Today, I thought I might relax and take a break from all the extreme stuff in the world news, because it gets very tiring. It’s hard to keep talking about this stuff, which reminds me of a favourite rhyme from years ago.
On Nevski Bridge a Russian stood
Chewing his beard for lack of food.
He said “It’s tough, this stuff, to eat
But a damn sight better than shredded wheat.
And it is tough. It’s damn tough to be constantly thinking about ISIS / ISIL, about the bombardment of Gaza and about the war in Ukraine. No normal man would stay sane if he didn’t take a little break, so I brewed up a coffee, sat back and opened the paper, but the first thing I read was Obama says Islamist militant siege of Mount Sinjar has broken.
Oh, right. So everything is ok then, and the Yazidi are saved from starvation, they’re living in frugal comfort, with decent sanitation and with enough to eat?
Well, actually, no. That’s not what Obama is saying. His point is that they’re not stuck on the top of a mountain any more. They’re down at sea level, still starving, still living in shit, in rags and without shelter, but that’s fine, since the media don’t care about them any more. They’re no longer a threat to his image. Barack even invited the United States to give itself a little clap on the back for breaking the siege by the ISIL crazies whose existence came about thanks to his predecessor’s invasion of Iraq.
In echoes of Lyndon B Johnson’s infamous outburst in relation to Biafra, Just get those nigger babies off my TV, Obama seems comfortable enough now that the Yazidi people no longer occupy the heights of Mount Sinjar where the media can see them.
The situation is so good, according to Obama, that there won’t even be need for any further humanitarian supplies. No need for luxuries like tents, food, medicine, clothing, sanitation or heating.
That’s fine. All fixed.
Jesus, I thought this was supposed to be a day off.
Scanning further down, I see that Cliff Richard has been accused of child abuse and I just think things might be — wait! What? What exactly did that say?
Police have raided Cliff Richard’s home in Berkshire, investigating complaints that he abused a boy under sixteen back in the Eighties.
Ah come on, now. Sir Cliff? I don’t believe it, and I won’t believe it until a jury says it’s true.
This newspaper business is getting more and more depressing.
Let’s see now. Robin Williams had Parkinsons? Right. Ok.
Man drowned in West Cork after yacht overturned by freak wave. Great. Cheerful as hell. This is really suiting my day off.
MBNA call centre closing in Carrick-on-Shannon. Not such a surprise.
Ryanair jet takes off with severe damage to control surfaces. Hmmm. Not so great. What happened? It seems that a microburst battered the plane while it was parked at Faro, shearing several vital bolts holding the rudder onto the tail. After taking off, the pilots, in fairness to them, noticed that the plane didn’t feel right and returned safely to Faro but still, there in one little report is confirmation of every paranoid traveller’s fears. Every clunking, knocking random bang and bump that scares the shit out of us all. It’s not always in your mind.
What else is there?
Eurozone growth grinds to a halt.
Losing a testicle.
Oh bollocks. I think I’ll wait till tomorrow for my day off.