Government cancels grand stretch in evening

Grand stretch, thank God

In a stark warning that the crisis is not yet over, Junior minister for weather, Tarquin Clynch (FG), has announced that the stretch in the evening will not be declared grand.

The government has decided that for the moment, we will be having a decent stretch in the evening, said Mr Clynch (26). Perhaps it might be possible after the election to have a great stretch in the evening, but that will only be after consultation with our European partners.

When asked if the stretch in the evenings would ever be restored to grand, Mr Clynch was non-committal.

That depends on circumstances, on developments on also on how things develop, he said. Let me be unambiguous about this. If the grand stretch in the evening is ever restored, it will be thanks to the hard decisions taken by this government. The Irish people have endured many years of fairly good stretches in the evening, half-decent stretches in the evening and lately great stretches in the evening.

The Irish people have put in the hard work, and this government is determined, if re-elected, to give them back their grand stretch in the evening, thank God.  After the election.

A spokesman for the Labour Party stated that a grand stretch in the evening is something the Irish worker fought long and hard for and that it won’t be relinquished easily. When asked if Labour would defend the grand stretch in the evening in a future coalition, the spokesman conceded that Ireland might have to go through a brief period of good stretches in the evening but that concessions would be hammered out guaranteeing the Irish people grand bright mornings, thank God.

SInn Féin, in a terse press release, condemned imperialist forces for  depriving the ordinary people of grand stretches in the evening. Let me be absolutely clear. Was it for a mediocre stretch in the evening that Pearse gave his life? said a volunteer outside the GPO. Elect us and we’ll give you grand stretches in the evening all year round. All year round. Let someone try to stop us.

Meanwhile, the Green Party explained that grand stretches in the evening are all very well but what we really need are smart broadband bicycles and very nice architect-designed window boxes.


9 thoughts on “Government cancels grand stretch in evening

  1. They won’t succeed with this poppycock.
    I predict the moment from christmas day onwards there will be masses of country people walking along the highways and village streets, shouting to all and sundry “There’s a GRAND stretch in the evening”, beaming in defiance to any proclamation of political parties.
    It’s a (not so) quiet revolution, a fight for traditions older than any party. There might be water charges, property tax and crap health care, but nobody will take the grand stretch in the evening away.
    That’s how governments topple.

  2. I blame Dev and the Euro for the shorter stretch in the evenings,and by the way Happy Christmas to you Bock.

  3. Oh… But I looked online and they said the Irish talk about the lengthening daylight in the evening, after the Winter Solstice as the grand stretch, which was why I thought it was about the Solstice. But if it is “something the Irish say”, what do they mean when they say it?

  4. They mean the evenings are becoming noticeably longer, thus by implication signalling an end to the unremitting gloom of winter.

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