Now that the unfortunate business of the marriage equality referendum is out of the way, it’s time to reveal my true agenda. It’s time to start fulfilling the worst fears of the Iona Institute and the Muttering Fathers.
The plans have been under preparation for a long time. Vast armies of kidnapped biological fathers have been slaving in a vast and beautifully-decorated subterranean cavern under the watchful eyes of my fanatical Gayhadist guards and now at last I’m ready.
A week from today, my people will open a shop in every city and town across Ireland selling designer surrogate babies.
They’ll be organic, locally-produced and fully traceable.
I’ve formed an alliance with an evil multinational to genetically modify them so that you can select a baby that looks like, for instance, David Quinn or Breda O’Brien but a court has ruled against making a baby that looks like John Waters on the grounds of excessive cruelty.
The business model is simple. We’ll use poor women from the Third World as surrogate mothers, and then we’ll brutally force them to give up their babies and throw them out on the streets in the normal way. In future, we hope that our teams of gay Nazi scientists will find a way to grow babies in a tank, so that you can pick one out while you enjoy a nice meal in one of our restaurants. You get to try out your baby for a month and if you don’t like it you can bring it back with no questions asked, but the offer is limited to a maximum of three babies in any calendar year.
I think this idea will catch on, given the hundreds of thousands of ravening gays that the Ionanists and the Muttering Fathers warned us about.
I’m calling the company IonaBaby.
Other products include Iona lesbian pouring-chocolate and Rampant Bigot fun toys.