Paying €60 for a short plank in Dunnes Stores

Paul Costello designs a small cheeseboard

As the economy goes up, our collective IQ seems to go down in a bizarre see-saw way that might well explain the utter madness of the property bubble. And what better metaphor for the return to collective stupidity than the small piece of timber Dunnes Stores are selling for €60?

Dunnes Stores Paul Costello plank

A small plank. About 20mm thick and maybe 450mm long by 150mm wide. Or as we used to say, three-quarters of an inch thick and 18 inches long by six inches wide.

A very small and light board, but a board with a difference. This little board, you see, has been designed by a designer. A proper designer. Paul I-worked-in-Paris Costelloe, to be precise.

And Paul Costelloe designed this little board to be simple, yet refined as Dunnes say in their blurb.

You can almost smell the simplicity and refinement as you congratulate yourself on the purchase of this minimalist, uncompromising artifact. Imagine how impressed your friends will be when you serve them cheeses, charcuterie and antipasti on this elegant little, eh, plank.

This thing? Oh, it was only €60, you know. It would hardly pay for an hour of Sneachtfra’s Montessori.

The great design maestro himself, Paul Costelloe, got a free plug on Ray D’Arcy’s show this afternoon.

What’s all this about a plank for €60? asked Ray. (Or words to that effect).

Well, it’s oak, said Paul. Do you realise I worked in Paris?

Oak! Paul intoned the word like he was telling Ray the board was carved from the living roots of Yggdrasil.

Oak? That would be the stuff of which I have a half dozen planks in the workshop. Proper planks and not the effete 3/4-inch fly-swatters Dunnes are selling.

Could you make them at home? asked Ray.

Oh well, you could try, said Paul Costelloe. Because, as everyone knows, sanding a small piece of wood is perhaps the hardest thing anyone has ever tried. And if I heard correctly, he also seemed to mention that the wood was treated with something, which is not really what you want in a board you’re going to use for serving cheeses, charcuterie and antipasti. Oak does just fine with no preservatives, which is why generations of shipwrights have used it to build ocean-going vessels but of course Paul Costelloe would have known that from his years working in Paris.

Obviously I must have misheard him.

I was probably distracted by the intense purity of the 90-degree corners and the clean smooth lines he designed.



12 thoughts on “Paying €60 for a short plank in Dunnes Stores

  1. The stupidity of this is only matched by that of the muppets who hand out €60 for the plank so Mr. Costelloe and Dunnes Stores are actually the clever ones here……one born every minute?

  2. Nice one Paul and nice one Dunnes. I coulda got a plank like this from a sawmill twenty minutes drive from my home. The suburban bourgeoisie want to buy Paul Costelloe, not the plank. I’d like to rap their knuckles with a Gucci shoe, but I buy my shoes from charity shops.

  3. @dessiegee Great idea for under rewarded young sculptors. They might even successfully apply for Arts Council grants – and get exhibited in MoMA or IMMA.

  4. Harvey Normans arranged for one of their all colour Spring/Summer Interiors magazines to be stuffed through my letter box yesterday. And stuffed with value it is.

    A 2 in 1 lunchbox for a mere €25
    A pepper mill @ €45 is a snip
    A 1ltr water bottle @ €13

    These items are tasteful, desirable and great value. Form a queue here.

  5. Is it flat pack? I love throwing away the instructions and putting that stuff together.

  6. They have these in Aldi at the moment for 9.99 and I think it was 6.99 (or 7.99) for the smaller boards.. 9.99 for the long AntiPasta one :

    You take off the packaging and you have a fine piece of wood there..they even come with handles. Paul Costelloe doesn’t seem to have thought of that for his planks.

    His planks don’t look like serving boards at all. They look like you’re using a panel that fell off something else for your food.

  7. I was in Dunnes too recently and it was 15 quid for a Paul Costelloe candle.. I don’t think so.

    200 quid they caught me for, for sheets and pillows there .. they’re not Egyptian cotton now or anything as far as I’m aware. A fitted sheet, pillow cases, a duvet cover, a valance sheet, a few pillows, a few cushions, and they nearly want a kidney off you in Dunnes.

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