Sometimes, when things get a little slack, maybe on a slow day, I turn to my favourite alternative news source, the Limerick Leader, and to its credit, it never lets me down. No matter how quiet things might be, the Limerick Leader will report with a straight face some ludicrous story about a talking badger or one of our twin mayors demanding a crucifix on the Empire State building. Such is the nature of the provincial newspaper business, and I won’t laugh at them (much) for their parochialism.
But every now and then, the Limerick Leader comes up with a real gem of indifference to hard fact.
This article, titled Is Limerick’s Frank McCourt museum ‘haunted’? recounts how a self-styled team of paranormal investigators, or to you and me a bunch of crusties, investigated a building in Limerick for signs of ghostly activity. In fairness to these crusties, they’re fairly good at promoting the pseudoscientific bollocks that the Limerick Leader unquestioningly swallowed and reproduced, but we’ll return to that in a minute. It’s not the first time the Leader gave this bunch a free plug, as of course any paper is entitled to do provided journalistic standards are not a major concern.
The group in question call themselves Ghosteire and they have a website that must rank as one of the worst in creation. Clearly none of the ghosts they contacted was in the mood to provide tips on literacy, scientific exactitude or graphic design, and who could blame them when this crowd arrive at all manner of unsocial hours with annoyingly-irrelevant gadgets, reciting silly poems and acting like the annoying bunch of crusties they are?
Let’s have a look at the Ghosteire website which, appropriately enough, is registered to an incorporeal entity called Perfect Privacy LLC, with an address in Jacksonville, Florida.
The first thing you notice is this warning.
Any Photographs, Video Footage and Audio Recordings taken on a Ghosteire Investigation are the property of Ghosteire and are copyrighted for only Ghosteire’s use. Any new experiments created by Ghosteire are also copyrighted and are only for Ghosteire’s Scientific and Spiritual research only.
Remember that. Only for Ghosteire’s Scientific and Spiritual research only. If only we knew what Ghosteire is only, since it’s not listed as the owner of the website and not listed as a company in Ireland.
I think it’s safe enough to reproduce some of the bollocks on this website without fear of haunting.
Apart from being the crappiest-looking website in history, it also appears to have been written by an illiterate spirit on work experience. Ghostbridge.
They’re available for private conseltations for a suggestive fee, apparently, and they’re big into the word energies.
Here they are.
On the face of it, there seems to be no harm in them. Just a bunch of West-Cork and Kerry crusties who talk pseudoscientific bollocks and pretend to contact the dead? Is that a bad thing?
Well, yes actually, it is, because this crowd are promoting bollocks, and that’s never a good thing, if we want our society to be based on rational, critical thought, instead of superstition. We know where superstition got us. Do we want to stay in that place?
Let’s return to the Ghosteire website to see if we can find anything substantial in their bollocks-talk. Their Equipment section seems like a good place to start. No doubt, as a responsible journal of record, the Limerick Leader studied it in detail before publishing its article promoting Ghosteire.
The first on the list is something they call the EMF Metre and immediately we run into a problem. Are they talking about the unit of measurement, the metre, or are they simply mis-spelling the word meter? I’m guessing the latter. Then we look at EMF, which is the old term for Voltage.
It’s a volt-meter. Bingo.
What do they think their volt-meter can measure?
Electromagnetic fields, apparently, also known as radio waves, X-rays, visible light and heat.
In a major scientific breakthrough, Ghosteire have found a way to measure the voltage of things that don’t have a voltage, such is the power of the paranormal.
Neutrons? Uncharged particles? Ghosteire have developed an instrument that can measure the voltage of neutrons? Give that crusty a Nobel Prize. Apparently these neutrons can create electrical pulses. Not only that, but the Ghosteire volt-meter can detect frequencies, which has never before been achieved in the history of science.
The EMF Metre provides guidence, apparently.
Already my brain is reeling with the technology these investigators use and we haven’t even started.
They also use motion detectors, known as passive infra-red to anyone with a burglar alarm in their house. Ghosteire explains that they may alert you by flashing sensory lights, as opposed to ordinary flashing lights.
They have a thing called a therometre, which I can only assume is that groundbreaking scientific marvel, the thermometer. Digital therometres are a good tool, apparently. Some will give readings in both centigrade,farenheight and RH (Humidity). So there you have it. A digital therometre will measure the humidity, and that’s the same thing as temperature in the world of crusty paranormal science. Don’t forget this advice:
A mercury based therometre might not give you fast results but are still found households and are fairly cheap.
Walkie talkies are great for speeding up to save wondering around and to negociate bigger spaces. They can be brought fairly cheap price of 15 – 85 euro.
Good to know.
Environmental metres / gauges are really handy. You may experience cold spots or hot draughts that the metre can scientificly detect.
Eletronic Voice Phenonomen. Some say Digital Recordors can pick up disembodied voices.
Let’s not forget cameras. After all, what self-respecting ghost can resist the temptation to leave a spectral image on a film or, eh, a sensor array? As the Ghosteire site points out, Some Camera’s can take an arange of differing angled photos due to its technical capabilitys.
You can’t argue with that, but let’s not forget that the best ghost-hunting equipment is in our heads. Again, all we have to do is look at the Ghosteire advice. From early mankind the Human race has been using there senses to detect paranormal life for centuries.
Deeply impressive, all of it.
The team consists of the following.
Anthony Kerrigan, described as a scientific resercher.
Jennifer Kerrigan. Favourite historical figure, Anne Boylyn.
Role in group, particapating in group, experiments, video camering.
Sinead Houlihan, interests include documentries.
Favourite historical figure, Father Murphy (sic).
Favourite historical figure, Grainne O’Mally, Nicolas Tesla, Emily Pankhurst, Alistar Crowly. (Sic).
Dislikes include Ignarence.
Favourite historical figure Leonardo da Vingi.
Role: Saftely co-ordinator.
What accessories does this fearless team of scientific investigators employ when carrying out its studies?
Well, crystals obviously. You couldn’t go anywhere without small pieces of stone for healing and protection, but you’d also need tools for divination and protection, especially since you’re a scientist who understands all about vibrations and stuff, but don’t forget tools for communication and triggering. You’ll need communication enablers like decks of cards, because dead people can’t resist small printed pieces of paper and you’ll need to make noises too, because incorporeal entities have ears, but finally, don’t forget paper and a pen for documenting.
Don’t forget, protection spells are usefull and important.
The more I think about this, the more grateful I feel towards the Limerick Leader for pointing me towards these wonderful people. Let us return to what they said about the Frank McCourt museum, which is where we came in. Jen, Xak and Tony turned up in Limerick to investigate, hyper-scientifically, reports that the building was haunted. Naturally, none of this has anything to do with the fact that the building is to be sold by the banks.
Anto, Xak and Jen will, according to the leader, be studying the building’s fields of electromagnetic energy, with particular interest in paranormal spikes coming through. Seems legit.
One thing that would worry me is Xak Aroo’s heart palpitations when walking up the stairs in the museum. I’d advise seeking immediate medical attention, in accordance with their Health and Saftey policy. Safe comfortable clothing is essential – waterproof boots with good souls and warm weatherproof coats and pants are a bonus.
As they say themselves, any constructive ideas or critisism are more than welcome.