Silly Jokes

Being childish

I love silly jokes.

My favourite in recent times was the one about Sean Connery being injured when a pile of books fell on his head.

I have only my shelf to blame.

But to be honest with you, I’ll probably laugh at anything, and the addiction has spread to my children who still laugh helplessly at the stupidest joke of all time, which I told them over and over again when they were small.

This guy goes to his doctor.  He has a carrot stuck up his nose and a parsnip in his ear.

The doctor says, You’re not eating properly.

I can’t help it.  I’m a sucker for this shit.

What’s yellow and swings through the jungle?

Tarzipan.

I know.  It gets worse.

A man goes to his doctor.

He says, Doctor, I have a strawberry growing out of my head.

The doctor says, I’ll give you some cream for that.

Two guys out fishing.

I see Villa lost.

How do you know that?

It’s 5 o’clock.

 …
A woman walked into a bar and asked the barman for a double entendre.
So he gave her one.

Sorry.  I’m very sorry about all this, but I just love them.  The stupider the better.

 

 

 

13 thoughts on “Silly Jokes

  1. “Doctor, doctor, I’ve got a steering wheel down my trousers.” “What’s the problem says the Doc?”,,,,,,, “It’s driving me nuts!”

  2. Q: What do you think is the essential difference between men and women?

    Oscar Wilde: I cannot conceive.

  3. Q.What did the plumber say to his wife?

    A. It’s over Flo

    Q. What would you call a fake noodle?

    A. An im-pasta

  4. Q. How do you make pumpkin pie?

    A. Take a pumpkin and divide its circumference by its diameter.

  5. Man: “Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.”

    Doctor: “Pull yourself together man.”

  6. Why did Captain Kirk’s wife want a Divorce?

    Because William Shatner.

    Knock Knock……..
    Who’s There????
    Wayne.
    Wayne Who?

    Wayne fuck yourself.

  7. Here’s some more, Bock.

    Remember, you started it! -:)

    Happy New Year

    What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
    Freeze a jolly good fellow

    Why does Santa have three gardens?
    ?So he can ‘ho ho ho’!

    What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas?
    Twerky!

    Knock, knock
    Who’s there?
    Arthur
    Arthur who?
    Arthur any mince pies left?

    What do vampires sing on New Year’s Eve?
    Auld Fang Syne

    Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor??
    Because he had a low “elf” esteem!

    What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar??
    He got 25 days!

    What kind of motorbike does Santa ride??
    A Holly Davidson!

    What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck??
    A Christmas Quacker!

    What is the best Christmas present in the world??
    A broken drum, you just can’t beat it!

    How did Scrooge win the football game??
    The ghost of Christmas passed!

    Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas??
    Santa Jaws

    Who is Santa’s favorite singer?
    ?Elf-is Presley!

    What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school??
    The elf-abet!

    What did Santa say to the smoker?
    Please don’t smoke, it’s bad for my elf!

    What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees??
    Horn-aments!

    Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing??
    They always drop their needles!

    Did Rudolph go to school?
    No. He was Elf-taught!

    Why did the turkey join the band??
    Because it had the drumsticks!

    What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire??
    Frostbite!

    What do snowmen wear on their heads??
    Ice caps!

    How do snowmen get around??
    They ride an icicle!

    How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas??
    One that’s deep pan, crisp and even!

    Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
    A mince spy!
    What do you call a cat in the desert??
    Sandy Claws!

    What does Santa do with fat elves??
    He sends them to an Elf Farm!

    What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas??
    It’s Christmas, Eve!

    How many letters are in the Christmas alphabet??
    25. There’s “no EL”!

    What carol is heard in the desert??
    O camel ye faithful!

    What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas??
    Cross Mouse Cards!

    What athlete is warmest in winter??
    A long jumper!

    What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations??
    Tinsilitis!

    What’s the most popular Christmas wine??
    ‘I don’t like Brussels sprouts!’

    What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree??
    Nice gnawing you!

    Why are Christmas Trees like bad knitters?
    They keep loosing their needles!

    What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk??
    Jingle Smells!

    What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
    Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

    What’s green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet??
    Mistle-toad!

    Which famous playwright was terrified of Christmas??
    Noël Coward!

    How do you know if Santa is really a werewolf??
    He has Santa claws!

    What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?
    Stick with me and we’ll go places!

    Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
    Because they were two deer!

    What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast?
    The One Show!

    What did Father Christmas do when he went speed dating?
    He pulled a cracker!

    Why don’t you ever see Father Christmas in hospital?
    Because he has private elf care!

    How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born?
    They had a weigh in a manger!

    Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?
    Because their days are numbered!

     
    2 snowmen in a field, one turns to the other and says, “Can you smell carrots?”
     
    What do you call Santa’s little helpers?
    Subordinate Clauses
     
    What do you give a reindeer with an upset tummy?
    Elk-a-seltzer
     
     What do you call the fear of getting stuck in a chimney?
    Santaclaustrophobia

     
    Why was Santa’s workshop closed down?
    Elf and Safety….
     
    What’s ET short for?
    Because he’s only got little legs
     
    What do you call a man wearing brown paper trousers?
    Russell
     
    Whats green and sits in the corner?
    A bold frog
     
    Who invented fractions?
    Henry the 1/8th
     
    Why do birds fly south in the winter?
    Because its too far to walk.

  8. Guy walking down the street with one glove.

    Fella says to him ‘Hey, did you lose a glove?’

    ‘No, I found one.’

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