Stupidity grips Britain

What a terrible ringtone Bad To The Bone is.

Ba-ba-ba-baaaad  …

I lie in the dark with staring eyes, fumbling for the phone. What?? Is someone dead?

Baaaad to the bone …

Oh wait. It’s only crazy Uncle Jack calling from Torremolinos where he’s been living since that embarrassing incident on the Mile End Road back in the Sixties. He’s not really my uncle, but he married my Auntie and anyway who cares if he’s a bit of a villain? Uncle Jack, he’s all right.

Nigel Farage BrexitHey, Jack, I reply. Is everything ok?

I see us Brits is leavin the UN.

Jack, it’s dark. The birds haven’t even started to threaten each other. Why are you calling me at five in the morning?

We have enough of the UN. We want out.

You’re not leaving the UN, Jack. You were never leaving the UN. Anyway, you haven’t voted in Britain since that unfortunate incident in 1963.

You got it all wrong my son, Jack replied. We are leaving this Union thing, whatever it is. We are going to be independent.

Jack, I try to explain. Britain had a referendum about leaving the EU but that’s sorted out now. They’re staying. I checked before going to bed.

UN. EU. Whatever you call it, we’re out. Us Brits is leavin everything with a U in it. I heard it on Fox news.

I shoot upright in the bed like I’ve been pepper-sprayed.

Have you been at the sherry?

I saw that friendly guy on TV. You know, the cheerful fella with the pint of beer? Garage or something. He was saying …

Nigel Farage?

That’s him. Michel Fromage. French chap. He was saying Britain is safe from foreigners after the vote.

Jack, I need a coffee. Don’t hang up. Do not hang up!

I hop out of the bedroom pulling on one shoe, finger the laptop power button, poke at the TV on-switch and nudge the broken radio into life as the kettle screams Brexit and every neuron in my brain says No! They can’t be that stupid!

But they are.

They really are that stupid, buying in to every half-truth and distortion fed to them by the Leave side.

They really, really have been that stupid.

Hello? A tiny, tinny voice echoes from the phone. Hello?

Sorry, Uncle Jack, I munch through my healthy wholemeal toast, longing for that delicious cottage loaf of my childhood. Sorry, Jack. I forgot about you.

Course you did, he reproaches, just like everyone else does at my age. But Mr Fromage didn’t forget me. Michael Fromage, the leader of U-Quip who fought tirelessly to keep Brussels tyranny out of Britain.

You mean tyranny like the Working Hours Act? Tyranny like getting rid of roaming charges on phone calls? Tyranny like abolishing the airline cartels, making your flights to Torremolinos so much cheaper?

Never mind that. What about the other stuff?

What other stuff?

Straight bananas. Stopping us setting our own VAT rate. Forcing us to take in refugees.

You didn’t take in refugees, your bananas are still bendy and you still set your own VAT rate.

Never mind that, says Jack. It might all happen. I believe that Russian fella, Maurice Johnson.

Boris Johnson?

Yeah. Proper English toff, him. Who am I to disagree with a proper toff like that? He’s been to Oxford and everything, and besides, the Daily Mail and the Sun said that we was overrun with immigrants, over here taking our dole and our jobs.

How can they take your dole and your jobs at the same time, Jack? Isn’t it one thing or the other?

We don’t want no immigrants in our country.

How about foreign footballers? I ask. How about doctors? How about nurses?

That’s different.

Why is it different?

They’re not really immigrants. Not really.

What are they then?

They’re temporary residents providing a service.

Tell me this, Jack. What will we do when the customs posts go back up on the border between the Republic and Northern Ireland? What will we do when the Pound collapses and our exports to Britain become too expensive and our industries start to buckle?

Don’t be silly, Jack says. We’re a great country. The sun never sets on our empire.

Jack, how long is is since you set foot in Britain? Wasn’t it the time you visited Ronnie Biggs back in 1964?

Well, yeah. But we’re still a great empire.

Jack, I say, where does this vote leave you?

How do you mean?

Well, aren’t you an immigrant? Won’t you have to go home too?

Don’t be ridiculous, Jack chuckles. I’m not an immigrant. I’m a British ex-pat. Only foreigners are immigrants.




28 thoughts on “Brexit

  1. Brilliant … everything else I’ve read has left me dazed or confused or both … a good story, with some humour always does the trick

  2. Straight Bananas. So funny.

    Bock, the villain depicted in this post is eerily similar to a fella who’s been the butt of a few disparaging comments on this blog, Old, white and bigoted. Could this stigma have found its way across the Atlantic? Or, is it the other way around?

