An Garda Síochána is to be reformed, apparently.
In the most radical restructuring since the formation of the force, Commissioner Nóirín O’Sullivan has imposed strict limits on doughnut use and announced intensive courses on the correct pronunciation of “vehicle”.
Hawks are to be curtailed. No member of the force will henceforth be able to buy more than twenty items at cost price from retailers in any given year.
Young drunken off-duty gardai who flash identification at fellow night-clubbers before beating them up will from now on be called in front of the Super, who will be required to say For fucksake lads three times. before shaking his head ruefully.
Any Garda checking out a car for a friend will be required to provide a reason before looking up the ownership details and passing them on.
Gardai will not, in future, be permitted to copy personal information about citizens from the PULSE system and place it on their personal laptops, if their children are likely to use the laptop for Facebook. Gardai without children will be exempt from this requirement.
However, Templemore will continue as a monastic settlement, where recruits are taught that society consists of two groups: An Garda Siochána and potential criminals.
An Garda Síochána, unlike the PSNI, will continue to be a security agency as well as a police force.
There will be no concerted attempt to confront the entrenched inertia that keeps the force rooted in the attitudes of the 1920s, diverting allocating resources to such vital tasks as the enforcement of pub licensing hours.
An Garda Síochána is dragged kicking and screaming into the 1950s.