North Korea Shuts Down The Interview

Dear Leader moves into film-criticism

They’ve really done it now, those pesky North Koreans, who didn’t exist until they were occupied by the Russians in 1945.   Not to mention those serious-minded industrious South Koreans who also didn’t exist until they were occupied by the Americans in 1945.

Before that, they were simply Koreans, even though they’d been occupied by the Japanese for the preceding 35 years and of course, if nobody had invaded them, the chances are that North Korea wouldn’t now be ruled by the latest iteration of a family of lunatics started by Kim Il Sung, a Soviet Army officer and puppet of Lavrentiy Beria, Stalin’s detested secret police head.

team america

That’s geopolitics for you.  It’s hard to figure out, but as they say these days, we are where we are.  Kim Il-Sung begat Kim Jong-Il who was even crazier than his dad.  As crazy as a bag of rats on acid. This was the character, back in 2003, who threatened to fire nuclear missiles at Japan, and the thing that made his threat credible was that everyone knew he actually had nuclear missiles, unlike that other despicable despot, Saddam Hussein who turned out to have nothing.

So, faced with a choice between an unstable lunatic who possessed weapons of mass destruction and a completely sane dictator who did not, the decision was obvious, wasn’t it?  The USA and Britain invaded the guy with no weapons but who had loads of oil.  That’ll show ’em.

One thing it showed Kim Jong-Il is that the badly misnamed West would walk a wide step around him as long as he continued to rattle his metaphorical sabre, much as you’d avoid a crazy with the thousand-yard-stare who was accidentally served in your local.

As a huge movie buff, Kim Jong-Il must have been deeply hurt by Team America but to his credit he kept the pain inside although he clearly wasn’t able to hide it from the latest Dear Leader, Kim Jong Un, the newest in a short line of lunatics, though this isn’t necessarily all bad, I’ll have you know.

Somebody hacked Sony’s computers.

And somebody has issued a threat to everyone who attends showings of The Interview, though we’re not sure this is the same somebody.

We also know that Sony has caved in to threats from persons unknown and withdrawn the film from release, even on line, presumably for fear somebody might bomb the internet.

What does all that add up to?

In the first place, it amounts to complete stupidity by Sony, even if they now sit on a guaranteed cast-iron classic that will sell out when they finally release it, even if it turns out to be a heap of shit.  But what could you expect from a Japanese company anyway?   They’re not Murkans.  They don’t have Bruce Willis, Christian Bale, Stephen Seagal or Jake Gyllenhaal to kick those gook midgets’ asses.  Sony are not part of Hollywood and besides, they’re the ones with the nuclear missiles pointed at them, just as they were in 2003.

Maybe they’re thinking, Here’s Dear Leader III.  He’s as mad as a box of frogs, he’s holding a six-shooter full of nuclear bullets and his hand is twitching.  And besides, we did occupy his country brutally, all those years ago.

Hollywood meanwhile is thinking, Fuck you, Sony.  That’s our hard-ass heroes flushed down the toilet. So what if a couple of movie-theaters get blown up?  We can make a movie about it and send in a crew of fearless bad-guy killers.  And make a gigantic fortune from even more jingoistic fervor.  And maybe invade somewhere!

Who knows?  Maybe Sly Stallone will come out of retirement to defend America against this undemocratic attack on popular entertainment.

On the other hand, as I said, North Korea’s intervention in popular culture is not necessarily a bad thing.  Do you think we could convince Kim Jong Un to do something about Kanye West?



7 thoughts on “North Korea Shuts Down The Interview

  1. King Jong Un loves a bit of 80s Karaoke, according to Denis –
    Rocky and Dallas for 4 hours too.

    “DR: When he’s around his people, he’s just like anybody else. He jokes and loves playing basketball, table tennis, pool. They love American ’80s music. They do karaoke to it. He has this 13-piece girls band with violins. He gets a mic and they play the whole time. He loves the Doors and Jimi Hendrix. Oldies. When I first went, the live band only played two songs for four hours: the theme songs from Rocky and Dallas. ”

    And here he is defending him, saying he definitely did not Have Uncle Executed And Fed To Dogs –

    It were crocodiles! He says.

  2. They should offer the Fr. Ted series to North Korean television, or a 1950s movie about flying saucers with little green men coming out of them. If anything can tickle North Korea under the chin it’ll make the world safe for Guantanamo.

  3. Did ye hear Obama doing a press conference, where he was asked about this?
    He does come across as pretty jovial, but his attitude and the way he conducts himself was authoritarian, and a bit smug, but tis all grand if done with a smile shur.

    He joked with the reporters there, about which of them have been naughty or nice, in terms of whose questions he’d answer. He pointed at one guy, as if he was going to allow him to ask a question, then changed his mind and said ‘you’ve been naughty’. For fuck’s sake. If I was the reporter, I would have stopped him right there and asked him to define ‘naughty’.. is that getting a question he doesn’t like?

    Obama also referred to the North Korean government as a regime.
    Ironically, I’d say you’d be hard pressed to find anywhere in the world that tops the recent revelations of their ‘interrogation techniques’, regime or no regime.

    Anyway, the North Koreans are saying it wasn’t them, and it’s slanderous. Kim Jung Un’s reputation matters to him, apparently.

  4. Hollywood has always been at the forefront of American propaganda so it is ironic that North Korea had the temerity to tell them to go fuck themselves (electronically speaking) . I wonder for his upcoming visit, if the dear or great or whatever he is called leader will travel to Moscow by air or by train in the style of his predecessor.

  5. I recall a few years back Dear Leader claimed, via a famous press release from Pyongyang, that he scored 11-holes-in-one in a game of golf.

    The Supreme One routinely found the target with three or four holes-in-one per round of golf, according to state media.

    But he surpassed all records during the opening of the Pyongyang Golf Complex. Setting a standard that will surely never be surpassed, he shot – as opposed to shooting his relatives –
    a 38-under-par round of 34 on his maiden voyage onto the new Fairway. Seventeen of his security guards insisted that this included 11 aces.

    Tiger Woods immediately stopped shagging porn stars and hung up his clubs, but there was no need, as Dear Leader, after breaking all known records, announced that he was retiring from the game to focus on starving the population of his country.

    It remains the greatest single sporting achievement since Brian Boro, who was born in the greater Limerick region of Clare, scored an inside the distance win over the Vikings at Clontarf.

    But cynical sports hacks continue to cast doubt on this stunning accomplishment. Shame on them, long time.

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