I can’t tell you anything about Star Wars – The Force Awakens, in case I accidentally give you a spoiler. I’m not even sure if it’s ok to tell you that I went to it with my young lad in case you might deduce something. Cross-generational appeal, therefore this, therefore that, damn you Bock for spoiling the film, that’s it now I won’t bother going thanks very much for ruining it.
What I can tell you is that it has actors in it, there was a director and when you go to the cinema, they will project it on a large reflective screen for you in return for a modest amount of money.
I suppose it’s all right to tell you that Star Wars involves protagonists, antagonists, dramatic devices, obstacles to overcome, conflicts and resolutions but I can’t go further than that in case you come to my door and impale me with a light-sabre for spoiling the story.
Naturally, there are Stormtroopers wearing spiffy white armour that does absolutely nothing. The Stormtroopers fall down dead just like everyone else does when they’re shot, forcing us to ask very hard questions about the evil people who control them.
Why do they spend good money on armour that does nothing? Are they all about the style?
Do they not realise the armour is useless? If so, what does this say about their technical standards?
Why don’t they buy better armour for their Stormtroopers? It can’t be cheap to train these guys so why lose them so easily in battle?
But enough of trivial matters. I’m only talking about this because I’m afraid to tell you anything about the actual story in case I spoil it for you. I can’t even tell you the name of the main actors in case you accidentally figure something out so instead, let’s stick with minor irrelevant matters. Forget the Stormtroopers. We all know that Stormtroopers are as dispensable as Bond henchmen, so let’s turn our thoughts to other improbabilities, such as winged spacecraft having to bank in order to turn in the vacuum of Space.
Or noise. X-wings and TIE fighters making noise in a place where sound doesn’t exist. Bah! That’s all right too. It’s a movie. If I can believe a death-star exists I can surely swallow the idea of a screeching, banking fighter howling through the empty void. After all, I have no huge complaint about The Force, so why would I strain at the gnat of incorporeal sound?
Is there anything at all I can tell you about this Star Wars without giving away the plot?
Well, there are some famous people in it and people still battle with swords made of coloured light which does seem a little silly. Never bring a knife to a gunfight, as the old saying goes, but they seem happy enough with the well-worn trope, presumably because the knightly thing needs to survive. And that reminds me of something I can tell you. Brienne of Tarth is in it, but only as a person in a shiny mask. Still, it’s Brienne of Tarth. You just know it. Maybe.
There are cute droids. There are drunken aliens. There are huge explosions, there are battle scenes and there are light-sabre fights as you would expect. There are gigantic planet-disintegrations and evil masterminds saying Gaaaahhh! and Bring them before me!
There is no irritating and borderline-racist Jar-Jar Binks, you’ll be glad to know.
Apart from that, I can tell you very little for fear of being light-impaled, and therefore I’m left with very little to say apart from this: I loved it. My offspring, watching it again, loved it even more than he did the first time. I’ll probably go back and see it again.
That’s all I’m authorised to say apart from FN 37.
PS. Sceilig Mhichíl looked amazing but I hope they did all the shooting they needed to while they were on the rock. They won’t be getting up there again.