I’m a sucker for gadgets and to be honest with you I’m a complete sucker for the gadgets that Lidl and Aldi offer up at ludicrously reasonable prices.
I bought that telescopic yard-brush. I bought the solar-powered garden gnome. I have the welder that never welded anything in the seven years since I got it.
I have drills, grinders, chisels, juicers, compressors and nail-guns.
I bought their computers.
I bought casseroles, woks and knife-sharpeners.
I am a true Lidlite but today raised me to a new level of belief when I blundered into my local store and found the best thing that Lidl has ever sold.
Today, you see, they offered me — wait for it — a robotic floor cleaner. That’s right. An autonomous gadget that wanders around your floor at random sweeping up the assorted detritus of life, from dog hairs to toenail clippings while never ceasing to recite mellifluous poetry and simultaneously engaging you in a game of chess.
No. I made the last bit up, but this little machine, for a modest outlay under €30, will meander around your living room swirling up little bits of dust and assorted annoying stuff. It won’t quite wash your floor, even though they calll it a mop in the ad, but that’s not really why I bought it anyway. Oh, didn’t I mention that I bought it? Of course I did. Who wouldn’t be without this wonderful little device? What life would be complete in its absence?
I was thinking, you see, that maybe we might be able to modify it. Maybe we might fit it with a small Bluetooth speaker and get some of our evil tech friends to install a nasty little processor changing its behaviour from random to emotionally attached.
Couldn’t we get this little robotic mop to pair up with some hated public figure, following them everywhere, making sarcastic comments about their intellect, their appearance and their profound lack of moral fibre?
This is going to make us all a fortune.
I even have a working name for it. The Moppelganger.