    The fact is. is that some of us like it the way it was and some of us want to change tomorrow. I think if respect were shown to those that have difficulty with change, things would go so much smoother.

  3. Still shaking my head in disbelief over this. I am Irish and i have spoken to other immigrants from India, Philippines as well as other Irish. Their overwhelming reason for voting leave was too many immigrants. Feeling depressed right now.

  4. GOK — I suppose it’s easy for you to talk since this doesn’t affect you. Yet.

    We, on the other hand, are affected both by what happens in the USA and in the EU.

    However, make no mistake: what the UK has done here is the most damaging thing that has happened to Europe short of outright war, and its reverberations will reach your shores, perhaps sooner than you think.

  5. “the most damaging thing that happened to Europe short of outright war”……….not trying to troll you boss but that is a pretty idiotic statement.

  6. The Brits were only have in the EU, exceptions in so many areas, Schengen visa , work time directive, currency, to name a view. The bitter cynicism to the whole EU project was evident from day one when they joined 9n 1973. As the late President of France , General de Gaulle said in 1968 after the 3rd rejection of the UK’s application to join the then EEC. He warned France’s five partners in the European Economic Community (EEC) that if they tried to impose British membership on France it would result in the break-up of the community.

  7. Bock

    So, Individualism be damned for the greater good of the community, is it?

    I see loads of benefit for Ireland and a handful of other smaller Euro countries who have benefited greatly through Euro membership. But England has lost much money financing European advancements, have lost autonomy, have lost indigenous jobs and projects and an identity that the majority cherished without ever being asked if they minded it being done. Unelected bureaucrats were dictating terms to a country that can claim to being the cradle of Western civilization, bones and all. I have to tell you, I welcome wholeheartedly the change that is on the way.

    Northern Ireland can now consider uniting with the republic if it wants to remain in the EU, same for Scotland with another independence referendum. People in a free society have to be in control of their own destiny. England has a chance to regain its self respect, it will take time but they were going nowhere remaining in the EU, while losing their money, culture, identity and most importantly, their voice.

  8. Bock,

    Brexit is a product of a post-modernist approach which rejects anything that claims to be authoritative; we now live in a relativist world where all opinions, now matter how ill-informed, are considered as equal. (Your occasional posts on “alternative” medicine are evidence of those who have no scientific qualification whatsoever regarding their views as equal in standing to those of peer-reviewed scientists).

    With the decline in the influence of the Church, and a scientific worldview becoming dominant, there has been a failure of an authoritative worldview to emerge, one that would rest on scientific evidence and a consensus based on logic. Perhaps the referendum will create the sense of a need for a secular, civic magisterium.

  9. I just checked the weather forecast for the UK, its not great but neither has the sky fallen.

  10. @Ian, what is a post-modernist approach?

    @Greg, educate yourself on the workings of the EU. Membership of the EU and access to the single market cost the UK 36p per citizen per day or £8.5bn per year. Good value.

  11. I presume you’re all taking about the football?

    Similarly, top international competition wouldn’t feel the same if England didn’t Brexit in humiliating circumstances to a team who just happened to be passing the Stadium at the time.

    They usually crash out to zee Germans on penalties, but, in a remarkable break with tradition, the mighty Iceland did the honours last evening. Nice one, literally.

    One of the more alarming startling stats emerging from last night’s post mortem was that since England claimed the World Cup in 1966 they’ve only won six games in the knock out stages of the World and European Championships.

    Since Irish midfielder Nobby Stiles inspired our neighbours to glory in 66, they’ve only beaten Star Rovers B, Prospect Priory, Finn Harps, after extra time, the Horse & Hound and Duck N’ Drake inter-pub teams and Ecuador.

    I’m not 100% about Ecuador.

    The Iceland team and fans, in a remarkable bond, clapping their hands and basically grunting after their historic win in Nice appears to be some sort of Viking ritual. It’s football’s answer to the Haka.

    The French next. A shoulder-shrugging, Citron-driving, cheese-eating, wine-sampling, cravat-wearing spokesperson for Les Bleus denied they’re cheddar-chomping surrender monkeys.

    “Zee can’t fuck right off,” he sneered.

    Can Iceland send the continent formerly called Christendom to Valhalla on its shield?

    We’re all Iceland supporters now.

