he normally did every year.
Now, oddly enough, Newtownshandrum wasn’t the only place where a priest accidentally burned the faces off his parishioners. Over in Galway, there was more screaming and gnashing of teeth when Fr Malachy Hallinan painted smudgy black crosses on the foreheads of his congregation. There was a similar eruption of raw-looking weals and a similar abrupt end to the Mass, but Fr Malachy is made of stern stuff.
Instead of calling in an exorcist, he sent a sample of the ashes for testing, but his account of the scientific explanation he received is utter bollocks which proves something amazing. Even a priest will believe complete nonsense and repeat it as a fact. Imagine! Who knew that could happen?
No. The reality is much simpler than Fr Malachy’s shaky grasp of chemistry. It’s obvious: he accidentally used ashes that were possessed by Satan, which goes to show that – just like food – supernatural props should be stored carefully. You don’t want a Satanist breaking into your shed and cursing the palm leaves before you burn them.
Meanwhile in England, there was another equally ludicrous story. You see, poor Amber Hickling (18), was looking through her boyfriend’s phone, as you do, searching for pictures of their baby. But what she found instead was a 30-second video of Wayne Bryson (19) in flagrante delicto.
Amber puts it best. I wouldn’t have been surprised to catch him cheating, but to catch him shagging my dog was wrong on a different level.
That’s right. In the ultimate selfie, young Wayne decided to have sexual relations with Rudy, Amber’s bull terrier, proving that either he’s complete idiot or else has nerves of steel. A bull terrier? Most ordinary men wouldn’t put a steel-toecapped boot within reach of those hydraulically-powered bone-crushing jaws, never mind anything more sensitive, but Wayne is no ordinary man. Jesus, imagine what would happen if he called the dog the wrong name in the throes of their passion.
Bryson couldn’t explain why he had sex with the dog, but he told the court it only happened once. Well, that’s all right, then. Who hasn’t occasionally had a rush of blood and shagged the nearest available bull terrier? At least it was only a casual thing, not as if they were sharing intimate bowls of Pedigree Chum by candle light and making plans for the future, but that’s not how Amber saw things and now the couple are split up, sadly. Amber couldn’t look at the dog after what happened, so Rudy now lives in a new home.
Wayne’s family have disowned him, apparently, but it could be worse. He only got a four-month suspended sentence, unlike this poor devil in Scotland a few years back who got three years on probation for having sex with a bicycle in the privacy of his bedroom.
Both of them were placed on the sex offenders’ register. One for shagging a dog and the other for riding a bicycle.
Now, if only the priests were still in charge, none of this would be happening, but with Satanists cursing their palm leaves, the poor bastards no longer have time to keep a lid on impure thoughts.
What a shame.