The gold medal of police merit, normally conferred posthumously, has gone to the Virgin Mary, or to be more precise, it went to a statue, for helping the police with their work.
For helping the police. A statue.
[Stunned, horrified silence]
[More stunned, horrified silence]
Yes indeed. Spain’s interior minister, Jorge Fernández Díaz, has decided that the statue of the Blessed Virgin in Málaga deserves a medal.
Let’s take a little time to process that thought, given that many of us inhabit a country where Catholic insanity — or so we thought — had been brought to the highest levels of satire. And then let us get down on our knees to thank Spain for rescuing the Irish from their stereotype as the World’s Most Ridiculous Catholics.
Thank you Spain. Thank you. Ireland might be a country full of lunatics who think that statues actually move, but Spain is a land where a senior government minister believes a statue of the Virgin Mary is a crimefighter, like Wonderwoman. Or Dana Scully. Or Miss Marple.
Now, Jorge Fernández Díaz, although he happens to be a certifiable lunatic as well as a politician (no contradiction there), is clearly not a football fan. because if he was, Jorge Fernández Díaz would be launching a Franco-style cull of all the Virgin Mary statues across Spain that failed miserably to help their national team in the World Cup. Not one of those lazy Our Ladies stepped up to the penalty spot, even though players and supporters alike begged and implored them for help.
A true Falangist, as Jorge Fernández Díaz plainly is, would round up those statues of the various Our Ladies, members of the Our Lady Continuum, and have them shot. Dump them in a communal grave somewhere and forget about them. Isn’t that what Franco would do?
No room for disloyal Our Ladies in Spain.
I’d like to know what role Santa María de la Rábida had in this fiasco. Shouldn’t the interior minister send an elite squad of hard-nosed cops to interrogate the mayor of Palos de la Frontera, who just happens to be a statue of the Blessed Virgin? Did this BVM answer the prayers of the Spanish players or not? I think we already know the answer. Follow the money.
What I’d like to know is this. Why does Spain stop at handing out medals to the Blessed Virgin?
Why not give awards to other non-existent characters like Don Quixote, Zorro or Batmanuel?
Let’s pin gongs on God, Thor, Zeus, Allah, Poseidon and Calimero.
Let’s elect a selfie of Wilfred the Hairy to the Cortes Generales. cos you know, those Spanish are just mad, Ted.
To reiterate, in case you thought I was making all this up under the influence of mind-bending drugs, Spain has awarded a police medal to a fucking statue, thus jumping into first place in the Bonkers Religious Olympics, ahead of Afghanistan, Iran, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia and the Southern States of the USA.
Thank you, Spain.