  12. The same Welsh that voted with England in Brexit and will be relying on handouts from Westminster?

  13. Not sure any of the Welsh team voted mate, they we’re all in France at the time.

  14. No. 8

    Good value if you are OK with lost autonomy as only one expense. I don’t believe you can put a price on that. As well, it seems you are assuming that the UK is going to lose access to the market and that tariffs will be put in place to protect continental goods. I don’t share that view, but lets just see who the intransigent party will be. My bet is it will be the Euros, as it’s their intransigence that created the atmosphere for the Brexit vote to take place in the first place. I believe Dollars will now flow into England, (god knows there are billions sitting offshore, out of the reach of Obama’s and possibly Hillary’s Tax and Spend habits) which would be a change as the British are huge investors in the US.

    This could be a disaster still, but my spidy senses tell me that the UK will be OK and by extension Ireland as well. Commercial Properties are all of a sudden becoming hot properties in Dublin. I predict Multi nationals streaming back into Ireland and your financial sector growing.

  15. Though, on the downside for some, Ireland’s population may increase significantly with EU citizens who were once welcomed to live in the UK now scrambling to find a new English speaking home.

  16. Greg, the U.K. was always a reluctant member of the EU, it’s people have voted to leave. They must trigger Article 50 which begins a two year clock to exit. In that two year period they have to negotiate various treaties, when two years is up it is good bye.

    If the UK wish to reapply for member ship they may do so. New membership will come at a cost of € and Schengen and no rebate. A rebate that they only get.

    If they choose not to reapply they can join the EEA like Switzerland. The EEA will allow access to the single market but extract the same costs as full membership without the ability to influence policy.

    Until Article 50 is activated and a final exit agreed the UK are still members of the EU and legally bound to it treaties with no ability to sing unilateral agreements.

  17. I see no harm in inviting fellow EU citizens to Ireland. We are an underpopulated country, we need the increase in workers / consumers.

  18. Bernard. .did u notice the colour of the exiring Albion socks?

    Described as ” 70s’ Villiers schoolgirl red”. .I know ..I know ..but that was back when we was kings . innit.

    The butchers apron folded away for a while. I suppose we’ll have to get used to what exactly.
    You know, fucK the markets and the xe rates..and the fucking fuckers what makes loads this way..innit.

    The loons are out Trump, Farage and Merikan Greg ..howdee there Greg. .

    Been here before. . . Have the teeshirt

  19. Numero Ocho,

    I appreciate the overview of UK/EU membership rules, however I lived in Ireland from 1980 to 2010 and lived through and experienced first hand all the relevant treaties and referendums.

    Lets just hope the added population happens in an orderly fashion, otherwise it may be a strain on services.

    How do, Sniff?

  20. Did Dubya drop the bombs in an orderly fashion? When people are displaced, there’s nothing orderly about it… they just need to get out however they can. Toddlers washed up ashore in an orderly fashion.. Orderly fashion my hoop.. go on away out of it. Serious lack of empathy from the Hair Furor’s gun carrying everywhere he goes, never mugged at gun point just off Grafton Street once, supporter there.

  21. You are one of the more clueless persons Ive come across. As far as I am concerned GWB is a war criminal, so you couldnt insult him enough in my view. The child washing up on shore is the result of what? Obama Dropping bombs, or pacifist do nothing euros turning a blind eye to that little fellas plight, forcing him and his family to flee, putting all of them in harms way. G’won outta that yerself.

  22. Hey Merikan Greg,

    You’re not getting it..

    Lovers not fighters.

    World a safe place man.

    Guns bad…love good.

    Sport and fun ..jokes and having a laugh.

    Having a fantasist opinion found out by your pals..that’s what pals do. .keep u right man.

    All heading in the one direction…the box.

    Bring the joy kid. .stay offa the net. .it’s not getting u anywhere. Only A wilderness. .

    Guns bad ..trump an abomination.

    Hug a tree or falli in love or something that feels good . Do it.

    Start a thing ..a family ..something beyond the barren …colour brother. .

  23. Having just spent two weeks in the UK (london) I’m getting the sense that the people there will just get on with it. I had to make frequent use of a minicab firm, with drivers of many nationalities, and t’was interesting to get feedback from them. The Afghani who agreed with the immigrant ‘problem’, the Indian who had enough belief in their ability to find opportunity in adversity, and some of the younger people who now envisage a future where they might be able to afford their own home.

    I only met one individual, an Iraqi, who thought it would lead to total disaster.

    Ironically, i think it’s the existing diversity within the population that will go a long way towards making this as painless as possible. A look back in two years from now will tell all.

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